Anyone else have this suppressed shame over not being able to CTB out of weakness?

[justlookinforanswers]

I feel like it's a little dumb to feel weak over giving into the survival instinct that's literally built into your system as a human being, but I feel like that's what's convincing me to move forward with the process. Like, I have to prove to myself that I'm strong and serious and I don't just want attention or something. Idk, maybe if I removed the shame component I wouldn't be jumping this far into the deep end. Maybe that's true for some other people too?

 

[ewigeruhe]

Yeah i am deeply ashamed and every failed attempt hurts. I feel time is running out and the walls closing in and yet i seem to be determined to make my situation worse every day i don't know how this irratonal behavior is possible.