am i selfish for wanting to know how others would react

[uselessflesh]

i feel like absolute shit for feeling this way but i want to know if, when pushed to my limits, people would really care enough after i passed. if my passing would leave a permanent stain or just be another insignificant event that they quickly move on from and replace me. no one takes seriously that i *want* to kill myself. they're so used to the watered down jokes and don't believe that i actually will. so that's why if i finally do, i would want to see their reactions to the truth and i'd regret not being able to witness that. i would fear regretting my choice if any of them truly had good reason to want me kept here, or if it spread and i became widely beloved and sympathized with. i feel like an attention seeking idiot, absolutely sickened with myself. i think it's just my form of wanting to matter to the utmost degree to where no one needs anyone else. i'm really tired

 

[ScaredOfMachines]

It's normal to feel that way, it's the way I do as well. It's a dream for us for people to care about us when we die, it's part of the reason why Thirteen Reasons Why increased suicides among the people who watched it, with it selling suicide as a revenge that will cause the people in your life to realize how much they cared about you. Being remembered or realizing someone truly cared about you after the fact would feel amazing.

Don't feel any guilt over caring so much. I don't think what you described makes you an attention seeker at all.

 

[TheHolySword]

Yes and no. I would want to know that I was loved even in the end. But I do not want to see their hearts break.

 

[LostLily]

It normal to want to know how other people view you and how your life effect theirs.

 

[AnderDethsky]

I don't think it's selfish. You care about your honor and your memory, and ultimately the purity of your soul. It's a normal part of taking care of yourself, and no one should blame you for that. The fact that you care about how your death is perceived says that you at least care about yourself, you love yourself inside, and even if you cause your own death, you still wouldn't want to make it worse for yourself.

 

[social amoeba]

i get it. its a real issue for me at the moment, especially because the more depressed i get, the less the people in my life seem to care and like me so i feel like when im dead they're just not going to care at all and that tortures me