I have a job. I have a social life. I'm active and volunteer a lot. I'm on a board for a volunteer organization. I'm always busy. Always doing something. I still want to kill myself. I keep busy in hopes that it will make the years pass faster. It actually kind of works, but when I have a free weekend with nothing planned- I'm miserable. Freedom gives me time to think. To ruminate on my past. That's when I remember exactly why I want to die so bad. I can only run away from my thoughts when I'm busy. Every night before I fall asleep, and every weekend I have nothing to do, I remember. I don't do well at work because I'm passionate about my job. I do well because throwing myself into something occupies my brain and helps me forget for a while.
It's an exhausting cycle, and I can't wait for it to be over. I can't imagine doing this for another 10-15 years, but I don't feel like I have a choice until my mother passes. There's no "getting better" because I don't want to die because of my present life circumstances. I want to die because of painful past memories and childhood trauma. A great life now just doesn't make up for it, and instinctively, I think I always knew that. I kept telling myself that once everything fell into place I'd be happy, but I knew it was a lie even when I was working hard to get to this place. It makes the waiting a little more bearable at least.
I'm going to clean the house from top to bottom tomorrow. Go over some details for some projects at work. Blast a podcast and go for a run. I just can't sit still or lay around doing nothing. It just leads to tears, tears and more tears and it takes me days to pull myself out of it.
It's an exhausting cycle, and I can't wait for it to be over. I can't imagine doing this for another 10-15 years, but I don't feel like I have a choice until my mother passes. There's no "getting better" because I don't want to die because of my present life circumstances. I want to die because of painful past memories and childhood trauma. A great life now just doesn't make up for it, and instinctively, I think I always knew that. I kept telling myself that once everything fell into place I'd be happy, but I knew it was a lie even when I was working hard to get to this place. It makes the waiting a little more bearable at least.
I'm going to clean the house from top to bottom tomorrow. Go over some details for some projects at work. Blast a podcast and go for a run. I just can't sit still or lay around doing nothing. It just leads to tears, tears and more tears and it takes me days to pull myself out of it.
