Anyone else feel guilty about the hurt you are causing your loved ones?

[Anon2662]

I'm sick of feeling like this. Like I don't belong in this world. Like I was born by mistake with defects in my brain. Ive had a few failed attempts at cbt and used to try to think about how my escaping from this world would hurt my family and how selfish I was, but now all I think of is how much hurt I am causing them by being here still. I am a huge burden on them and before anyone says I'm not, I have had to move back in with mum at the age of 26 after losing my job due to my MH. I Can't contribute anything financially and am I debts myself which isn't the reason I want to cbt but does add to my feelings of being a burden. I am basically housebound and don't feel like a very nice person either. I also get very bad thoughts and hear voices telling me to hurt myself but also to hurt others. I would never act upon those of hurting my family I'd like to think, but it really does make me feel like an awful person and I can't talk to my family about it. I'm sorry for the rant.. it's just I feel guilty for the hurt and stress I'm putting them through by still being here.

 

[HannahB]

Yes and no. My body feels it but my mind knows that everything that exists in this universe is balanced suicide included. Yes it may create much negativity but it also must create an equal amount of positivity. Everything has two sides good/bad hot/cold light/dark I cannot live their life for them and cannot chose what side they take just like they cant with me.

 

[ClonesAnnoyMe]

Thank you for expressing how you feel, it's not easy

Yes and no. My body feels it but my mind knows that everything that exists in this universe is balanced suicide included. Yes it may create much negativity but it also must create an equal amount of positivity. Everything has two sides good/bad hot/cold light/dark I cannot live their life for them and cannot chose what side they take just like they cant with me.

Your death will not be a good thing, please don't think like that.

 

[Anon2662]

Yes and no. My body feels it but my mind knows that everything that exists in this universe is balanced suicide included. Yes it may create much negativity but it also must create an equal amount of positivity. Everything has two sides good/bad hot/cold light/dark I cannot live their life for them and cannot chose what side they take just like they cant with me.

yeah I used to think it would be selfish of me to go, but then on the flip side.. isn't it selfish of people to want me to stay when I feel like I'm in a living hell?.. I dunno. My thoughts are pretty racing and scrambled today..

 

[HannahB]

Thank you for expressing how you feel, it's not easy


Your death will not be a good thing, please don't think like that.

Excuse me but I have the right to my opinions. I observe that in nature death creates life. Your fridge is full of death your cloths are made or death your pens your cars your everything.
Everything "bad" is equally "good" the universe is relative. What's good for a spider is bad for a fly.

 

[ClonesAnnoyMe]

Excuse me but I have the right to my opinions. I observe that in nature death creates life. Your fridge is full of death your cloths are made or death your pens your cars your everything.
Everything "bad" is equally "good" the universe is relative. What's good for a spider is bad for a fly.

You're right you are entitled to your opinion and I see how you came to that conclusion. You are right I am disgusted that we have meat in the fridge, I wish the world was vegan

 

[Deleted member 14386]

yeah I used to think it would be selfish of me to go, but then on the flip side.. isn't it selfish of people to want me to stay when I feel like I'm in a living hell?.. I dunno. My thoughts are pretty racing and scrambled today..

I feel the same way, they always ask why and I say because there isn't any other option, then ask what could be done to help, I give them a couple of responses that cannot happen due to Dr's being shite and they try. They fail, I just keep watching telling them to stop but they won't. They refuse to believe death is an option when someone has a terrible quality of life, it just doesn't fit with their view of the world until they have to accept it. It's so hard to communicate on a practical basis when so many emotions are flying around I guess. Like I try everything possible and keep being told 'I'm not really trying', uggghh I sympathize with your rant a lot! (sorry for my own lol)

 

[BPDbitch]

If I didn't have my immediate family and my partner I would have been gone long ago. I really don't want to leave my boyfriend because we're both pretty much each other's main support, but at the same time I feel guilty staying here as a miserable PoS. If I leave it would save the arguments

 

[Anon2662]

I feel the same way, they always ask why and I say because there isn't any other option, then ask what could be done to help, I give them a couple of responses that cannot happen due to Dr's being shite and they try. They fail, I just keep watching telling them to stop but they won't. They refuse to believe death is an option when someone has a terrible quality of life, it just doesn't fit with their view of the world until they have to accept it. It's so hard to communicate on a practical basis when so many emotions are flying around I guess. Like I try everything possible and keep being told 'I'm not really trying', uggghh I sympathize with your rant a lot! (sorry for my own lol)

I know exactly what you mean. The MH teams I've seen have in the most part been detrimental in the long run bar a couple of trusted people. It's just not worth the hassle. My family only know of one of my attempts and were shocked and I'm trying to keep up a positive front which then makes me feel bad also because it will be a shock for them when I do manage to leave this place. It's just so difficult when through no fault of their own, they could never understand. Dont apologise for your rant at all! It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeing like this!

