Venting am i just ungrateful? (rls issue, any advice useful)

[coldkittypaws]

i asked my bf (of almost 2 damn years now btw) why dont i just send him stuff he can buy me (AND i stated it wont be expensive) because he has bought me stuff i dont like & then when i dont put it to use he asks me why i never wear it or other stupid questions.

he bought me this light colored jacket— im not much of a light color person especially not jackets w/o hoods..but i dont mind wearing them occasionally. he also knows i LOVE horizontal stripes & has brought it up multiple times (including once today!) so for him to buy me something like that upsets me a bit. it feels like there was little thought put into it.
then— he bought me perfume. i dont expect men (most atleast) to be good with scented things but i am 100% a fruity smells person & as a matter of fact, i purchased a bath&body strawberry snowflakes body mist at the mall WITH him..but anyway he bought me a perfume that when u put it on clothes smells like cat piss.
cant use it, i REFUSE to walk around smelling like that. but i doubt he sprayed it before purchasing and he definitely didnt spray it on himself so i wont be too upset about that. hes also bought me other stuff that i do appreciate but im tired of him spending money on things i already know i dont want.

its more than just these 2 btw.

and another side note, i've put hella thought into the things i buy him. (ex; he likes kingdomhearts so i bought him a literal sora figure & planned to buy him a kh2 shirt) but now out of spite & anger, i wanna buy bullshit js because & see how he feels.

so anyway, in hopes to try & help with that, i asked what i stated previously & he mentions he's been saving twice. u might as well just say no because i never even asked for u to buy it on the spot lol..
so i think maybe ill js have to be straightforward about it & say when i dont like the stuff he bought until he gets the picture..smh.

 

[sanctionedusage]

buy him bullshit and then buy yourself what he'd actually want lmao

 

[Dejected 55]

People overly complicate things.

We are told that we are supposed to "know" what our friends or partners want and be able to buy them things without having to ask them. IF we ask them what they want they might not be honest and tell us what they actually want OR if they are then they will accuse us of not knowing them like we should. Of course if we don't ask, then take our best guess we are wrong then too.

Mind you, I think to some degree people in relationships should know enough about each other to know what their partner is likely to appreciate. Also, you should be in a position to know what your partner already has OR is planning to buy for him/herself so that you don't duplicate it.

But it's a whole minefield where people are trained from birth to expect gifts and judge how much someone cares about them by the quality and accuracy of the gift given. Long gone are the "it's the thought that counts" notions and it better damn well be the bestest gift ever!

I, for one, would love it if someone who wanted something from me would actually tell me what she wanted so that I'd know for certain I could get something she would appreciate. I grant you that even in my own mind, though, it would take away a bit from what I hope would be my ability to get her something thoughtful on my own... but I'd appreciate her giving me more than clues/hints so in a pinch I could give her something I know she'll want. I think in my case, though, what I would actually do would be... use my own feelings and knowledge of her to buy her something I think she would like, especially if it is a little outside the box, and then only buy something from her list as a backup. I still think she would appreciate a gift I figured out on my own than one she told me she wanted even if she was honest and fair-minded.

The old story, "Gift of the Magi" where the man sells his pocket watch heirloom to be able to afford fancy brushes and haircare stuffs for his wife while his wife, meanwhile, cuts her long flowing hair and sells it to a wigmaker so she can afford to buy her husband a new chain for his watch... tells a story beyond what most people see.

Most people see the obvious narrative of two people so in love with each other that they give up their own prized possessions to buy a thoughtful gift for their partner, and how that intertwines with them each having a gift they cannot use but instead of being disappointed they appreciate the meaning of the love they have for each other.

That's the easy bit.

The thing nobody ever seems to pick up on in the story, though, is... These two people so in love with each other and willing to make sacrifices... they do not communicate with each other to know how they feel. IF they did, they would know that they wouldn't want each other to sacrifice to make them happy... they would know that they love each other without gifts. They would know that instead of those retroactively needless sacrifices, they could have collaborated and done something together that they both would appreciate instead of giving something away they didn't have to in order to buy something that they no longer need.

