Anyone else here with BPD?

[veinofether]

I fucking despise this disease.

It's like the devil and angel on each shoulder.

Except, the devil violently murdered and cannibalised the angel, then decided to crawl inside my ear and live in my brain, whispering, talking, shouting constantly.

Every little thing gets twisted. I gaslight myself. I can't trust myself. Because I don't really know anymore where I end and the BPD begins. Sometimes I don't feel like there is an 'I' left at all. That devil crawled inside and grew, and grew, and GREW, until I couldn't hold it off and it swallowed me up. Now it controls me

It tells me not to trust my partner, that they don't love me. It tells me that I'm fat and ugly and pathetic and useless and everyone including my partner secretly hates me. And I KNOW it's the disease speaking, not me. But that knowledge starts losing it's helpfulness when the thoughts are so cruel, persistent, inescapable.

The worst part is that I had a pretty good hold on it, or at least I thought, for a while. But multiple factors have exacerbated it lately to the point I don't remember suffering this much.

Any fellow borderlines around here? What helps you stop being a jealous, paranoid misery? Yes, therapy and/or medication is a given but I can't access this right now..

 

[Regen]

I hate to say it, but yes, I have borderline personality disorder.

When I was diagnosed at 17, I somehow thought it was cool for a few years and found myself in it. Then came the years in which I fought hard against the symptoms and built a new, healthier, more normal life for myself. That worked pretty well outside. I no longer met the official criteria and I began to reject Borderline. I never got along well with other borderliners anyway and now I completely distanced myself from them.

For several years now, however, I have had to painfully realize that my inner personality still bears some of the decisive traits of this and that my behavior in friendships and in contact with people is also influenced by it. It's a burden. I then tried to ignore it for a long time. Right now I think I should practice radical acceptance so I can learn to love myself more as the person I really am and not always run after the dream version of myself.

What has helped me in the last few months is that I always notice when my inner critic is active. Then I'm kind of happy because I finally caught him. Because for decades I didn't even notice that it existed because it was there so naturally and constantly. I tried to visualize him a little and get in touch with him. It's also very interesting that I can identify many of his beliefs as those of my mother and father.

Mindfulness and recovery videos on YouTube also help me, while my head is busy with it, it doesn't have time to worry about stupid thoughts...

 

[veinofether]

I hate to say it, but yes, I have borderline personality disorder.

When I was diagnosed at 17, I somehow thought it was cool for a few years and found myself in it. Then came the years in which I fought hard against the symptoms and built a new, healthier, more normal life for myself. That worked pretty well outside. I no longer met the official criteria and I began to reject Borderline. I never got along well with other borderliners anyway and now I completely distanced myself from them.

For several years now, however, I have had to painfully realize that my inner personality still bears some of the decisive traits of this and that my behavior in friendships and in contact with people is also influenced by it. It's a burden. I then tried to ignore it for a long time. Right now I think I should practice radical acceptance so I can learn to love myself more as the person I really am and not always run after the dream version of myself.

What has helped me in the last few months is that I always notice when my inner critic is active. Then I'm kind of happy because I finally caught him. Because for decades I didn't even notice that it existed because it was there so naturally and constantly. I tried to visualize him a little and get in touch with him. It's also very interesting that I can identify many of his beliefs as those of my mother and father.

Mindfulness and recovery videos on YouTube also help me, while my head is busy with it, it doesn't have time to worry about stupid thoughts...

Wow I could have written some of this, you put it perfectly. I was diagnosed at a similar age (19) and know just what you mean about almost identifying with it. It's such a double-edged sword having this diagnosis because it's so easy to become a self-fulfilling prophecy and self-sabotage completely.

I should really get back into mindfulness videos. I found Zen Buddhism to be a sort of salvation at my darker points in the past (recommend Plum Village, particularly Thich Nhat Hanh's talks to anyone interested, he's on YouTube and Plum Village has a Spotify podcast.) I do try to be very vigilant with noticing unhelpful/toxic thoughts, and not only noticing, but then fighting the urge to hate myself for those thoughts and instead just observing and letting it pass.

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

I fucking despise this disease.

It's like the devil and angel on each shoulder.

Except, the devil violently murdered and cannibalised the angel, then decided to crawl inside my ear and live in my brain, whispering, talking, shouting constantly.

Every little thing gets twisted. I gaslight myself. I can't trust myself. Because I don't really know anymore where I end and the BPD begins. Sometimes I don't feel like there is an 'I' left at all. That devil crawled inside and grew, and grew, and GREW, until I couldn't hold it off and it swallowed me up. Now it controls me

It tells me not to trust my partner, that they don't love me. It tells me that I'm fat and ugly and pathetic and useless and everyone including my partner secretly hates me. And I KNOW it's the disease speaking, not me. But that knowledge starts losing it's helpfulness when the thoughts are so cruel, persistent, inescapable.