If I didn't have my immediate family and my partner I would have been gone long ago. I really don't want to leave my boyfriend because we're both pretty much each other's main support, but at the same time I feel guilty staying here as a miserable PoS. If I leave it would save the arguments

I 100% would already be gone if it weren't for feeing bad about leaving them with the hurt, but it's just got to the point now that I feel the hurt they will feel will be easier for them to overcome than living constantly with the hurt and stress I'm causing by being here..

 

[TheLastSacrifice]

You're right you are entitled to your opinion and I see how you came to that conclusion. You are right I am disgusted that we have meat in the fridge, I wish the world was vegan

Not me. I like my fruits, my greens, and my meat. Veganism... definitely time to ctb
Another lazy response by me but there isn't really much more to say than yes, everyday. Everytime I need to talk to a friend about any of this it bothers me.

Not me. I like my fruits, my greens, and my meat. Veganism... definitely time to ctb
Another lazy response by me but there isn't really much more to say than yes, everyday. Everytime I need to talk to a friend about any of this it bothers me.

Btw just joking around with you about veganism. Each to his own

 

[highlyvolatile]

the only reason im still around IS cause id hurt people if i left. but ... ... i still want to leave

 

[Mr2005]

Only a few. I mostly don't exist anyway

 

[Potiphera]

No, not anymore. I feel like my life has jut gone on and on and on waiting for things to get better and they never do. When I tried to CTB when I was young and was found they told me "in a few years you won't even remember why you felt this way". Well it's now many many many more years since then and I wish I'd gone in my teens, spared myself the decades of sound and fury.

 

[Emily123]

I do . it is one of the reaons that I have not CTB so far

 

[Anon2662]

No, not anymore. I feel like my life has jut gone on and on and on waiting for things to get better and they never do. When I tried to CTB when I was young and was found they told me "in a few years you won't even remember why you felt this way". Well it's now many many many more years since then and I wish I'd gone in my teens, spared myself the decades of sound and fury.

right!? I'm fed up of being told these feelings are temporary..no they're not.

 

[AlreadyGone]

No because life goes on. My family will grieve for a bit and eventually move on just like I did when my relatives passed.

At the end of the day, I can't live and suffer to make other people happy. They have their own lives and I have mine.

 

[Anon2662]

No because life goes on. My family will grieve for a bit and eventually move on just like I did when my relatives passed.

At the end of the day, I can't live and suffer to make other people happy. They have their own lives and I have mine.

This is how I feel but was once told by a MH nurse that many family members of those who CBT end up in the MH services themselves and it does make me feel guilty. But then I feel guilty being here still too so catch 22.

 

[issyishere]

i grew up in a loving family and ik they'll be devastated for years if they ever recover honestly

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

I know how you feel. I hate causing others pain and the worst was when I cause my friend to relapse. Others pain makes me want to go but also keeps me here so it's a never ending circle.

 

[Anon2662]

i grew up in a loving family and ik they'll be devastated for years if they ever recover honestly

Same! And I'm so thankful and aware how lucky I am to have them but it's just not enough to keep me here unfortunately. Doesn't stop me feeling guilty af though :( I just hate the thought of them questioning if they could have done more. I'm hoping I can ease some of that with my note, but writing that in itself is difficult as I can never find the right words.

 

[Hel]

Yes. That's why this is taking me so long, because I want to find a method to can be disguised as natural death (they 'd still suffer but it's different). But things keep getting worse and worse, and I'm getting more desperate and I'll reach a point where I won't matter who I hurt to, I need to end my own suffering. Life si not helping me to fight, on the contrary, things keep getting so so bad that one day nothing will stop me

 

[Anon2662]

Yes. That's why this is taking me so long, because I want to find a method to can be disguised as natural death (they 'd still suffer but it's different). But things keep getting worse and worse, and I'm getting more desperate and I'll reach a point where I won't matter who I hurt to, I need to end my own suffering. Life si not helping me to fight, on the contrary, things keep getting so so bad that one day nothing will stop me

I feel you! Things are getting worse for me as each day passes :( if you ever need to vent feel free to message me :)

 

[ghostspace]

I'm sick of feeling like this. Like I don't belong in this world. Like I was born by mistake with defects in my brain. Ive had a few failed attempts at cbt and used to try to think about how my escaping from this world would hurt my family and how selfish I was, but now all I think of is how much hurt I am causing them by being here still. I am a huge burden on them and before anyone says I'm not, I have had to move back in with mum at the age of 26 after losing my job due to my MH. I Can't contribute anything financially and am I debts myself which isn't the reason I want to cbt but does add to my feelings of being a burden. I am basically housebound and don't feel like a very nice person either. I also get very bad thoughts and hear voices telling me to hurt myself but also to hurt others. I would never act upon those of hurting my family I'd like to think, but it really does make me feel like an awful person and I can't talk to my family about it. I'm sorry for the rant.. it's just I feel guilty for the hurt and stress I'm putting them through by still being here.

Having bad thoughts does NOT make you a bad person. I have horrible intrusive thoughts sometimes, it's like my mind jumps to the very worst thing to say or do. Your actions are what determine your character because you can control your actions; you cannot control your thoughts and it's not your fault you're unwell.