 

[coldkittypaws]

buy him bullshit and then buy yourself what he'd actually want lmao

then show it off huh lolll

 

[sanctionedusage]

IF we ask them what they want they might not be honest and tell us what they actually want OR if they are then they will accuse us of not knowing them like we should.

unprompted, she literally told him she'd just give him a list of things she would want. hes the one overcomplicating things when she's trying to simplify it.

 

[coldkittypaws]

People overly complicate things.

We are told that we are supposed to "know" what our friends or partners want and be able to buy them things without having to ask them. IF we ask them what they want they might not be honest and tell us what they actually want OR if they are then they will accuse us of not knowing them like we should. Of course if we don't ask, then take our best guess we are wrong then too.

Mind you, I think to some degree people in relationships should know enough about each other to know what their partner is likely to appreciate. Also, you should be in a position to know what your partner already has OR is planning to buy for him/herself so that you don't duplicate it.

But it's a whole minefield where people are trained from birth to expect gifts and judge how much someone cares about them by the quality and accuracy of the gift given. Long gone are the "it's the thought that counts" notions and it better damn well be the bestest gift ever!

I, for one, would love it if someone who wanted something from me would actually tell me what she wanted so that I'd know for certain I could get something she would appreciate. I grant you that even in my own mind, though, it would take away a bit from what I hope would be my ability to get her something thoughtful on my own... but I'd appreciate her giving me more than clues/hints so in a pinch I could give her something I know she'll want. I think in my case, though, what I would actually do would be... use my own feelings and knowledge of her to buy her something I think she would like, especially if it is a little outside the box, and then only buy something from her list as a backup. I still think she would appreciate a gift I figured out on my own than one she told me she wanted even if she was honest and fair-minded.

The old story, "Gift of the Magi" where the man sells his pocket watch heirloom to be able to afford fancy brushes and haircare stuffs for his wife while his wife, meanwhile, cuts her long flowing hair and sells it to a wigmaker so she can afford to buy her husband a new chain for his watch... tells a story beyond what most people see.

Most people see the obvious narrative of two people so in love with each other that they give up their own prized possessions to buy a thoughtful gift for their partner, and how that intertwines with them each having a gift they cannot use but instead of being disappointed they appreciate the meaning of the love they have for each other.

That's the easy bit.

The thing nobody ever seems to pick up on in the story, though, is... These two people so in love with each other and willing to make sacrifices... they do not communicate with each other to know how they feel. IF they did, they would know that they wouldn't want each other to sacrifice to make them happy... they would know that they love each other without gifts. They would know that instead of those retroactively needless sacrifices, they could have collaborated and done something together that they both would appreciate instead of giving something away they didn't have to in order to buy something that they no longer need.

thank you for this i do want him to be able to come up with things in his own mind (and it doesnt even have to be purchased because i adore handmade things) but it does get me a little down when he asks me things like what sanrio characters i like & other things in that nature then turns around & buys me something completely unrelated to what id actually like.

im not entirely unhappy & he does not always get me stuff i dont like.
i do just wish that sometimes i could actually put my input in & he'd just ask me "is there anything you'd want" or something along those lines haha.

thank you again for writing this thoughtful paragraph <33

 

[Dejected 55]

unprompted, she literally told him she'd just give him a list of things she would want. hes the one overcomplicating things when she's trying to simplify it.

Yes... and in my reply I said to that "I, for one, would love it if someone who wanted something from me would actually tell me what she wanted so that I'd know for certain I could get something she would appreciate."

I said many things in my post... but I fully acknowledged that too. I also gave some background on how people in general tend to make things more complicated than they need to be.

 

[sanctionedusage]

Yes... and in my reply I said to that "I, for one, would love it if someone who wanted something from me would actually tell me what she wanted so that I'd know for certain I could get something she would appreciate."

