Anybody detach themselves from reality on very suicidal days?

[WaitingForMyRide]

Just curious if I'm the only one this happens to. On days where my suicidal ideations are on rapid fire and my SI is low, I find myself disconnected or detached from reality. Hard to explain. I'll totally zone out, get lost and confused during conversations, and I'll stare and gaze at nothing for periods of time. I've been told this also from others that have observed me. Wonder if this is a normal habit or side effect of being suicidal.?

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I rarely interact with reality… Most of the time I'm sleeping or watching YouTube… reality is bewildering

 

[tyasma]

I'm the same.

Just curious if I'm the only one this happens to. On days where my suicidal ideations are on rapid fire and my SI is low, I find myself disconnected or detached from reality. Hard to explain. I'll totally zone out, get lost and confused during conversations, and I'll stare and gaze at nothing for periods of time. I've been told this also from others that have observed me. Wonder if this is a normal habit or side effect of being suicidal.?

For us it's surely more than a 'normal habit', though it's far from being exclusive to suicidal people. It's a defense mechanism. I live way more detached nowadays than "in the moment".

 

[SamTam33]

That's interesting. For me it's the opposite. When I'm most suicidal, I feel like everything is in perfect focus. I'm simultaneously aware of every adverse condition in my life and I can clearly see how the future plays out.

I become acutely aware of everything (the buzzing of the refrigerator seems extra loud).

I'm so used to faking the funk that I can have perfectly normal conversations no matter what. I could have a pistol in my mouth, and convince you I was just about to try a new recipe I found online. So conversations don't really suffer on those days, but I try hard to avoid them because that's when I get the urge to shout from the rooftops that I'm going to die.

But what you described sounds perfectly normal. Almost like your body and mind preparing to seperate itself from the world.

 

[Venus13]

I detach myself from reality on normal days and feel cold, concrete reality on the worst suicidal days. I feel a high connection to stark reality in my senses and mind on the days I almost go.

Dissociation is your mind protecting itself I think. Suicide ultimately takes physical awareness and movement. Being spaced out might actually slow that down or make it less urgent.

 

[WaitingForMyRide]

Awesome answers and thx for the input guys. My one medication could be a key factor here also but that's another story I guess.

 

[Unending]

I pretty consistently strive to flee my consciousness and wouldn't want it any other way for the time being. Unless life lets up the pain that is inflicted upon me psychologically, I don't know if it is safe to spend too much time in meditative states.

 

[GentlyFading]

The clinical term for the disconnect you're describing is called dissociation. At its mildest, dissociation manifests as daydreams. At the most severe, you're losing time. It's often a way our bodies cope with immense distress (think: learned helplessness and the freeze response). When the stress doesn't stop and the body can't seem to escape it, the best option is to check out and conserve energy.

To add some perspective: I chronically dissociate and meet criteria for Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder. My body feels like its not mine. For as long as I can remember, I've never been able to understand that the face in the mirror as my own. Usually I'm checked out of reality just enough that my memory feels the same as dreams. This due to my childhood was one where I was chronically distressed. My body learned to check out as a way to protect itself.

Feeling suicidal is often a response to distress. It makes total sense that your body decides to disconnect as a way to help stay regulated.