Venting Another week in hell.

[TydalWave]

Just need to vent and i know this probably wont make much sense without context.

I am at an all time low right now and the only thing that can relieve me is CTB. My last shipments for what I need keep getting delayed and now I have to continue this charade which is my work, my life, my relationships as if everything is normal when I can barely process what reality is spitting at me.

I wish I could just call it quits or quit my job and just enjoy my final moments but I know I have to be smart and not draw attention. So here I am traveling for work feeling worse then death and I don't know what I can do but harness any last strength inside of me to fake this existence for atleast one more week.

I wish I could reach out to the people that hurt me and forgive and forget. I hate the thought of me dying leaving others feeling guilty. As much pain as she brought me, it should never justify my choice to CTB. I am doing this for myself and have felt disjoint my entire life. I wish I could explain this but I know I can't. The best I can do is leave a letter. Which breaks my heart that I will die without having that resolve for myself, but hopefully i will be in peace and others will have some respect for me. If suicide is a selfish act them it seems like the right thing to do to not reach out before ive gone through with it, even if it adds to my misery and loneliness I am destined to feel before I leave.

 

[makethepainstop]

Your pain resonates with mine, I hate my job. Yet I need money for a basic existence. As far as I'm concerned, I don't give a damn if my death causes pain to those who hurt me. Forgiveness is God's province, not mine.

 

[eldiablo666]

when I can barely process what reality is spitting at me.

This

Reality is overwhelming

 

[universe]

Your pain resonates deeply with me. This moment we know that we are going CTB, that everything is over and that there are only a few details to settle. And yet, we must continue to live by force : get up, eat, and pretend because no one can know. When we tell them that we are going to die, they don't understand and are in denial. In those moments, nothing makes sense. I'm lucky to be able to stay at home, after a period of work that was a real hell. I think I died then.

I'm at the end of my life and I have never felt so wise and serene. And at the same time, I'm terrified of the pain of the SN that could happen, in view of the last post on the subject. I'm forgiving those who have hurt me, telling me that all this does not matter anymore. It is also to mourn his will. Like you, I know they will not be answered. I mourned to explain my gesture after my death : I know that they will not understand, will be shocked or will say that it's impulsive, or worse will interfere in my life to know the smallest details, while I do everything to suffocate everything.

I send you all my prayers, you seem to be suffering a lot and carrying your existence at arm's length. I wish you peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

In an ideal world people would be able to spend their last remaining time here before ctb not having to pretend, as humans we should be able to be open about our wishes without all of the stigma associated with suicide and the fear of others interfering. After all suicide is a personal decision which should be respected but it does sound tiring and stressful what you are going through. This world is certainly hell and I also think that real relief can only be brought by leaving this world behind. I wish you freedom from your suffering for when the time is right for you to leave.

 

[TydalWave]

First off, I really appreciate all of your kind words. I know we all have our different reasons for getting to this point but in a world that has often made me feel so secluded in suffering, it really does make me feel better hearing others in similar circumstances; especially those who share the same sentiment as me because sometimes I feel stupid for caring what others think, especially those who have wronged me.

I have always wished I was someone capable of shutting off my emotions and spent years self medicating looking for something that could take it away. I don't think that thing exists, and if it does it comes at the cost of losing your personality and humanity. And I have no interest in living a fake life in a world that stomps on those who feel too much.