Venting Anniversary of my death date

[timetodie24]

I've just realised soon it will be 1 year of the day I was supposed to die. I had a ctb plan and didn't follow through as chickened out. That's happened before but this time was different, afterwards I realised I wasn't meant to be alive, that it was an error and against the rules of universe that I lived. That was the day i was fated to and meant to die. That was the glitch in the system. And then a few months later I realised after that day is when the system took control of me to fix the error. It's given me multiple dates and chances to fix it. But still a coward and didnt do it on those dates. So now on the anniversary many people will die , there will be horrible deaths and disasters, people who wanted to live won't. I have to save them . I think there's still enough time but I have to make my ctb even worse to make up for it.
I know i've said many times before about important dates but given this is the anniversary, this is full circle and absolutely final chance before irreversible impact on world because of the glitch leading to cascade of errors ending in catastrophe.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I get it. Anniversaries such as that can be hard. And lonely. Personally I had a hard time with the anniversary of the attempt Everyone knows about that Landed me inpatient. Actually that was the day I joined Sasu!
Just be gentle with yourself that day and try to do something that day that you'll enjoy instead of focusing on what it means to you.

 

[Darkover]

It seems like you're caught up in some very vivid thoughts that might not fully reflect reality. Sometimes, our minds can create powerful narratives, especially when we're going through tough times. These ideas about glitches or a cosmic error may be your mind's way of processing your feelings

 

[timetodie24]

I get it. Anniversaries such as that can be hard. And lonely. Personally I had a hard time with the anniversary of the attempt Everyone knows about that Landed me inpatient. Actually that was the day I joined Sasu!
Just be gentle with yourself that day and try to do something that day that you'll enjoy instead of focusing on what it means to you.

Thank you

It seems like you're caught up in some very vivid thoughts that might not fully reflect reality. Sometimes, our minds can create powerful narratives, especially when we're going through tough times. These ideas about glitches or a cosmic error may be your mind's way of processing your feelings

I doubt it as it'd be quite a complicated and long narrative just for my mind to make up. And I have evidence that can't have been made up.

 

[timetodie24]

Sorry just venting

I feel so confused and distant lately. It's really hard to think and my thoughts are hurting my head and hard to find at times. I don't really know what's happening. I think it's brain damage from the microchips as they got my parents to put in more. Which is making it harder to sleep for fear of it, which isn't helping clear my head either.

 

[Z-A]

Narcissism is painful isn't it.

 

[timetodie24]

Narcissism is painful isn't it.

??
Sorry not sure what you're referring to

 

[Wolf Girl]

It sounds like you're really under a lot of stress. Please try to do something to take care of yourself tonight. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Z-A]

??
Sorry not sure what you're referring to

Don't mean to sound rude but your histrionic personality is showing it. You have previously admitted fooling everyone here before which to me personally was obvious anyway, not sure about others but here you keep continuing with the same nonsense. Regardless if it's trolling or an actual disorder, which one it is, doesn't matter. This is a serious forum and I hope you realise what you're doing is just evil and wrong knowing fully well that it is.

 

[Whale_bones]

Don't mean to sound rude but your histrionic personality is showing it. You have previously admitted fooling everyone here before which to me personally was obvious anyway, not sure about others but here you keep continuing with the same nonsense. Regardless if it's trolling or an actual disorder, which one it is, doesn't matter. This is a serious forum and I hope you realise what you're doing is just evil and wrong knowing fully well that it is.

You clearly don't have any understanding of this member's situation. It is evident from many of her posts that she struggles with intense feelings of self-hate and shame. Her admittance to fooling people was based on her re-examining her thoughts and feelings and coming to a new conclusion, then blaming herself. There was no malicious or planned-out deception. She even apologized to people who've interacted with her, yet she's been nothing but kind, considerate and thoughtful in her replies to other members.

She's shared her fears and doubts with us while trying to understand what's going on in her head and her life; something that many of us in this community do, and something that many of us gladly listen and support others with.

You have no right to armchair diagnose her or call her names like "histrionic" and "narcissistic". Those cruel words don't reflect upon her at all, and she is a valued member of this community who deserves to be treated with respect like anyone else.