The worst part is that I had a pretty good hold on it, or at least I thought, for a while. But multiple factors have exacerbated it lately to the point I don't remember suffering this much.

Any fellow borderlines around here? What helps you stop being a jealous, paranoid misery? Yes, therapy and/or medication is a given but I can't access this right now..

Omg I feel exactly the same! Devil/angle, been taking over and there's no I left! It's horrible, every day is unbearable to me. Therapy only made me question more about my identity and made me so much more aware of my problems. Only thing I can think of all day and night is ctb. I'm afraid we're doomed my friend

 

[veinofether]

Omg I feel exactly the same! Devil/angle, been taking over and there's no I left! It's horrible, every day is unbearable to me. Therapy only made me question more about my identity and made me so much more aware of my problems. Only thing I can think of all day and night is ctb. I'm afraid we're doomed my friend

Honestly, I have attempted before and am passively suicidal right now but I try to be stoic and think of my loved ones and the impact of previous suicides in my family and the fact that one day I will get my rest, just maybe not as soon as I want..

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

Honestly, I have attempted before and am passively suicidal right now but I try to be stoic and think of my loved ones and the impact of previous suicides in my family and the fact that one day I will get my rest, just maybe not as soon as I want..

I've attempted too, but have also become passively suicidal lately. I don't want to be stuck in this life for so many more years to go though.

 

[coolgal82]

i have had like some friends say i should look into it and a bunch of random internet strangers but honestly idfk anymore i constantly switch bvetween "it could be that" and "no its just autism+adhd" and "bro idfk who i am anymore" lmao sorry if this doesnt make sense im extremelty drunk i've tried seeing medical people to like figure out the truth but they have been ignoring me so far they said they contact me in a week or so but that was like a month ago

 

[Kyotospade]

Yeah , bpd is the absolute worse. I constantly burn bridges with people so I don't hurt them both figuratively and literally...

 

[leloyon]

Yep. Here it's EuPD, emotionally unstable personality disorder. I've found the effects it has on my relationships (splitting/idealisation and devaluation) are the most noteworthy symptoms, so I guess I'll talk about that.
It just feels so tiresome. Especially when I can see how fucked up I am, yet I can't control it. Yeah, sure, the people I know don't have all the time in the world for me. Maybe they just are busy right now, they probably didn't see the message yet. But I can't help it. It feels like they're all I have, they're the only person who cares about me. And them not talking to me, as the one person who actually cares about me, hurts. It hurts more than anything, feeling the silence drag on. And then it becomes, why? Why are they making me feel this way? I thought they cared about me. All I've done is care about them, try to be as good to them as can be, and they hurt me so badly. Which then becomes it being intentional, which then becomes that they never cared if they're willing to hurt me like this, which then becomes that they were always just out to hurt me. And then they talk to me and I inevitably end up falling again, thinking that they're the one. That we are the only ones who understand each other, the only ones there for each other. I tend to project my loneliness onto others. I have no one in my life, so if I connect to someone so deeply, and they're so willing to give me the time of the day, then they must be as alone as I am, right? Hell, that's how it happens, half the time. I see them talking to other people. Maybe they haven't responded to what I've sent them, sometimes they have and it just doesn't matter. But that shatters the illusion. Why are they talking to other people instead of me? I only have them. They weren't like me, they have other people in their life, they were never like me. They're just a liar. (I lied to myself).
It feels like sometimes, I can see this happening. I can walk into it fully aware. I can recognise, rationally, what's going on. But the emotions are just so overwhelming. Even if I try to think rationally, it doesn't make a dent on my emotions, until the emotions just drown it out altogether.

I gaslight myself. I can't trust myself. Because I don't really know anymore where I end and the BPD begins. Sometimes I don't feel like there is an 'I' left at all.

I get this a lot, though not just BPD. Honestly, I've had so much wrong with me for so long that I don't even know if there is a me that exists. If I suddenly managed to cure all my disorders, would there be anything left? The only personality traits I can list about myself are just symptoms.

 

[iset]

I got this diagnosis long ago but then it was changed to complexe PTSD.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Yes I have BPD. I think a lot of SaSu members do. I was only diagnosed last year even tho I'm in my 60s. I hate it in every way. The stigma, even from MH counsellors. The judgement from people who don't understand (and family who can't be bothered to find out, not even willing to watch a short Instagram reel). The pain that strikes every evening without fail and the pain of knowing it's going to strike. The bridges burned, sometimes with really good caring people who were only trying to help. The constant need for grounding so much that I loathe even the word. The fp thing which in my case is never romantic, but wholly inappropriate and impossible.