Anybody else thats accepted they will ctb feel a sense of relief in life?

[HermitLonerGuy]

So i am sure i will ctb before the year is up.

Now i feel so much relief, no more worries, nothing matters.

if im stressed i say to myself : " dont worry il be dead soon anyway".

anyone else relate?

 

[ph0enix]

sure

but it's also painful in some way to not care about anything… i don't have much personal hygiene anymore and i feel so dead inside already…

because why would i care about xyz

 

[Niirvana]

I want ctb to stop feeling pain, I just can't take it anymore, but at the same time I care about my sister and the consequences of my leaving. My ego plays against me, I can't tolerate having reached this point, how could I let this happen... The damn ego, my worst enemy. I would like to feel that relief you feel, I wish you the best and hope you can find peace

 

[BipolarExpress]

To an extent. It helps when my survival instinct isn't screaming at me. I feel better knowing that I have a way to get out if I feel the need, but my survival instinct is still intense enough for me to avoid going through with it—for now, anyway.

 

[Teddybear]

The most peaceful moment I had in my life was during a road accident on the highway, when my German made car was skitting into oncoming traffic at almost 80mph.

I just knew I was gonna die and I felt a peace like never before or ever since. I want that back!

 

[SamTam33]

I'm hoping there's a second or two before I die where I realize I'm about to die. That's the only time I'll truly know peace.

I know what you're referring to though, because thinking about it calms me down, but there's still a lot of worry that it won't happen.

Nothing that I really want ever happens so I'm prepared for ctb to fail as well.

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

sure

but it's also painful in some way to not care about anything… i don't have much personal hygiene anymore and i feel so dead inside already…

because why would i care about xyz

This is also a problem for me I want to be perceived as ok until I decide to go. It's like living two lives.

 

[Superdeterminist]

There is no more relieving feeling in the world. Gosh it feels good...If you have the materials on hand it's even better. Knowing you can just abandon this shitty world as you please. Like a prisoner who dug themselves a secret tunnel straight out to freedom.

 

[coyotestark]

It is a relief, I'm none to happy about it, but it's relieving none the less.

 

[Side-By-Side]

Yes, yes and YES!

I believe that it'll be a HUGE sense of relief for me especially if I am able to CTB using a peaceful method...For me it is important to feel at peace while CTB in order to sustain that sense of relief that I believe I would feel...SI might get in the way of feeling that relief...

 

[KlMeNw]

I have the means to end it relatively peacefully which makes the idea of checking out a reality for me and that is a big comfort indeed. However, I have a wife and three young kids and I agonize every day about how badly I would leave them off if I ctb. I envy people who can just cut out with no responsibility so much I'm turning green. So the pain and distorted clown world I live in continue on ..... and on.... God help us all.

 

[EnlightenedDeath]

So i am sure i will ctb before the year is up.

Now i feel so much relief, no more worries, nothing matters.

if im stressed i say to myself : " dont worry il be dead soon anyway".

anyone else relate?

I have had my SN since the beginning of October and my Meto since the end of October. I was having Thanksgiving dinner with what family I have left and the I ended up with the largest smile on my face and warmest of feelings through my body when my brain processed that this is more than likely my last Thanksgiving dinner. It was weird but so comforting at the same time having these feelings. Just have to make it through Christmas and then my birthday in January is when I plan to take the bus ride.

I have had to be careful with my words when crap happens that I no longer care about. I can't make the mistake of saying something like "It wont be my problem for long" or the like as that will tip someone off. The peace is so close yet still so far.

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

I have had my SN since the beginning of October and my Meto since the end of October. I was having Thanksgiving dinner with what family I have left and the I ended up with the largest smile on my face and warmest of feelings through my body when my brain processed that this is more than likely my last Thanksgiving dinner. It was weird but so comforting at the same time having these feelings. Just have to make it through Christmas and then my birthday in January is when I plan to take the bus ride.

I have had to be careful with my words when crap happens that I no longer care about. I can't make the mistake of saying something like "It wont be my problem for long" or the like as that will tip someone off. The peace is so close yet still so far.

Yes 100% same thoughts for me!

 

[LonelyEmerald]

Yes, except for the fact I don't have my reglan/primperan :C

 

[sufferingextremely]

In the height of my suffering, I had recurring, very elaborate death fantasies. I wanted big white bed with bright white sheets, fluffy white pillows, and big wooden posts. I wanted this in a house in some far away place, right next to the ocean. My fantasies were divorced from the practical realities of CTB and divorced from reality in general, and I just dreamed. I thought that somehow I could have a nitrogen pump that would slowly fill the room up, and that somehow I could just very slowly fade away. I could have music playing, and I pictured myself laying there and gradually turning pale or maybe turning blue.

I wanted to feel the relief of dying over a prolonged period of time, and it felt like such bliss to think of this. Then what eventually happened is I started to have problems with my heart. I nearly died in my sleep several times. I would wake up and my whole system would be vibrating, and I would feel like I was about to go. This was accompanied by an instinctual terror that I'd never felt before and that was unlike anything that I'd ever known. It was a terrible realization, that this is what I would feel in my last moments on earth. I experienced what it is like to die.

Peaceful ways out may not trigger this. What is needed, I think, is for your brain and body to not know that you're about to die. I'm not sure though, and this business of dying seems like something where you cannot escape some amount of emotional and/or physical pain.