 

[coolgal82]

Don't mean to sound rude but your histrionic personality is showing it. You have previously admitted fooling everyone here before which to me personally was obvious anyway, not sure about others but here you keep continuing with the same nonsense. Regardless if it's trolling or an actual disorder, which one it is, doesn't matter. This is a serious forum and I hope you realise what you're doing is just evil and wrong knowing fully well that it is.

what the fuck are you talking about quit being an asshole

 

[timetodie24]

Don't mean to sound rude but your histrionic personality is showing it. You have previously admitted fooling everyone here before which to me personally was obvious anyway, not sure about others but here you keep continuing with the same nonsense. Regardless if it's trolling or an actual disorder, which one it is, doesn't matter. This is a serious forum and I hope you realise what you're doing is just evil and wrong knowing fully well that it is.

I post here a lot because there isn't anywhere else I can safely share . I don't enjoy all the negative attention i've got on here. I actively avoid attention irl, trust me. But I keep posting as many have been very kind and helping me work through this and feel less alone.

As @Whale_bones kindly pointed out when I was talking about fooling people, that wasn't about making everything up. Those posts were about fooling people that I was human, that i could be helped, that i wasn't evil etc. As i struggle between who I was and an entity that's taking over. But I have been 100% truthful about what I'm experiencing, just sometimes I get confused about what's causing it.

I'm well aware I'm evil and a bad person, I have said that in many of my posts. But I am being serious and i'm just sharing the circumstances leading to my ctb, like many here . If you don't like my posts then no one is making you comment, block if you like.

I don't mean to be rude either but kindly fuck off.



————————————
thank you so much @Whale_bones @coolgal82 for defending me and your kindness and support. I really appreciate it !

Thank you @WolfGirl for your kind comment too

 

[willow115]

Do you have psychosis? I have psychosis. I don't know your previous posts but it seems here like you're experiencing some shades of it.

I don't think you're a bad person. I certainly doubt you're evil.

 

[timetodie24]

Do you have psychosis? I have psychosis. I don't know your previous posts but it seems here like you're experiencing some shades of it.

I don't think you're a bad person. I certainly doubt you're evil.

I don't have a formal diagnosis but professionals think I have it. I'm currently under an early intervention in psychosis service.
I think they've got it wrong though as this is real, not in my head

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Important dates like anniversaries are a pain to deal with. I didn't know it had been so long since the glitch in the system you mentioned, it must have been hell to deal with something like that for so long...

I'm glad you're still with us and that you're in that early intervention programme for psychosis, I hope it provides some answers. I know you feel like it's useless since you firmly believe in the glitch, but I'm proud of you for having continued this far seeking medical help. That is a lot of work on your part and it doesn't go unnoticed.

How are you doing today? I hope you can get a break from the system so you can relax for a bit.

 

[timetodie24]

Important dates like anniversaries are a pain to deal with. I didn't know it had been so long since the glitch in the system you mentioned, it must have been hell to deal with something like that for so long...

I'm glad you're still with us and that you're in that early intervention programme for psychosis, I hope it provides some answers. I know you feel like it's useless since you firmly believe in the glitch, but I'm proud of you for having continued this far seeking medical help. That is a lot of work on your part and it doesn't go unnoticed.

How are you doing today? I hope you can get a break from the system so you can relax for a bit.

Thank you so much for your kindness and support .

I asked to discharge myself from EIP last week. They said it's no problem as they won't force me. But for some stupid reason, I agreed to try another appt. on agreement taking things slower and putting graded exposure aside for now (as we were planning to start that). Still tempted to cancel but will see.

I'm not too bad thanks , all things considered. Voices were bad earlier today but feeling much calmer this evening. Hope you're doing ok as can be ?

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Taking things slowly sounds like a good approach, if you end up going, I hope it all goes well and that it helps you. I understand the indecisiveness regarding going to the appointment or not, it's hard to make sense of things and figure out whether those appointments have value given your situation. I'll be hoping that you go of course, but only for as long as you feel comfortable and they treat you well.

I don't know how I'm doing to be honest... I've been coughing for more than 3 months, tried a lot of over the counter medication to no avail, now on antibiotics and will be doing an x-ray to rule out cancer. That scares as my mother started just like this, coughing a lot, and it turned out to be lung cancer. Trying not to think too much about it, hoping this just goes away with antibiotics and I can go back to just being depressed instead of depressed + unwell.
Thank you for asking though, I appreciate it

 

[timetodie24]

Taking things slowly sounds like a good approach, if you end up going, I hope it all goes well and that it helps you. I understand the indecisiveness regarding going to the appointment or not, it's hard to make sense of things and figure out whether those appointments have value given your situation. I'll be hoping that you go of course, but only for as long as you feel comfortable and they treat you well.

