Am I really a freak?

[Ampersand713]

I've been cutting myself for years now, I'm practically a chopping board.

My mother never allowed me to hurt anyone. Whenever someone would hurt me and I try to fight back, my mother would beat me up. She also didn't like seeing me cry, so whenever she sees me cry, she would beat me up some more, until I stop crying or pass out from the pain. I never understood why it had to be this way, so I just let it happen. But there will be times when all the anger I try to bottle up gets released and I sometimes yell or hurt someone. My mother would just beat me up some more.

So one day I just decided to take all my anger out on myself. I grabbed a kitchen knife and made a small cut on my wrist. It hurt, but it also felt refreshing. The blood looked beautiful to me. When my mom found out, she just beat me up again, but I didn't care anymore. I loved the cuts and bruises, I got too addicted to the pain. I felt free, free to express my anger without hurting anyone. Nobody cared anyways, they all said I did it for attention.

But now I ran out of space, both my arms are full of bruises, so I decided to stop. I've had multiple attempts as well all of them are failures just like me.

Maybe they're right, maybe I'm actually a freak and a psychopath. Maybe this world is better off without people like me around.

 

[NoHorizon]

For what it's worth, I don't think you're a freak. It sounds to me like you've suffered terrible abuse at the hands of someone who should have been giving you nothing but love and care and that is tremendously damaging mentally. It isn't surprising that you've learned to "enjoy" undergoing suffering as a way to cope with what must have been incredibly confusing and scary at the time.

I hope that one day you're able to give yourself the compassion that you should have received from your mother.

 

[SmollMushroom]

I can't believe your mother beat you up until you passed out.
Sorry to say it, but if there's a psycho in here, it's she. She surely must have some issues.
I think you are a very strong person for enduring all of that ~ Whatever your plans for the future are, I wish you well.

 

[Ampersand713]

For what it's worth, I don't think you're a freak. It sounds to me like you've suffered terrible abuse at the hands of someone who should have been giving you nothing but love and care and that is tremendously damaging mentally. It isn't surprising that you've learned to "enjoy" undergoing suffering as a way to cope with what must have been incredibly confusing and scary at the time.

I hope that one day you're able to give yourself the compassion that you should have received from your mother.

I'll try my best, and thanks

I can't believe your mother beat you up until you passed out.
Sorry to say it, but if there's a psycho in here, it's she. She surely must have some issues.
I think you are a very strong person for enduring all of that ~ Whatever your plans for the future are, I wish you well.

Thank you, I'll do my best

 

[Myforevercharlie]

It's pretty clear who's the freak in this story.

And it isn't you.