PurpleParadigm
The glow is an illusion
- Mar 22, 2023
- 201
I think I will go the weekend before 22-23 April before my next job is supposed to start.
Today has sucked. Can't do anything. Can't focus on anything. My mind is mush.
Woke up too late. Just stared at youtube and drank water. Didn't do any work tasks I just can't concentrate enough to even log in to remote machines. Looking at code makes my mind go blank. I just can't.
Flat dirty, can't clean. Didn't cook for months. Didn't get groceries for months. Can't go outside. Pile of trash in the corridor by the door I can't even focus enough to go down to throw it out.
All I need to do for work today is run some commands BUT I CAN'T FFS. By the time I get onto the machine (many steps, controlled validated system) my mind just goes and I watch youtube or play games.
The more tasks pile up the more anxious I get the harder it becomes to focus the less gets done.
My beloved plants withering I can't even water them I do one then just... Exhaustion. Balcony is trashed.
I NEED HELP and I NEED MEDS... But help is slow. Need to book ECG... That will take months. Just give me meds please someone I already have a diagnosis ffs.
Guys sorry I needed to vent in the most pathetic way. I don't even have energy to break down anymore. Walls are dented from throwing stuff during breakdowns but I just can't anymore. Everything I ruined myself to build is crumbling. I'm alone.
So I think on Wednesday I'll catch a plane and stay with family for a few weeks. Give them a hug. Take some time off since it's my last month in current employer anyway. Then I'll come back before 21st and drink my SN surrounded by trash. Partner abroad with parents helping them out with some errands but won't see me alive again. How can I face them? I'm pretending to be the same as the person they fell in love with. I'm not the same, not calm, not clever. Can't think at all. Fell asleep at 4AM last night.
Folks, I need a UK source for meto etc. if anyone would be willing to ever so kindly share. I can't anymore truly. Will order some McDicks now and turn off personal machine. I always had trouble vomiting so push comes to shove I'm drinking the SN raw after 3 days of fasting. Salty substances never bothered me.
You know what's funny? Ideally I'd go in January next year with Nitrogen. The old me would love to build the kit, maybe use a PLC I have sitting around to control gas flow or something. Go in a creative way after having new year with fam and after my partner visits but nah, won't happen. Salty nourishment it is. I need salty nourishment.
Today has sucked. Can't do anything. Can't focus on anything. My mind is mush.
Woke up too late. Just stared at youtube and drank water. Didn't do any work tasks I just can't concentrate enough to even log in to remote machines. Looking at code makes my mind go blank. I just can't.
Flat dirty, can't clean. Didn't cook for months. Didn't get groceries for months. Can't go outside. Pile of trash in the corridor by the door I can't even focus enough to go down to throw it out.
All I need to do for work today is run some commands BUT I CAN'T FFS. By the time I get onto the machine (many steps, controlled validated system) my mind just goes and I watch youtube or play games.
The more tasks pile up the more anxious I get the harder it becomes to focus the less gets done.
My beloved plants withering I can't even water them I do one then just... Exhaustion. Balcony is trashed.
I NEED HELP and I NEED MEDS... But help is slow. Need to book ECG... That will take months. Just give me meds please someone I already have a diagnosis ffs.
Guys sorry I needed to vent in the most pathetic way. I don't even have energy to break down anymore. Walls are dented from throwing stuff during breakdowns but I just can't anymore. Everything I ruined myself to build is crumbling. I'm alone.
So I think on Wednesday I'll catch a plane and stay with family for a few weeks. Give them a hug. Take some time off since it's my last month in current employer anyway. Then I'll come back before 21st and drink my SN surrounded by trash. Partner abroad with parents helping them out with some errands but won't see me alive again. How can I face them? I'm pretending to be the same as the person they fell in love with. I'm not the same, not calm, not clever. Can't think at all. Fell asleep at 4AM last night.
Folks, I need a UK source for meto etc. if anyone would be willing to ever so kindly share. I can't anymore truly. Will order some McDicks now and turn off personal machine. I always had trouble vomiting so push comes to shove I'm drinking the SN raw after 3 days of fasting. Salty substances never bothered me.
You know what's funny? Ideally I'd go in January next year with Nitrogen. The old me would love to build the kit, maybe use a PLC I have sitting around to control gas flow or something. Go in a creative way after having new year with fam and after my partner visits but nah, won't happen. Salty nourishment it is. I need salty nourishment.
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