compulsoryaliveness
Member
- Oct 6, 2024
- 68
I haven't been posting on here for awhile. Things got better, materially. Housing, welfare, a good friend, recovery from a break up, no longer a carer.
But still. I am here, most days. Looking. And after a recent spate of stressful events, I'm back in the hole of ctb. It's all I can think about.
The problem with going as deep as I have - and many others on this forum - into suicide as an option, is that nothing else is ever the better option.
The only reason I am not ctbing now is because the process requires more stress than getting through the moment right now. Which is great, my life is better. More manageable.
But still, I don't want it. It can't be better than this and I am still forcing myself to sleep so tomorrow feels slightly better. Everyday just feels like ignoring the fact that I am not built to be here, in this world, in this particular timeline, with this social configuration.
I am too intense, too weird, too emotional, too brutal, too everything. There's nothing I can do to stop it. People smell it on me. They always have. I am going to spend my life either 1) actively planning to ctb or 2) trying to make ctbing more annoying than just staying here.
Is this a life? It's not enough. And I'm too much. There's no way around it.
But still. I am here, most days. Looking. And after a recent spate of stressful events, I'm back in the hole of ctb. It's all I can think about.
The problem with going as deep as I have - and many others on this forum - into suicide as an option, is that nothing else is ever the better option.
The only reason I am not ctbing now is because the process requires more stress than getting through the moment right now. Which is great, my life is better. More manageable.
But still, I don't want it. It can't be better than this and I am still forcing myself to sleep so tomorrow feels slightly better. Everyday just feels like ignoring the fact that I am not built to be here, in this world, in this particular timeline, with this social configuration.
I am too intense, too weird, too emotional, too brutal, too everything. There's nothing I can do to stop it. People smell it on me. They always have. I am going to spend my life either 1) actively planning to ctb or 2) trying to make ctbing more annoying than just staying here.
Is this a life? It's not enough. And I'm too much. There's no way around it.
