Amazed by all the people here who were actually able to talk about their problems with their close ones.

[TastySorrow]

Hello, new user here with half introductory/half thought first post. Been a lurker since early 2020, back when I accepted my own suicidal thoughts after completely messing up my life and shattering any glimpse of a bright future - and counting, as things have only been getting worse. Guess I'll talk about that in future posts when I have the guts to.

Because, precisely, courage is the word here. In all this time of reading people's stories, I'm just amazed by how brave some of you were to open up to parents/couples/relatives, voluntarily getting therapy or dealing with the social weight, consequences and shame of failed attempts (at CTB or anything else, to be honest). My life is just a vicious circle of embarrassing situations which I've been just keeping to me or talking about with people in a super meticulous and tangential way to not raise suspicion, which leads to stacking more failure and embarrassment. It's the main reason why I'm here, wanting to vent in front of complete strangers solely for the reason that even though I do have people around I trust, the fact of having been raised in the culture of shame just has a bigger weight.

I might seem like a "normal" person among many here for not cutting myself, not having gotten any kind of therapy or been to a psychic ward, not taking antidepressants and whatnot, but the truth is I'm dying inside -which is probably almost nobody else to blame for but me- and I envy (in a good way) some people who might seem like in a worse position than me.

Just thought it was not a recurrent topic in the forum; I apologize if it actually is.
Thanks for letting me in this amazing community.

 

[moonchild]

I relate to this so much, especially the part about keeping the embarrassing things to yourself and letting it build. I'm even ashamed to talk about things that aren't actually embarrassing, because I know there's so much more to it than I'd tell, and if I know then surely the other person knows too lol. Makes me feel really lonely as well, because it's like no one really knows me, if that makes sense?

Regarding seeming like a "normal" person: I often wish my reactions to suffering would be turned more outwards, because that makes it more obvious to other people, and gives them more reason for concern. Instead it's only turned inwards, on myself. I close up and go to hide and suffer in peace, and everyone can keep thinking everything is fine. It sucks. It also makes me feel like my pain is somehow inferior, at times, but it's not very helpful to compare like that. I guess other people do though. like they see someone who's very vocal about how they feel, and feel sorry for them or whatever, but assume that someone else who isn't expressing their pain isn't even in pain to begin with. :/

 

[Pauly]

THis also sounds eerily familiar for me too.

 

[TastySorrow]

Makes me feel really lonely as well, because it's like no one really knows me, if that makes sense?

TOTALLY makes sense. Not even my best real life friend or my wife know everything about me (though she knows quite a bit more) and that not only makes me feel alone in a way, like you describe, but also like I'm deceiving them since they might be completely open to me about themselves while I'm not.

In any case, it's kinda relieving to know I'm not the only one. Really hope I can ease the pain in this forum till the day comes, because it's too late for me to open up to my close ones.

 

[Walilamdzi]

I have spoken at great length about it with family. Conversations go round in circles, they insist things will get better. I'm on an increased level of vigilance having admitted to trying to hang myself.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Welcome. Sorry you find yourself here. I regret ever taking to anyone. I certainly regret asking for help. I was the fool asking for help from the blind.

 

[mathieu]

I'm pretty open about it with family (at times) and my psychologist but it's probably because I've been suicidal and in therapy since I was 15. It's still uncomfortable to discuss for me, though.