SolomonKado
This is taking too long…
- Jul 4, 2023
- 424
This is partly venting and also a question if anyone else has gone through or going through this? What have you done over the years or even now to deal the best you could?
A bunch of memories that came from my days as a full blown alcoholic and also the fights with myself before the drinking kicked in…
It's like I was only along for the ride. The messed up, disgusting, horrible, painful ride.. I didn't feel in control of myself during those 10-11 years. I would always tell myself something was wrong and I should be better then that. Just to do it anyways. Leaving me with another painful memory. It's like something took over and tried to ruin any good I've done in my life. Trying to contain or control it seemed to make it worse. I still kept trying so hard to veer to the good though. I did some amazing things for people. Leaving them with amazing memories.
A person shouldn't have a darkness that just leaks out from time to time. Ruining them. No matter if I strongly believed that I just wanted to do good things and help people with anything they needed. It still would get the better of me. I understand the "take responsibility for your actions" mantra, but what if no matter how strong you fought to do good with every passing moment…you'd still lose. Something I'd have to try and fight with therapy and psych pills.
Then there's the feelings of when you're driving to work and you just want to veer off and crash even with others in the vehicle. Killing yourself and possibly others. Even other feelings where you want to hurt someone irrevocably because of something they said or did. Especially people who used being a leader as a weapon. These feelings that you wouldn't normally do because of what you believe in. I never hurt anyone physically thankfully, but can't say the same mentally. I was too afraid if I hurt someone physically then I wouldn't stop…
As time passed while drinking over the years I would become louder about my suffering. A little less during the hours before I started to drink again thankfully. Like I just wanted someone to save me from this hell. I kept telling myself "things will get better with time," but no matter the amount of time that passed it gets worse. Adding more horrible and painful memories to torment me. I fear if I stay here I'd have to lock myself away so I didn't effect anyone else. How is that or any of this living?! Chronic pain doesn't help things at all either
A bunch of memories that came from my days as a full blown alcoholic and also the fights with myself before the drinking kicked in…
It's like I was only along for the ride. The messed up, disgusting, horrible, painful ride.. I didn't feel in control of myself during those 10-11 years. I would always tell myself something was wrong and I should be better then that. Just to do it anyways. Leaving me with another painful memory. It's like something took over and tried to ruin any good I've done in my life. Trying to contain or control it seemed to make it worse. I still kept trying so hard to veer to the good though. I did some amazing things for people. Leaving them with amazing memories.
A person shouldn't have a darkness that just leaks out from time to time. Ruining them. No matter if I strongly believed that I just wanted to do good things and help people with anything they needed. It still would get the better of me. I understand the "take responsibility for your actions" mantra, but what if no matter how strong you fought to do good with every passing moment…you'd still lose. Something I'd have to try and fight with therapy and psych pills.
Then there's the feelings of when you're driving to work and you just want to veer off and crash even with others in the vehicle. Killing yourself and possibly others. Even other feelings where you want to hurt someone irrevocably because of something they said or did. Especially people who used being a leader as a weapon. These feelings that you wouldn't normally do because of what you believe in. I never hurt anyone physically thankfully, but can't say the same mentally. I was too afraid if I hurt someone physically then I wouldn't stop…
As time passed while drinking over the years I would become louder about my suffering. A little less during the hours before I started to drink again thankfully. Like I just wanted someone to save me from this hell. I kept telling myself "things will get better with time," but no matter the amount of time that passed it gets worse. Adding more horrible and painful memories to torment me. I fear if I stay here I'd have to lock myself away so I didn't effect anyone else. How is that or any of this living?! Chronic pain doesn't help things at all either