I'm also housebound, mostly. I depend on disability and my parents and have felt overwhelming guilt as well.

I want you to think of someone you really care about and imagine if they were in your position and you had the finances, health, and stability to help them in the way your family is helping you. People help each other, that's why we live in a society. Not everyone has the same abilities but we all balance each other out.

If I were in a position where I could help someone going what you're going through, I absolutely would and I'd feel good about it. I'd reassure you that I'd be helping because you're worthy of love and that I want things to be as easy as possible while you're in such a difficult place.

I would do anything for the people I love because their lives and happiness are worth more than anything else. You're struggling with something so painful to cope with and I'm glad you have somewhere to stay and people looking out for you.

A trick my friend taught me was to say 'thank you' instead of 'I'm sorry'. It makes the person doing something for you feel appreciated and it makes you feel less of a burden. It turns it into a positive thing instead of something to apologize for. It feels weird at first, but I've found that it helps tremendously.

 

[GrimeGlow]

Simply put no, because to a huge extent society made me misreable like from bullying and all of that (this relates to so called "friends"). Also, I've never asked to be born in the first place, so I do not own anything to anyone (this relates to family).

I always think of such topics as "they only care when you're gone", because no one wants to sacrifice their own happines and live to take care of someone who's broken. They will pat you on your back from time to time, tell that everything will be good, be then move on with their things and don't want to be bothered for some time. It's like they want to have clear conscience and don't be dragged out at the same time, if this makes any sense. At least from my experience, maybe your's different.

 

[Anon2662]

Having bad thoughts does NOT make you a bad person. I have horrible intrusive thoughts sometimes, it's like my mind jumps to the very worst thing to say or do. Your actions are what determine your character because you can control your actions; you cannot control your thoughts and it's not your fault you're unwell.

I'm also housebound, mostly. I depend on disability and my parents and have felt overwhelming guilt as well.

I want you to think of someone you really care about and imagine if they were in your position and you had the finances, health, and stability to help them in the way your family is helping you. People help each other, that's why we live in a society. Not everyone has the same abilities but we all balance each other out.

If I were in a position where I could help someone going what you're going through, I absolutely would and I'd feel good about it. I'd reassure you that I'd be helping because you're worthy of love and that I want things to be as easy as possible while you're in such a difficult place.

I would do anything for the people I love because their lives and happiness are worth more than anything else. You're struggling with something so painful to cope with and I'm glad you have somewhere to stay and people looking out for you.

A trick my friend taught me was to say 'thank you' instead of 'I'm sorry'. It makes the person doing something for you feel appreciated and it makes you feel less of a burden. It turns it into a positive thing instead of something to apologize for. It feels weird at first, but I've found that it helps tremendously.

Thank you for such a lovely reply. And I do understand your points but my mum and sister aren't 'financially stable' really so I really am just dragging them down with me.
Yeah. The intrusive thoughts suck so bad and I really struggle with them. I also hear voices which tell me to do bad things and I guess there is that part of me that is terrified that one day I'd give in to them as I have had moments of blacking out in the past. That is the scenario I fear the most and would much rather just take myself out of the picture. And a MH worker told me that if I ever said about having thoughts to harm others that they would have to inform the police so I can't tell anyone about it. I have been let down by the MH services in my area and haven't been under any team since May last year. In the meantime ive just got worse and worse and now rarely leave the house and never on my own.
I will definitely try saying thank you more though :) if for nothing else but to make my mum and sister feel appreciated.
Again, thank you for taking your time to reply! :)

 

[AlreadyGone]

Simply put no, because to a huge extent society made me misreable like from bullying and all of that (this relates to so called "friends"). Also, I've never asked to be born in the first place, so I do not own anything to anyone (this relates to family).

I always think of such topics as "they only care when you're gone", because no one wants to sacrifice their own happines and live to take care of someone who's broken. They will pat you on your back from time to time, tell that everything will be good, be then move on with their things and don't want to be bothered for some time. It's like they want to have clear conscience and don't be dragged out at the same time, if this makes any sense. At least from my experience, maybe your's different.

This. Totally agree.

 

[Pan]

Given the abuse I suffered from them, I can't and don't feel guilty at all. After the way they treated me growing up, I feel no guilt whatsoever. I wish them all the ill will I can muster.

Excuse me but I have the right to my opinions. I observe that in nature death creates life. Your fridge is full of death your cloths are made or death your pens your cars your everything.
Everything "bad" is equally "good" the universe is relative. What's good for a spider is bad for a fly.

I think you might find the philosophy of George Battaille interesting; he articulates many of the same ideas. Thanx again for hanging article; it continues to resonate.

 

[YukiFox]

Precisely, one of the things that I don't like of myself is to doesn't care about the feelings of my family. I feel ashamed of not showing more love to them (Specially for my parents) and since I move out to another country I talked less to my family. Anyway, I was worried more to hurt the feelings of my friends rather than my family, and that makes to self accusing of being a heartless human.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

I will no longer feel guilt, or anything else, after dying.