alltoomuch2's diary/vent thread

[alltoomuch2]

I feel like I'm living behind a glass wall,
Watching the world but not part of it at all.
Every word I speak feels like a mistake,
Like I'm poison to others, a burden to take.
I try to connect, but I make people frown—
It feels like I'm dragging everyone down.
I see it in their eyes, the way they turn away,
Like I'm a shadow that darkens their day.
I'm different, I'm wrong, I don't fit the mold,
An outsider looking in, always left in the cold.
There's something about me that people despise,
I see the discomfort when they look in my eyes.
I am unwanted, unloved for who I am,
A broken reflection, a shattered woman.
I try to change, but it's never enough—
I am ugly, fat, boring, made of all the wrong stuff.
I carry this weight, this loathing, this pain,
A constant reminder that I am to blame.
I wish I could find some purpose, some light,
But all I see is darkness, and endless night.
I hate myself for each word I say,
For every awkward, misplaced display.
I want to be different, to somehow be free—
But I'm trapped in this skin that doesn't feel like me.
I'm tired of this feeling, of being alone,
Of living in a world where I'm never known.
But here I remain, unseen and unheard—
A lost voice, a forgotten word.

But this morning:.....
Ok. I have some motivation today. I'm gonna make a start on decluttering and cleaning up the house because I know living in a dirty mess makes me feel worse. MH worker tomorrow which I always look forward to because he's teaching me some brilliant coping techniques (DBT based). I need to make the most of this mood because it's rare and it'll be gone later (I'm BPD).

 

[sugarb]

I think it's cool that people are making diary threads, I've always wanted to be able to pick people's brains lol. Also, I like the first two lines of this especially ^^

 

[alltoomuch2]

I think it's cool that people are making diary threads, I've always wanted to be able to pick people's brains lol. Also, I like the first two lines of this especially ^^

thank you sugarb.

 

[alltoomuch2]

I feel like I'm living behind a glass wall,
Watching the world but not part of it at all.
Every word I speak feels like a mistake,
Like I'm poison to others, a burden to take.
I try to connect, but I make people frown—
It feels like I'm dragging everyone down.
I see it in their eyes, the way they turn away,
Like I'm a shadow that darkens their day.
I'm different, I'm wrong, I don't fit the mold,
An outsider looking in, always left in the cold.
There's something about me that people despise,
I see the discomfort when they look in my eyes.
I am unwanted, unloved for who I am,
A broken reflection, a shattered woman.
I try to change, but it's never enough—
I am ugly, fat, boring, made of all the wrong stuff.
I carry this weight, this loathing, this pain,
A constant reminder that I am to blame.
I wish I could find some purpose, some light,
But all I see is darkness, and endless night.
I hate myself for each word I say,
For every awkward, misplaced display.
I want to be different, to somehow be free—
But I'm trapped in this skin that doesn't feel like me.
I'm tired of this feeling, of being alone,
Of living in a world where I'm never known.
But here I remain, unseen and unheard—
A lost voice, a forgotten word.

But this morning:.....
Ok. I have some motivation today. I'm gonna make a start on decluttering and cleaning up the house because I know living in a dirty mess makes me feel worse. MH worker tomorrow which I always look forward to because he's teaching me some brilliant coping techniques (DBT based). I need to make the most of this mood because it's rare and it'll be gone later (I'm BPD).

Well it didn't go well with MH worker. Why do people insist that you're not universally hated and the ugliest nastiest person on this earth. Someone always will be just like someone will always be the smartest prettiest kindest people. Ridiculous to think anything else. Anyway, we still didn't finish the lesson we started last time because we hit my trigger of me being a shit person but I'm not allowed to say that and I have to radically accept it isn't fact (but it is). We ended up having a conversation about whether death matters and does life have a purpose while I wiped tears and snot all over my face.
The following week I had my very long awaited appointment with the psychiatrist. But from the start it wasn't going to go well. I'm in my 60s now and suffered multiple different traumas thru my life, including one very serious one that I was warned by a crisis team psychiatrist not to delve into in case I retraumatise myself. But all of these traumas and all of my fears and hangups are all in my copious notes so I know I won't be asked to talk about it again. Except - die to something unexpected apparently, the psychiatrist hasn't had time to read any of my notes and my mental health worker can't accompany me like he said he should. The doctor asks me a few questions ten confirms what had been suspected, I have BPD. He asks about how I find social events and obviously has no idea I'm autistic and haven't been to a social event for years. Then I ask him if he thinks I have c-ptsd. If he'd read my notes he'd know that I don't remember most of my times of overwhelm and normally write them down or at least prepare beforehand. So any flashbacks, crisis and what was going on when those occur are in my notes that he hadn't read. Also in my notes is not to ask me about the most severe trauma. So when I ask him if I have c-ptsd he comes right out and asks me what the traumatic incident was - well there were many, but I end up having to tell him about the really bad one because I forgot I shouldn't. Then he asks if I have many flashbacks and I say no, when actually they happen whenever I'm exposed to the trigger and at other times too. He asks if they interfere with my daily life and I say no, but actually they ended my career. I'm feeling by this time that I'm wasting his time because I know I'm probably giving incorrect answers even though I'm doing my best, and he seems bored by the whole thing. I'm not feeling particularly traumatised, just frustrated and confused that him not reading my notes and not having my MH worker with me has meant the appointment with the psychiatrist was wasted after waiting so long for it. That evening I had a horrible flashback lasting 20 minutes or more, severe enough for me not to know where I was when I started coming out of it. Then had more flashbacks the next day. Wish I'd never gone to the appointment now.