 

[justwanasleep]

Knowing I'm going to kill myself in 2 months makes me feel great. I still care about things and people I love but everything matters a little less.
I don't feel any less guilty though I'm my mums only child so it will be shit for her and my Nana isn't in the best heath so that really pulls on my heart and makes me want to stay longer but i wouldn't be living for me I'd be doing what I'm doing now and living for others. And my pets won't be cared for in the same way I do but I just can't keep going on.
The first time I tried to kill myself I was 14 I'm 27 very soon and I'm sick of waking up everyday.
I relish the thought of putting my head in the noose being in short term pain and then never waking up.

 

[StrangeAndDeath]

The most peaceful moment I had in my life was during a road accident on the highway, when my German made car was skitting into oncoming traffic at almost 80mph.

I just knew I was gonna die and I felt a peace like never before or ever since. I want that back!

I had a similar experience. I fell off a motorbike and with still one leg on the bike, I felt some peace. I was in fact happy, smiling because it seemed the world down and I could see my death approaching.
Sadly, I had a big backpack, so it cushioned my fall and the only injuries were a very scraped elbow and shin.

 

[enviro400mmc]

I did but then I keep on changing my mind about whether I want to ctb and realising I no longer have that sense of relief is so painful and just drags me back into wanting to ctb

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

I did but then I keep on changing my mind about whether I want to ctb and realising I no longer have that sense of relief is so painful and just drags me back into wanting to ctb

then i suggest if you have any doubts in your mind to seriusly reconsider and try every avenue to get help and recover. If theres any doubt or hesitance it shows you actually want to live. you just want to stop hurting imo.

 

[enviro400mmc]

then i suggest if you have any doubts in your mind to seriusly reconsider and try every avenue to get help and recover. If theres any doubt or hesitance it shows you actually want to live. you just want to stop hurting imo.

Yeah you're not wrong and I just feel paralyzed in this state where I know I shouldn't ctb but I really wish I could and can't stop thinking about anything else.

And I can't even talk to people outside of SaSu about it because either they will just belittle me or just treat me like I'm weird (or both) and both of them are not great ways of making me recover.

 

[NeverEndingPain]

So i am sure i will ctb before the year is up.

Now i feel so much relief, no more worries, nothing matters.

if im stressed i say to myself : " dont worry il be dead soon anyway".

anyone else relate?

I try to think this way as in don't worry I'll be dead anyways but then the worry of it failing and ending up in a worse situation takes over. I hate this and just want to feel confident and sure of my method I worry about not being found for days/weeks and left decomposing. I don't want a mess left for others to clean up
Note: I wish I never watched a biohazard cleanup of a decomposing body

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

I try to think this way as in don't worry I'll be dead anyways but then the worry of it failing and ending up in a worse situation takes over. I hate this and just want to feel confident and sure of my method

relatable . i just try to remain hopeful my method will work.

Yeah you're not wrong and I just feel paralyzed in this state where I know I shouldn't ctb but I really wish I could and can't stop thinking about anything else.

And I can't even talk to people outside of SaSu about it because either they will just belittle me or just treat me like I'm weird (or both) and both of them are not great ways of making me recover.

please try and find help .

 

[NeverEndingPain]

relatable . i just try to remain hopeful my method will work.

I think I remember you saying hanging was your method?
Sorry if I'm wrong. I think maybe you mentioned not being able to tie a knot.
If hanging isn't your method can I ask what is?

 

[Ineedtodie]

No I don't relate. I have a noose ready for sometime. Why am I not killing myself? It's not as easy as you would imagine.
The idea gives a relief but if you won't act. What's the point.

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

I think I remember you saying hanging was your method?
Sorry if I'm wrong. I think maybe you mentioned not being able to tie a knot.
If hanging isn't your method can I ask what is?

Drowning in the ocean.

 

[gimzero]

Me to in the same boat of charon.

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

Me to in the same boat of charon.

Charon, in Greek mythology, the son of Erebus and Nyx (Night), whose duty it was to ferry over the Rivers Styx and Acheron those souls of the deceased who had received the rites of burial. In payment he received the coin that was placed in the mouth of the corpse. In art, where he was first depicted in an Attic vase dating from about 500 bce, Charon was represented as a morose and grisly old man. Charon appears in Aristophanes' comedy Frogs (406 bce); Virgil portrayed him in Aeneid, Book VI (1st century bce); and he is a common character in the dialogues of Lucian (2nd century ce). In Etruscan mythology he was known as Charun and appeared as a death demon, armed with a hammer. Eventually he came to be regarded as the image of death and of the world below. As such he survives in Charos, or Charontas, the angel of death in modern Greek folklore.

 

[outrider567]

A sense of relief, yes I get that feeling each time I think of my Nitrogen tank....just waiting for me

 

[makethepainstop]

So i am sure i will ctb before the year is up.

Now i feel so much relief, no more worries, nothing matters.

if im stressed i say to myself : " dont worry il be dead soon anyway".

anyone else relate?

Yep, I'm almost giddy, knowing the pain will end, my hurting will stop. Apparently as God is being most uncooperative in this matter, I shall have to force the issue!

 

[Cantbereal]

If I knew my way out was full proof. I can't find that yett.