I don't know how I'm doing to be honest... I've been coughing for more than 3 months, tried a lot of over the counter medication to no avail, now on antibiotics and will be doing an x-ray to rule out cancer. That scares as my mother started just like this, coughing a lot, and it turned out to be lung cancer. Trying not to think too much about it, hoping this just goes away with antibiotics and I can go back to just being depressed instead of depressed + unwell.
Thank you for asking though, I appreciate it

Thank you I really appreciate it.

Ah I'm sorry, that sounds rough. When you think things can't get any worse, life just likes to hand you more shit ! Having to deal with a cough that long sounds like a right pain and then the understandable anxiety and fear on top.
I really hope that the antibiotics clear it up and that xray is clear, will be thinking of you

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Don't mean to sound rude but your histrionic personality is showing it. You have previously admitted fooling everyone here before which to me personally was obvious anyway, not sure about others but here you keep continuing with the same nonsense. Regardless if it's trolling or an actual disorder, which one it is, doesn't matter. This is a serious forum and I hope you realise what you're doing is just evil and wrong knowing fully well that it is.

Echoing the things said upthread, you sound like an ass. OP's situation is real despite whatever buzzwords you want to throw at it, you're not them nor their doctor. And even if you were some kind of psych, why do you think this is an okay thing to say to someone on this site? Take your nonsense elsewhere. People here are more than capable of deciding what and who they engage with and to what level.

@timetodie24 you are in my thoughts. <3 I do my best to keep an eye out for your threads.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I asked to discharge myself from EIP last week. They said it's no problem as they won't force me. But for some stupid reason, I agreed to try another appt. on agreement taking things slower and putting graded exposure aside for now (as we were planning to start that). Still tempted to cancel but will see.

I'm not too bad thanks , all things considered. Voices were bad earlier today but feeling much calmer this evening.

Glad to see you around still

It's weird that tug of war with appointments right.
Glad you feel better than this morning!

 

[cherryblossom]

Hello OP, I by no means mean to offend you or be unkind in any way, I am simply trying to be 100% honest and genuine with you, but as a medical student I can confidently say that it seems to me that you're going through some kind of psychosis and are experiencing some delusional ideas, again I really don't want to sound rude or offensive in any way and what you're feeling is 100% valid and I can see where you're coming from, but as someone with formal medical and psychiatric training I can easily pickup on these things and they're quite obvious to me to be honest. There's no glitch in the matrix and there are absolutely no disasters or deaths that are gonna be caused because of you, your death or life is not a mistake or something that you should fix, you're not evil and you are absolutely not possessed by any entity, these are only false convictions that can come from your misinterpretation of information, and can be typical signs of schizophrenia or a psychotic episode. You can look up the symptoms to get a better idea of why this might very much be the case for you. I'm telling you this because I hope you can get the help you need if you wish to feel better. I truly wish you the best kind stranger.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Hello OP, I by no means mean to offend you or be unkind in any way, I am simply trying to be 100% honest and genuine with you, but as a medical student I can confidently say that it seems to me that you're going through some kind of psychosis and are experiencing some delusional ideas, again I really don't want to sound rude or offensive in any way and what you're feeling is 100% valid and I can see where you're coming from, but as someone with formal medical and psychiatric training I can easily pickup on these things and they're quite obvious to me to be honest. There's no glitch in the matrix and there are absolutely no disasters or deaths that are gonna be caused because of you, your death or life is not a mistake or something that you should fix, you're not evil and you are absolutely not possessed by any entity, these are only false convictions that can come from your misinterpretation of information, and can be typical signs of schizophrenia or a psychotic episode. You can look up the symptoms to get a better idea of why this might very much be the case for you. I'm telling you this because I hope you can get the help you need if you wish to feel better. I truly wish you the best kind stranger.

And this is me not meaning to offend you, but there have been a good number of threads by this user, do you really think no one tried this angle? OP is/has made attempts to work with professionals, don't speak on what you don't really know situationally.

