So, im 21: i have attempted suicide when i was 14 (through what was probably the dumbest attempt ever made, it landed me on a hospital bed though) and had a few times after that attempt where i tried to hang myself with whatever i could find, resulting in uh, the rope literally coming off the support and leaving me with a pretty awful looking red circle around my neck.
Since i was so inept at taking my life, i gave in and decided to give life a chance by self medicating and so on: this all turned to be futile, but im not particularly upset over it since i was kinda expecting it not to work anyway.
I don't have any "psychological blocks" when it comes to ending my life: i don't have second thoughts or a really strong SI; my only issue is that i don't know how to actually pull this off.
In the recent months i have purchased a rope, a bag of heroin, more than 20 alprazolam pills; i have deliberately starved myself in order to lose as much weight as possible to make my attempt more successfull (in case of OD, i figured a smaller BMI would help since you'd need a smaller dose of whatever you're taking; same goes in case i'll hang myself; less weight means that there's a lesser chance that the rope may come off) and i feel, well, at peace with my choice.
Still, i don't know how to do it.
I haven't decided on a method yet as im terrified of the idea of a failed attempt: it happened to me 7 years ago and i don't want to repeat the experience.
The methods i've considered are obviously hanging, overdose and jumping: neither of those feel like they would be 100% successful in my case though.
Combining different methods just sounds safer to me: I've thought of inhaling an inert gas and combining it with the various drugs i have, but im in Europe and i have no idea how to access something like a can of nitrogen; i also have no clue how to set it up and so on. If someone is in Europe and knows how to access nitrogen, please let me know, even through a private message if needed.
Hanging just feels like the most risky to me: mostly because as i said, my rope came off multiple times. Still, if it's the only thing i have i'll do it; i don't mind the pain, but i'd rather consult with the other users here first just to make sure the rope i have and the support i'll be using are suitable for it; in the next days, if the forum rules will allow me to, i'll try posting some pictures of the said rope and ecc. Please let me know in the replies if this goes against the forum rules.
Overdose is..wishful thinking at best i guess. Despite not having any tolerance to opiates, dying from an heroin overdose on its own is actually pretty rare; the idea would be to mix it with other depressants, but oral benzodiazepines won't exactly add any significant depression to the respiratory system; i have blasted my body with lots of alchol and something like 8mg of alprazolam and i simply fell asleep, projectile vomiting the next day as soon as i woke up. No respiratory depression, no hypoxia, nothing. It won't work and risking to be found under the influence means i'll be locked up for the rest of my life.
Jumping is my absolute favorite: i honestly wish i had access to tall buildings but due to cultural reasons, my country and specifically my city won't allow skyscrapers or particularly tall buildings to be built anywhere.
The place i live is a 5 stories tall building, but i don't know if it's enough to be lethal. I could post pictures (by removing the EXIF file and carefully censoring everything else) of how deep the fall would be.
It would be the best way to go in my case: i've been dreaming of jumping ever since i was a child. Still, there's the risk that i may just end up even more physical disabilities than the ones i already have.
I feel trapped: im ready to let go but im scared that none of my plans will successfully end my life.
I know about SN, but i have no idea where i could get it in Europe; i also already know how to acquire N from C but the price is massive and spending that amount on such an unstable platform is like gambling.
I apologize for having to resort to post pictures of every detail: my sight is not the best and im bad at describing things. Im also pretty bad at making an effective plan.
I really hope someone can help me figure out how to proceed; im 100% ready to go and i feel ecstatic at the idea of finally being able to exit.
Since i was so inept at taking my life, i gave in and decided to give life a chance by self medicating and so on: this all turned to be futile, but im not particularly upset over it since i was kinda expecting it not to work anyway.
I don't have any "psychological blocks" when it comes to ending my life: i don't have second thoughts or a really strong SI; my only issue is that i don't know how to actually pull this off.
In the recent months i have purchased a rope, a bag of heroin, more than 20 alprazolam pills; i have deliberately starved myself in order to lose as much weight as possible to make my attempt more successfull (in case of OD, i figured a smaller BMI would help since you'd need a smaller dose of whatever you're taking; same goes in case i'll hang myself; less weight means that there's a lesser chance that the rope may come off) and i feel, well, at peace with my choice.
Still, i don't know how to do it.
I haven't decided on a method yet as im terrified of the idea of a failed attempt: it happened to me 7 years ago and i don't want to repeat the experience.
The methods i've considered are obviously hanging, overdose and jumping: neither of those feel like they would be 100% successful in my case though.
Combining different methods just sounds safer to me: I've thought of inhaling an inert gas and combining it with the various drugs i have, but im in Europe and i have no idea how to access something like a can of nitrogen; i also have no clue how to set it up and so on. If someone is in Europe and knows how to access nitrogen, please let me know, even through a private message if needed.
Hanging just feels like the most risky to me: mostly because as i said, my rope came off multiple times. Still, if it's the only thing i have i'll do it; i don't mind the pain, but i'd rather consult with the other users here first just to make sure the rope i have and the support i'll be using are suitable for it; in the next days, if the forum rules will allow me to, i'll try posting some pictures of the said rope and ecc. Please let me know in the replies if this goes against the forum rules.
Overdose is..wishful thinking at best i guess. Despite not having any tolerance to opiates, dying from an heroin overdose on its own is actually pretty rare; the idea would be to mix it with other depressants, but oral benzodiazepines won't exactly add any significant depression to the respiratory system; i have blasted my body with lots of alchol and something like 8mg of alprazolam and i simply fell asleep, projectile vomiting the next day as soon as i woke up. No respiratory depression, no hypoxia, nothing. It won't work and risking to be found under the influence means i'll be locked up for the rest of my life.
Jumping is my absolute favorite: i honestly wish i had access to tall buildings but due to cultural reasons, my country and specifically my city won't allow skyscrapers or particularly tall buildings to be built anywhere.
The place i live is a 5 stories tall building, but i don't know if it's enough to be lethal. I could post pictures (by removing the EXIF file and carefully censoring everything else) of how deep the fall would be.
It would be the best way to go in my case: i've been dreaming of jumping ever since i was a child. Still, there's the risk that i may just end up even more physical disabilities than the ones i already have.
I feel trapped: im ready to let go but im scared that none of my plans will successfully end my life.
I know about SN, but i have no idea where i could get it in Europe; i also already know how to acquire N from C but the price is massive and spending that amount on such an unstable platform is like gambling.
I apologize for having to resort to post pictures of every detail: my sight is not the best and im bad at describing things. Im also pretty bad at making an effective plan.
I really hope someone can help me figure out how to proceed; im 100% ready to go and i feel ecstatic at the idea of finally being able to exit.
