Me and my therapist brought up my tendency towards jealousy. We are going to focus on jealousy for now. She asked me how often I compare myself to others, it turns out quite a bit. It doesn't really spawn as a coherent set of thoughts, just a tinge of pain that rises in my chest and I experience powerful, raw emotion without words put into it. I leave whatever social setting it is if possible, and I bury my head in the sand due to the overwhelmed feeling. Once I've withdrawn and buried my head in the sand I calm down, it's then that I start to hate myself and compare myself to others. I don't feel like these overwhelming emotions align with who I am as a person. I don't know why I do it and I don't want to do it. I guess I will see if she can help me stop.
I told her that I feel like jealousy causes my emotional maturity to go out the window, like a switch flips and suddenly I am operating on the level of a child. I dislike this about myself so much.
Jealousy is this shitty self defeating emotion that doesn't accomplish anything. It is completely worthless unlike anger or joy or sadness, there is no utility in experiencing it. Yet it happens over and over. It is like the rational part of my soul knows it is pointless, but the emotional side won't stop no matter how much I tell it to be quiet.