Am I actually suicidal?

[HitBlackVein]

I lately have stopped planning to commit sn, I stopped harming myself (physically), I still want to die but I am not taking this as a plan. I am sometimes pretending to plan my sn, or I hang myself on belt so I can pretend that I am strong and brave. Is this pathetic? Am I a coward? There is no way I could actually die, I have a twin brother and he openly said that he will die as well if I will commit. I think it's humilitating that I need to be on the edge of dying so I could see myself as something worthy. Do I need therapy? What is wrong with me?

 

[AresCohere]

to be honest, it isn't the answer for everyone, for you, maybe getting help and moving on is the right move.

Honestly, I sometimes feel the same, but for me it's my SI being an ass. For you, maybe life has better times in store, and this is its way to keep you going until then.

 

[SilentSadness]

You're probably not a coward, it's certainly not cowardly to want to die or escape this world. Unfortunately, I don't think therapy helps anyone but you can try it if you want. As for whether you're suicidal, that's a question that only you can or should answer, since despite what the pro-lifers think, it's wrong to make decisions about other peoples' lives. I hope you make the right decision.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that all those who want to die count as being suicidal, and only you know what is best for yourself, other people's opinions should never matter as they aren't experiencing existence in the same way.

 

[Not.Flugel]

I lately have stopped planning to commit sn, I stopped harming myself (physically), I still want to die but I am not taking this as a plan. I am sometimes pretending to plan my sn, or I hang myself on belt so I can pretend that I am strong and brave. Is this pathetic? Am I a coward? There is no way I could actually die, I have a twin brother and he openly said that he will die as well if I will commit. I think it's humilitating that I need to be on the edge of dying so I could see myself as something worthy. Do I need therapy? What is wrong with me?

As others have said you need to find it out yourself. Also wanting to live or wanting help, is not "pathetic" or "cowardice". If you don't want to commit suicide, maybe try therapy. Whatever you decide, know that neither of them are a show of weakness.

 

[msocks]

It sounds like you've switched from being actively suicidal to passive suicidal ideation. It doesn't mean you're pathetic or a coward. As others have mentioned you can attempt recovery if you'd like. Therapy can be hit or miss. Depends on the therapist, the type of therapy, and your diagnoses among other factors. No one else can make these decisions but you. Which can be comforting but also scary.

Maybe journaling could help you decide? Sometimes it helps me to throw ALL of my thoughts onto paper. The act of getting those thoughts from my head and onto physical paper can be cathartic. You can always shred or burn it later for privacy if needed. Burning it can be cathartic too though.

 

[CentreMid]

I lately have stopped planning to commit sn, I stopped harming myself (physically), I still want to die but I am not taking this as a plan. I am sometimes pretending to plan my sn, or I hang myself on belt so I can pretend that I am strong and brave. Is this pathetic? Am I a coward? There is no way I could actually die, I have a twin brother and he openly said that he will die as well if I will commit. I think it's humilitating that I need to be on the edge of dying so I could see myself as something worthy. Do I need therapy? What is wrong with me?

I don't think you're a coward. Suicidal ideation is different from person to person, and as frustrating as it is, it's okay to not be fully sure of what you want to do. Whatever you choose, whether it be continuing towards suicide or recovery, we're here to support you and your decisions. Best of luck in whatever you decide.

 

[lostintheloop]

You're not pathetic or a coward. It sounds like you're still thinking about ctb a lot, even if not planning it, so by definition you're still suicidal.

Suicidality isn't a dichotomy (i.e you either are suicidal or you're not) rather it's a spectrum. It ranges from a one off passive thought ( e.g thinking I'd be better off not being here' but never considering acting on it) to intense absolute certainty you want to die, always on your mind and succeeding in ctb. If everyone who had a suicidal thought in their life successfully acted on them, we'd have a much smaller population. Most people sit somewhere in between the 2 ends of the spectrum. And where you are doesn't necessarily correlate with likelihood of dying. For example, someone may die after a one off impulsive thought and another person may be certain they want to die but don't due to circumstances.

But wherever you are on this spectrum, your pain is valid and real. And every place on it is a shit place to be. You deserve support to live or a peaceful way out, depending on what you want.

Nothing is 'wrong' with you, you're clearly struggling with life and that's not your fault. It sounds like you both have reasons to live and reasons to die. It's okay to be unsure . CTB is a huge and (especially with something like SN) likely a permanent decision. It's natural to be unsure. Being suicidal doesn't mean you have to die. Here we believe you should be able to choose to. But equally you can choose recovery. If you're unsure, I can't tell you what to do but I would urge you to take your time to consider what you want. It's okay to take your time. You mention therapy, is that something you haven't tried before ? Some people do manage to live with their suicidal thoughts after therapy and/or medication. It doesn't help everyone and there's a lot of different types out there so can be trial/error. But might be worth a shot ? You've got nothing to lose really. Maybe read others' experiences on the recovery page here ?

I wish you all the best and peace whatever you choose. Your feelings are valid, real and incredibly difficult regardless if you choose to try recovery or choose to ctb.

 

[HitBlackVein]

You're not pathetic or a coward. It sounds like you're still thinking about ctb a lot, even if not planning it, so by definition you're still suicidal.

Suicidality isn't a dichotomy (i.e you either are suicidal or you're not) rather it's a spectrum. It ranges from a one off passive thought ( e.g thinking I'd be better off not being here' but never considering acting on it) to intense absolute certainty you want to die, always on your mind and succeeding in ctb. If everyone who had a suicidal thought in their life successfully acted on them, we'd have a much smaller population. Most people sit somewhere in between the 2 ends of the spectrum. And where you are doesn't necessarily correlate with likelihood of dying. For example, someone may die after a one off impulsive thought and another person may be certain they want to die but don't due to circumstances.