I said many things in my post... but I fully acknowledged that too. I also gave some background on how people in general tend to make things more complicated than they need to be.

oh i assumed the 5k word wall was implying the opposite, sorry

 

[Dejected 55]

thank you for this i do want him to be able to come up with things in his own mind (and it doesnt even have to be purchased because i adore handmade things) but it does get me a little down when he asks me things like what sanrio characters i like & other things in that nature then turns around & buys me something completely unrelated to what id actually like.

im not entirely unhappy & he does not always get me stuff i dont like.
i do just wish that sometimes i could actually put my input in & he'd just ask me "is there anything you'd want" or something along those lines haha.

thank you again for writing this thoughtful paragraph <33

You're welcome. As I said, I'd love it if I had someone telling me things I knew she wanted... and I'd be telling her things I want as well. But at the same time, and as you've echoed, it's also nicer if two people are really paying attention to each other and learn and can improvise. I agree, though, it's really weird if you are specifically saying , "I like that" and then he buys you something completely out of left field that he should have no reason to think would interest you.

 

[violetforever]

and another side note, i've put hella thought into the things i buy him.

oh i figured.

but i doubt he sprayed it before purchasing and he definitely didnt spray it on himself so i wont be too upset about that.

he could have read the bottle or googled the perfume to see if the notes are similar to what you like to wear.

so i think maybe ill js have to be straightforward about it & say when i dont like the stuff he bought until he gets the picture..smh.

just tell him basically everything you wrote here. nothing you said came off as offensive or ungrateful. you would think it would be the other way around lol. him coming to you to ask what you like to avoid wasting money.

 

[haihaihai]

omg felt this!! imagine prepping for over a month putting together a thoughtful Christmas gift tailored to his preferences, likes, and needs, and he gives you ... a kitchen towel. sure what a thoughtful gift, i like baking (like once every few months), bought 1-2 days before christmas. do i feel ungrateful for being upset over this? hell nooooo

you're not ungrateful for not liking a gift, even if there was thought put into it, regardless of the price tag, or anything of that nature. like you stated, you didn't ask for it. like dejected55 said, you can't expect people to know exactly what you want, but i feel like after a year of spending time with someone, you have enough of an idea to not show up with something opposite of their tastes right? nowadays, i feel like successful gift giving is a bit of a 'bare-minimum' in a relationship; you either buy your s/o something you know they'll appreciate, or you don't buy them anything at all. maybe if you tell him more about the things you want and don't like, hopefully he'll eventually get the hint.

 

[SufferingDev]

I think you are not ungrateful - you are just both doing it wrong - talk more, explain more, TALK. F***** MORE.

Communication in relationship is a key and oh believe me I know what I say.

 

[coldkittypaws]

just tell him basically everything you wrote here. nothing you said came off as offensive or ungrateful. you would think it would be the other way around lol. him coming to you to ask what you like to avoid wasting money.

yeah in the end i will definitely talk to him about it because i dont want to keep receiving things that i have to pretend to love

I think you are not ungrateful - you are just both doing it wrong - talk more, explain more, TALK. F***** MORE.

Communication in relationship is a key and oh believe me I know what I say.

it sure is & i definitely need to talk to him about it & not sugarcoat anything & just tell him how i feel & what i suggest! thank u

omg felt this!! imagine prepping for over a month putting together a thoughtful Christmas gift tailored to his preferences, likes, and needs, and he gives you ... a kitchen towel. sure what a thoughtful gift, i like baking (like once every few months), bought 1-2 days before christmas. do i feel ungrateful for being upset over this? hell nooooo

you're not ungrateful for not liking a gift, even if there was thought put into it, regardless of the price tag, or anything of that nature. like you stated, you didn't ask for it. like dejected55 said, you can't expect people to know exactly what you want, but i feel like after a year of spending time with someone, you have enough of an idea to not show up with something opposite of their tastes right? nowadays, i feel like successful gift giving is a bit of a 'bare-minimum' in a relationship; you either buy your s/o something you know they'll appreciate, or you don't buy them anything at all. maybe if you tell him more about the things you want and don't like, hopefully he'll eventually get the hint.

yes!! i think ill just tell him anyway how i feel but its definitely a bit annoying to tell him my interests just to be gifted something the complete opposite.

i do still want some thought into the gifts but theres nothing wrong with me just sending a link and being like "heyy this is really nice hahaaha" (which news flash..i believe ive done this before)