Well it didn't go well with MH worker. Why do people insist that you're not universally hated and the ugliest nastiest person on this earth. Someone always will be just like someone will always be the smartest prettiest kindest people. Ridiculous to think anything else. Anyway, we still didn't finish the lesson we started last time because we hit my trigger of me being a shit person but I'm not allowed to say that and I have to radically accept it isn't fact (but it is). We ended up having a conversation about whether death matters and does life have a purpose while I wiped tears and snot all over my face.
The following week I had my very long awaited appointment with the psychiatrist. But from the start it wasn't going to go well. I'm in my 60s now and suffered multiple different traumas thru my life, including one very serious one that I was warned by a crisis team psychiatrist not to delve into in case I retraumatise myself. But all of these traumas and all of my fears and hangups are all in my copious notes so I know I won't be asked to talk about it again. Except - die to something unexpected apparently, the psychiatrist hasn't had time to read any of my notes and my mental health worker can't accompany me like he said he should. The doctor asks me a few questions ten confirms what had been suspected, I have BPD. He asks about how I find social events and obviously has no idea I'm autistic and haven't been to a social event for years. Then I ask him if he thinks I have c-ptsd. If he'd read my notes he'd know that I don't remember most of my times of overwhelm and normally write them down or at least prepare beforehand. So any flashbacks, crisis and what was going on when those occur are in my notes that he hadn't read. Also in my notes is not to ask me about the most severe trauma. So when I ask him if I have c-ptsd he comes right out and asks me what the traumatic incident was - well there were many, but I end up having to tell him about the really bad one because I forgot I shouldn't. Then he asks if I have many flashbacks and I say no, when actually they happen whenever I'm exposed to the trigger and at other times too. He asks if they interfere with my daily life and I say no, but actually they ended my career. I'm feeling by this time that I'm wasting his time because I know I'm probably giving incorrect answers even though I'm doing my best, and he seems bored by the whole thing. I'm not feeling particularly traumatised, just frustrated and confused that him not reading my notes and not having my MH worker with me has meant the appointment with the psychiatrist was wasted after waiting so long for it. That evening I had a horrible flashback lasting 20 minutes or more, severe enough for me not to know where I was when I started coming out of it. Then had more flashbacks the next day. Wish I'd never gone to the appointment now.

I phoned my MH worker when I was going home after the appointment and he said he'll update the psychiatrist with the facts. Now for days I've been having the BPD thing of mood swings between rage, depression, anxiety, euphoria with a continuous undercurrent of what a selfish, overdramatic, fat, ugly, nasty person I am, that no one likes, and is wasting MH services time and they know it but they've been told they have to see me. No one has contacted me for ages, not family or people I know (I have no friends). When I message them they just do a quick emoji or a couple of words then gone. And I'm raging about that but at the same time pleased because I don't have to worry about them being too upset when I ctb. Right now I feel like I want to discharge myself from MH services so they don't get in trouble then ctb, but my moods change so quickly I've set a reminder in my phone for tomorrow to see if I still want to do that.

Well it didn't go well with MH worker. Why do people insist that you're not universally hated and the ugliest nastiest person on this earth. Someone always will be just like someone will always be the smartest prettiest kindest people. Ridiculous to think anything else. Anyway, we still didn't finish the lesson we started last time because we hit my trigger of me being a shit person but I'm not allowed to say that and I have to radically accept it isn't fact (but it is). We ended up having a conversation about whether death matters and does life have a purpose while I wiped tears and snot all over my face.
The following week I had my very long awaited appointment with the psychiatrist. But from the start it wasn't going to go well. I'm in my 60s now and suffered multiple different traumas thru my life, including one very serious one that I was warned by a crisis team psychiatrist not to delve into in case I retraumatise myself. But all of these traumas and all of my fears and hangups are all in my copious notes so I know I won't be asked to talk about it again. Except - die to something unexpected apparently, the psychiatrist hasn't had time to read any of my notes and my mental health worker can't accompany me like he said he should. The doctor asks me a few questions ten confirms what had been suspected, I have BPD. He asks about how I find social events and obviously has no idea I'm autistic and haven't been to a social event for years. Then I ask him if he thinks I have c-ptsd. If he'd read my notes he'd know that I don't remember most of my times of overwhelm and normally write them down or at least prepare beforehand. So any flashbacks, crisis and what was going on when those occur are in my notes that he hadn't read. Also in my notes is not to ask me about the most severe trauma. So when I ask him if I have c-ptsd he comes right out and asks me what the traumatic incident was - well there were many, but I end up having to tell him about the really bad one because I forgot I shouldn't. Then he asks if I have many flashbacks and I say no, when actually they happen whenever I'm exposed to the trigger and at other times too. He asks if they interfere with my daily life and I say no, but actually they ended my career. I'm feeling by this time that I'm wasting his time because I know I'm probably giving incorrect answers even though I'm doing my best, and he seems bored by the whole thing. I'm not feeling particularly traumatised, just frustrated and confused that him not reading my notes and not having my MH worker with me has meant the appointment with the psychiatrist was wasted after waiting so long for it. That evening I had a horrible flashback lasting 20 minutes or more, severe enough for me not to know where I was when I started coming out of it. Then had more flashbacks the next day. Wish I'd never gone to the appointment now.