But wherever you are on this spectrum, your pain is valid and real. And every place on it is a shit place to be. You deserve support to live or a peaceful way out, depending on what you want.

Nothing is 'wrong' with you, you're clearly struggling with life and that's not your fault. It sounds like you both have reasons to live and reasons to die. It's okay to be unsure . CTB is a huge and (especially with something like SN) likely a permanent decision. It's natural to be unsure. Being suicidal doesn't mean you have to die. Here we believe you should be able to choose to. But equally you can choose recovery. If you're unsure, I can't tell you what to do but I would urge you to take your time to consider what you want. It's okay to take your time. You mention therapy, is that something you haven't tried before ? Some people do manage to live with their suicidal thoughts after therapy and/or medication. It doesn't help everyone and there's a lot of different types out there so can be trial/error. But might be worth a shot ? You've got nothing to lose really. Maybe read others' experiences on the recovery page here ?

I wish you all the best and peace whatever you choose. Your feelings are valid, real and incredibly difficult regardless if you choose to try recovery or choose to ctb.

I'm sorry but what do you mean by saying that I don't have anything to lose?

As others have said you need to find it out yourself. Also wanting to live or wanting help, is not "pathetic" or "cowardice". If you don't want to commit suicide, maybe try therapy. Whatever you decide, know that neither of them are a show of weakness.

That's the point, I don't want therapy

 

[SoftWorries]

It isn't strong or brave to die. It isn't strong or brave not to.

Staying alive or dying both take effort and some courage. You don't win any prizes for dying. Death isn't very posh or cool even if it's glamorized. The dead aren't even around to see it.

You say you need to be on the edge of dying to view yourself as someone worthy. You're worthy of every comfort just from the difficulty of being a human. Despite the fact that it's difficult to make people understand the extent of your suffering without a metaphorical gun to your head doesn't mean it's not there.

You're worthy of whatever you want. Death doesn't make you worthy it just makes you dead.

Even if your current suicidal behavior was somewhat performative (as per your question) who are you performing for? Yourself? I think you should give yourself comfort without a literal noose on your neck

There isn't any human born without deserving to be free of suffering. Your worthiness is your birth right not something you earn or that can be taken away

 

[Not.Flugel]

I'm sorry but what do you mean by saying that I don't have anything to lose?

That's the point, I don't want therapy

If you don't want therapy, maybe you want to check out the other recovery resources of this site?
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/recovery-and-crisis-resources.20652/
Scroll down until the spoiler part.

 

[HitBlackVein]

You're not pathetic or a coward. It sounds like you're still thinking about ctb a lot, even if not planning it, so by definition you're still suicidal.

Suicidality isn't a dichotomy (i.e you either are suicidal or you're not) rather it's a spectrum. It ranges from a one off passive thought ( e.g thinking I'd be better off not being here' but never considering acting on it) to intense absolute certainty you want to die, always on your mind and succeeding in ctb. If everyone who had a suicidal thought in their life successfully acted on them, we'd have a much smaller population. Most people sit somewhere in between the 2 ends of the spectrum. And where you are doesn't necessarily correlate with likelihood of dying. For example, someone may die after a one off impulsive thought and another person may be certain they want to die but don't due to circumstances.

But wherever you are on this spectrum, your pain is valid and real. And every place on it is a shit place to be. You deserve support to live or a peaceful way out, depending on what you want.

Nothing is 'wrong' with you, you're clearly struggling with life and that's not your fault. It sounds like you both have reasons to live and reasons to die. It's okay to be unsure . CTB is a huge and (especially with something like SN) likely a permanent decision. It's natural to be unsure. Being suicidal doesn't mean you have to die. Here we believe you should be able to choose to. But equally you can choose recovery. If you're unsure, I can't tell you what to do but I would urge you to take your time to consider what you want. It's okay to take your time. You mention therapy, is that something you haven't tried before ? Some people do manage to live with their suicidal thoughts after therapy and/or medication. It doesn't help everyone and there's a lot of different types out there so can be trial/error. But might be worth a shot ? You've got nothing to lose really. Maybe read others' experiences on the recovery page here ?

I wish you all the best and peace whatever you choose. Your feelings are valid, real and incredibly difficult regardless if you choose to try recovery or choose to ctb.

I also did try therapy, I was in mental hospital, on meds etc everything worked for a while and then the reality hit again, maybe I am just not suitable to be happy

 

[lostintheloop]

I also did try therapy, I was in mental hospital, on meds etc everything worked for a while and then the reality hit again, maybe I am just not suitable to be happy

By nothing to lose I just meant if you've already hit rock bottom then trying something else can't make it much worse ? If you're gonna ctb at some point, i guess giving things one more chance first can't hurt ? Especially if it helped for a bit before, maybe it could help again, different therapy/med may work longer.

I do know it's not as simple as that though. I've tried therapy, meds, hospital too and given up on anything working. I know there's a lot more out there i could try but i'm so damn tired and like you just think maybe I'm not meant to be happy or alive. I'm sure you've already tried really hard at getting better so I do appreciate it's not just 'choose recovery' and that's it .

 

[HitBlackVein]

By nothing to lose I just meant if you've already hit rock bottom then trying something else can't make it much worse ? If you're gonna ctb at some point, i guess giving things one more chance first can't hurt ? Especially if it helped for a bit before, maybe it could help again, different therapy/med may work longer.

I do know it's not as simple as that though. I've tried therapy, meds, hospital too and given up on anything working. I know there's a lot more out there i could try but i'm so damn tired and like you just think maybe I'm not meant to be happy or alive. I'm sure you've already tried really hard at getting better so I do appreciate it's not just 'choose recovery' and that's it .

It's nice to see that you understand me, and that you don't expect me to get help or even live. Thank you