ixkitty
Let me be Selfish, just this once.
- Aug 15, 2020
- 356
I already hear the same phrases over and over and over again.
"You need to stand up for yourself."
"Just say 'NO'! "
"Don't let them run over you."
Including many variations of it in some way shape or form, I feel like I've heard it all.
However, here I am still doing the things, getting hurt, and blaming no one but myself because IF I said no, it wouldn't have happened. I've been told I'm a kind soul, a sweet person, a loving and giving heart. I bleed the most inside, I hurt, cry, get angry, and bleed inside.
As someone that slaves away in the Postal Service, I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did. November-now has been 13+ hours every day with no regard for their employees. I haven't had time to write my last notes to my few friends and the family that would actually care. I'm mentally, physically, and emotionally tired. I get to listen to the "you can do it" and "It'll be okay" and "you got this" ... not knowing that I, in fact, cannot do it and I will not be okay and I don't got this. All I need is time. That's it. Just enough time to sit, think, and plan.
I feel like I've been planning for well over 10 years. What am I going to do and how am I going to do it? I have DMSO and SN and a ratchet..
I dislike how I ALWAYS take others emotions into account with everything. I hate myself even more for it.. Yes, I hate myself. I'm sweet and kind to everyone but myself. I look in the mirror and see someone who deserves to die. I hate looking into my reflection and I hate the person I see.
I'm not femimine enough for beautiful dresses, I hate make up because it makes me look fake. I'm just exhausted from everything.
Anyway, Thanks for coming to my brain-tedtalk
"You need to stand up for yourself."
"Just say 'NO'! "
"Don't let them run over you."
Including many variations of it in some way shape or form, I feel like I've heard it all.
However, here I am still doing the things, getting hurt, and blaming no one but myself because IF I said no, it wouldn't have happened. I've been told I'm a kind soul, a sweet person, a loving and giving heart. I bleed the most inside, I hurt, cry, get angry, and bleed inside.
As someone that slaves away in the Postal Service, I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did. November-now has been 13+ hours every day with no regard for their employees. I haven't had time to write my last notes to my few friends and the family that would actually care. I'm mentally, physically, and emotionally tired. I get to listen to the "you can do it" and "It'll be okay" and "you got this" ... not knowing that I, in fact, cannot do it and I will not be okay and I don't got this. All I need is time. That's it. Just enough time to sit, think, and plan.
I feel like I've been planning for well over 10 years. What am I going to do and how am I going to do it? I have DMSO and SN and a ratchet..
I dislike how I ALWAYS take others emotions into account with everything. I hate myself even more for it.. Yes, I hate myself. I'm sweet and kind to everyone but myself. I look in the mirror and see someone who deserves to die. I hate looking into my reflection and I hate the person I see.
I'm not femimine enough for beautiful dresses, I hate make up because it makes me look fake. I'm just exhausted from everything.
Anyway, Thanks for coming to my brain-tedtalk