I happen to be a trans woman, and definitely say some of the reasons for wanting to ctb relate to being trans. Alot have to do with social and familial things, but some have to do with the massive dysphoria. Even though on HRT for years, and have been out for just about as long (started HRT about 6 months prior to being public, though I did tell my family and close friends early on), it still bothers me and I think always will.
Pretty sure the years of deep religiosity (being brought up very religious family ) while my brain was still developing and the self hatred it brought about, just broke my brain to the point of no return. Also when I came out to my family they point blank told me they thought about telling me never to contact them again but opted to stay in touch. But they continue to ignore my identity and sometimes say things against it and its so infuriating and I limit my contact with them because I cannot deal with it. But cannot bring myself remove them from my life entirely even though they are a strain on me. The general public sucks in general. Health care professional in my area have been shitty when it comes to trans issues, though they are getting better.
I really should move but the pointlessness of it and the anxiety that creates in me are huge. Plus I have a decent job (doable even though I hate it) with decent benefits that are hard to give up. Would require some pre-planning and a solid job opportunity to leave. I just don't have the will power to try, and cannot stand the idea of the number of rejections that would occur. I envy people who say, oh I can just get a new job, as if the process is easy. The anxiety it causes me actually makes me want to jump off the top of the parking garage. Since not ready to actually die yet, and do not like the risk of it not working as its not that high only 3 stories above ground; I just try not to engage things that will trigger that part of me. Since I am here obvi planning on going through with it sometime, but I do not want it to be an impulse, it must be a reasoned decision.
Beyond the trans stuff and the general strong anxiety I feel about several things, I have also been diagnosed with bpd and major depression. Have been on medications in past for the anxiety,BPD and depression but they just did not work out. Have been off the last set for a while now (about December was last time I took em). Honestly do not feel that different from when on them, they should affect my brain chemistry and help but do not ; well at least the combos I tried did not help. Some even were a detriment. In the end I am going on my own will power and when ready to move on from the world I will, though I needed to find an effective way. Previous attempts were impulsive, lacked reliability or just misguided. For now I have a few things I want to do, though as I have said in other posts I may have to settle with not completing them, if I just end up at the end of my rope.
But being both trans and having bpd, not sure what the statistical overlap would be but considering those with bpd have an attempt rate of about 70% and a success rate of about 10% for completed suicide. And trans folks have somewhere around the 40% mentioned earlier its gonna be super close to 100%. Not statistically surprising I have tried at least once before. And though I have tried the getting help path and medication, the turmoil does not go away.I also want to make clear I would not change transition for anything, it was best decision I made and do not regret it. Sometimes when I talk about my depression and sadness after transition; people seem to think I have regrets about it. Its more for so long I thought transition (and the various aspects to it) would "fix" me and I would become a normalish person who wants to live or at least likes life. But I remain ambivalent about it most of the time.
