Anyone else have children?

[hopeisdead]

My daughter is only 6. She is my angel and my soul mate. Our bond is incredible and amazing. She is my world. I was mentally well when her father and I chose to have a child. Everything was wonderful. Now, I know her father doesn't take care of her correctly. We have 50/50 custody. I'm so conflicted but I don't know what else to do. It pains me every single day being depressed, not being able to stop crying. She just gets mad when I cry now. I haven't been able to function for 6 months. Looking back I was going downhill before that. (I had an unsuccessful ctb attempt in December 2021.) I don't want to damage her and I am either way, if I stay or if I go. We will lose our home soon because I'm not mentally well enough to work to keep it. Her dad makes okay money and has a good job. Of course he doesn't understand my depression. I told him I wish we could just live with him and I will take care of her and he said "I'm good thanks." I've talked to my mom about living with her. She said she can't support me and keep her vacation house in the mountains. She's on vacation right now across the country in Alaska living her best life.

I don't know what else to do aside from ctb. It makes me sick. I know ctbing will destroy her...I want to be there for her when she is older...if she is bullied at school, if she's sick, birthdays, dealing with heartbreak, etc... she doesn't even know how to tie her shoes yet and I can't even think about Christmas without sobbing. She is so smart, kind, happy and absolutely beautiful. I just don't know what else to do. I've been on so many different meds and literally nothing works. I'm crushed. I know she is my purpose in life... but I don't want to continue to fail her. I don't want to leave and abandon her either. I love her so so much! I'm a mess. Oh my baby.