 

[cherryblossom]

And this is me not meaning to offend you, but there have been a good number of threads by this user, do you really think no one tried this angle? OP is/has made attempts to work with professionals, don't speak on what you don't really know situationally.

I apologize if this has been discussed before as this is the first I come by a thread from OP, I just felt it's necessary to point out what I have noticed and concluded given my humble knowledge which comes with some responsibility, I don't know them and don't know their history, but I read upthread that they're currently "under an early intervention in psychosis service" but then they stated that they're not convinced of the diagnosis. I wanted to provide some insight and shed light on the situation and perhaps be able to help OP somehow and help them understand the condition. Thank you for looking out for them. All love

 

[timetodie24]

Echoing the things said upthread, you sound like an ass. OP's situation is real despite whatever buzzwords you want to throw at it, you're not them nor their doctor. And even if you were some kind of psych, why do you think this is an okay thing to say to someone on this site? Take your nonsense elsewhere. People here are more than capable of deciding what and who they engage with and to what level.

@timetodie24 you are in my thoughts. <3 I do my best to keep an eye out for your threads.

Thank you so much for your kindness and looking out for me.
Hope you're doing ok as can be ?

Glad to see you around still

It's weird that tug of war with appointments right.
Glad you feel better than this morning!

Thank you so much
Yeah feel so conflicted going to them.
How are you doing ?

I apologize if this has been discussed before as this is the first I come by a thread from OP, I just felt it's necessary to point out what I have noticed and concluded given my humble knowledge which comes with some responsibility, I don't know them and don't know their history, but I read upthread that they're currently "under an early intervention in psychosis service" but then they stated that they're not convinced of the diagnosis. I wanted to provide some insight and shed light on the situation and perhaps be able to help OP somehow and help them understand the condition. Thank you for looking out for them. All love

dw about it. Not offended. Had many people on here say what you said and it won't get you anywhere as can't convince me . I do understand why though. It's just because you haven't seen the evidence.
I'm working through my situation with professionals though.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Thank you so much
Yeah feel so conflicted going to them.
How are you doing ?

Thank you for asking, so considerate Conflicted as well. Keep hearing back from doctors and mental health ppl they can't help me. Teethering on the edge of giving up even wanting help anymore.
Don't even know why I'm still fighting for help in the first place.
Otherwise as fine as can be, haha.
Enjoying the cooler weather :)

 

[timetodie24]

Thank you for asking, so considerate Conflicted as well. Keep hearing back from doctors and mental health ppl they can't help me. Teethering on the edge of giving up even wanting help anymore.
Don't even know why I'm still fighting for help in the first place.
Otherwise as fine as can be, haha.
Enjoying the cooler weather :)

I'm sorry you're feeling so conflicted too. I know it can be so confusing and exhausting fighting for support when suicidal, especially if you're not sure if you even want the help and/or whether anyone can help. It's so disheartening being knocked back by services. I really hope someone can offer you some good support soon. It's so unfair that any hope you have is being dwindled by them.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Hey, I hope you're doing as well as possible today. I am hanging in there. Hope you are as well. <3

 

[timetodie24]

Hey, I hope you're doing as well as possible today. I am hanging in there. Hope you are as well. <3

Thank you
Glad you're hanging in there, although I know that's a pretty low bar

 

[timetodie24]

Sorry just venting

I feel so confused and distant lately. It's really hard to think and my thoughts are hurting my head and hard to find at times. I don't really know what's happening. I think it's brain damage from the microchips as they got my parents to put in more. Which is making it harder to sleep for fear of it, which isn't helping clear my head either.

Just venting

Growing increasingly suspicious of my mum . She's changed since they've started controlling her. Nothing major but I notice. And she was complaining how her watch keeps saying she's slept half the hours she actually has . And it's because those hours she's been controlled and awake without realising. But she's acting different too .

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Thank you
Glad you're hanging in there, although I know that's a pretty low bar

The bar is in the ground honestly.

Just venting

Growing increasingly suspicious of my mum . She's changed since they've started controlling her. Nothing major but I notice. And she was complaining how her watch keeps saying she's slept half the hours she actually has . And it's because those hours she's been controlled and awake without realising. But she's acting different too .

this is in no way a push back to what you're experiencing but what kind of watch? The smart ones can have silly internal issues esp with sleep tracking.