Am I ready?

[OverIt1976]

Well let's see. Here is a list of shit I'm dealing with:

1. 49 years old
2. Heart attack on October 11, 2025
3. Now taking 11 medications for heart, anxiety and depression. Yes, I'm including this in my list.
4. Some medical debt.
5. New and fun lawsuit from land lord suing for back rent for November and December.
   1. Their lawsuit makes no sense. Monies don't add up and their legal whores are trash.
   2. I have until December 31 to answer complaint. I already answered 10 minutes ago.
6. Unemployed since March 2025.
   1. Job market is trash thanks to Trump.
   2. I've applied for over 2000 jobs since then for pretty much every industry, including most of those I am more than established in.
      1. Maybe 100 interviews, the rest ghost or send the "unfortunately" email.
      2. 1 job offer that fell apart because on a public Instagram page i called Trump a "fucking fascist Orange Hitler".
         1. They did a social media stalk without telling me.
   3. I've revamped my resume more than i can count. Made several depending on industry applied for and skills.
   4. I used to make custom cover letters, but that seems to be of no use.
   5. I rock the interviews.
      1. But I sense ageism for the most part.
         1. Yes I shave, style my do ...
            1. But I have a gray beard, and brown with grey strands in my hair
      2. Overweight. Who wants a fatty? Apparently not Corporate America.
         1. On a sort of plus note. I'm not eating what I used to anymore. Dropped 34 pounds.
7. I suffer from (in no particular order):
   1. Heart disease. And bonus, I have a stent in my heart now after cardio removed a 2 inch clot from my heart that was 98% occluded,
   2. Suicidal ideation (non-stop, even with meds),
   3. 4 prior suicide attempts resulting in stints in behavioral health,
   4. Severe anxiety,
   5. Major depressive disorder,
   6. PTSD,
   7. Borderline personality disorder... just to name a few.
8. Last boyfriend was 8 years ago.
   1. I've had some one nighters, but the more I age, the more i hate myself and what I've done with my body.
      1. And the guys I'm attracted to are not even remotely interested in a fat dude. Although, there are some that live far far away, so that sucks.
   2. I've had problems with performance anxiety because of the rejections.
      1. Being intimate is scary for me.
9. I've ostracized my family, but they recently have been more active since my heart attack. But not enough.
10. I don't have the capacity to think of the future. I've always believed I would be dead by 50, which would be in July 2026.
11. I can't enjoy the things I want to anymore.
    1. Food, alcohol, rollercoasters (yes, I said it), boys, family, hiking, camping, anything requiring any energy since I have none.
       1. I know that I can control these things, but you all know that when we get to this point, nothing matters.
12. I've reached a peak apathy I've never had before.
    1. I don't fear death, at all.
13. I've written my fair share of goodbye notes.
14. I've planned at least 12 exits, and my latest attempt with the CO2 was a failure.
    1. Now I'm inching toward partial hanging.
15. If I lose this court case and get evicted, I will be homeless. That's for real.
    1. My parents have helped out with what they could through the year, and it's been substantial in ways of rent, phone and house-hold items.
       1. I'm on SNAP, but they keep fucking me every month.
    2. My younger sister has a full house of teenagers, dogs, husband and grandkids. There is no way I can stay there, plus no room for storage of my belongings.
    3. My older sister. Now, this is the one who started all this. Long story short: I posted memes about my disdain for Trump and religion. She took offense and came into my place and harangued me then I called her a "cunt" (act like one, get called one), she sent her two 20's something year old boys and they beat the shit out of me. So, caused the rift.
       1. There is no way she'd let me stay with her.
    4. My older brother. No. You want the quintessential version of Trump... that's him. He bought my parents house. They all live together. i used to live there when my parents owned it. We butted heads more than once. I hate him, he hates me. We tolerate each other when I visit. But they live 30 miles north.
    5. Both sisters live live about 60 miles north of me.
    6. So, Ill be on the streets. Utah winter, with a dog.
    7. I emailed the siblings about two weeks ago just stating my facts and asking if they could take me in for a short while. You know what i got as an answer?
       1. Ghosted.
16. My car insurance has lapsed. Registration has lapsed because in Utah they yank your plates if not insured.
17. If I lose my apartment, i literally have no where to go. I'll be abandoning all of my belongings, everything. TV, bed, small appliances, most clothes, food, dishes, cookware, mementos, art... EVERYTHING.
    1. So they'll be a judgment against me for past rent of about $4000, plus cleaning fees, plus attorney fees, plus item removal, plus whatever renovations they can come up with.
    2. My debt, if that happens would be close to $25,000. It may seem small change to some, but to me, right now in this fucked world, it would ruin me. My credit would tank, I wouldn't be able to rent from anyone, at least reputable. Side note: FUCK GREYSTAR PROPRTIES!
18. I know this seems small change to most, but you're not here. You're not the monster in my head screaming about being almost 50, with nothing accomplished, nothing of worth being owned (except my dog). Failed jobs, failed relationships.
19. I can't imagine this country getting better. Why not end on MY terms rather than wait for Trump's SS to round up the LGBT community, the people with mental health issues... read up on it. It's a fucking scary time to be an American that's not White, Male, Christian or Republican. I refuse to bow.
20. I have no friends. I admit that I probably pushed most away due to me becoming more and more isolated and self-loathing. My best friend of 30 years abandoned me on my 3rd suicide attempt. Telling me I'm selfish, underhanded, shitty friend, and attention whore. Fuck her!
21. I've fallen in love with a guy who is younger. We had fun, sex and things... but I developed feelings, as a human would.... ghosted.
22. I have no joy. I have no worth. I don't even find comfort in things I never thought I would get tired of.
23. I'm even starting to be apathetical to my dog. To my fucking dog. How sick is that? My mom text the other day and I asked her if she could take Annie when I get kicked out. You know what she said, "no. Take her to a rescue". I mean, know her and dad are pushing 80, but they are helping my brother with his giant schnauzer. Annie is a small mini-pinscher/chihuahua. I cant be that angry, but just shocked she said it so... coldly.
24. My life is imploding. I can't keep my head above water. I'm trying to tread water while I have large metal chains pulling me under.
25. Fuck everything. I just... there is nothing anymore.