I phoned my MH worker when I was going home after the appointment and he said he'll update the psychiatrist with the facts. Now for days I've been having the BPD thing of mood swings between rage, depression, anxiety, euphoria with a continuous undercurrent of what a selfish, overdramatic, fat, ugly, nasty person I am, that no one likes, and is wasting MH services time and they know it but they've been told they have to see me. No one has contacted me for ages, not family or people I know (I have no friends). When I message them they just do a quick emoji or a couple of words then gone. And I'm raging about that but at the same time pleased because I don't have to worry about them being too upset when I ctb. Right now I feel like I want to discharge myself from MH services so they don't get in trouble then ctb, but my moods change so quickly I've set a reminder in my phone for tomorrow to see if I still want to do that.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Just feeling nothing today. Woke at 3am so tired and headachy. Decided to continue trying with therapy but be more guarded and don't assume MH services are always a safe space. Gonna do a "death declutter" of the house, weed wack the whole garden so it looks neater, remove all unnecessary activities and obligations from my life. Maybe not all today tho. Gotta make a serious attempt to stop binge eating. I'm continuing to build a library of depressing and angry Instagram videos so that when./if I do decide to ctb I can watch them for a while before, to reduce SI. Still frustrated about the psychiatrist. It was the first thing I thought of when I woke to this morning. The burn on my arm is a bit sore today.
Still no ones been in touch or contacted me in any way. Not surprised since I'm a depressing drama queen wallowing in self pity, who drags everyone down. I feel so different and isolated and want to be part of things, but then I see their "socialising" and that seems just so pointless and I can't understand how it works. So shall continue to be an antisocial hermit

 

[alltoomuch2]

I was feeling ok today. Even got some jobs done. Then I picked up my phone and a news headline popped up about nhs waiting lists causing the numbers of people not working and on sick leave. So far not too bad. That agrees with my own opinion. But then I had to read the comments. Why did I do that? It's always the same. People coming on there pronouncing that mental health problems are imagined by the feckless and work shy and aided in this by gps handing out sick notes to anyone and everyone. People saying that after 3 months of being off sick you should be forced to work unless you were terminally ill. So much stigma and accusations. Even when I started my sick leave from work, because I really couldn't carry on any more, not one work colleague checked on me, asked how I was doing. Yet if anyone else was off ill, I'd see them thanking everyone for the get well cards and presents. I've worked continuously and worked hard since I was 18. But suddenly, after over 40 years of work, I'm a shitty malingerer who is "over-medicalising the normal problems of everyday life" (to quote the previous government). And now I feel shamed, worthless, despairing, hopeless and universally hated by all. And I'm trying so hard to get well and go back to work but I'm too unwell. I can't cope with the smallest of things. Every day I want to ctb but I keep struggling on, just to get kicked thoroughly until I'm back where I started. Hated, despised, ridiculed, for something I can't help. When will this end for god's sake? I don't even have any alcohol in the house and I've already got a big burn mark I've got to hide next week when I see my mh worker. I'm trying not to spiral. I'm trying to use my DBT. But it is so hard sometimes. If I was the person they were saying I was, I'd just ctb and sod the effect of that on anyone else. I feel so judged and there's nothing I can do. Think I'll just hit myself in the head for a while. That sometimes works. Or partial strangulation til I nearly black out. And maybe one time I'll make a mistake doing that and it'll be done.

 

[alltoomuch2]

I was feeling ok today. Even got some jobs done. Then I picked up my phone and a news headline popped up about nhs waiting lists causing the numbers of people not working and on sick leave. So far not too bad. That agrees with my own opinion. But then I had to read the comments. Why did I do that? It's always the same. People coming on there pronouncing that mental health problems are imagined by the feckless and work shy and aided in this by gps handing out sick notes to anyone and everyone. People saying that after 3 months of being off sick you should be forced to work unless you were terminally ill. So much stigma and accusations. Even when I started my sick leave from work, because I really couldn't carry on any more, not one work colleague checked on me, asked how I was doing. Yet if anyone else was off ill, I'd see them thanking everyone for the get well cards and presents. I've worked continuously and worked hard since I was 18. But suddenly, after over 40 years of work, I'm a shitty malingerer who is "over-medicalising the normal problems of everyday life" (to quote the previous government). And now I feel shamed, worthless, despairing, hopeless and universally hated by all. And I'm trying so hard to get well and go back to work but I'm too unwell. I can't cope with the smallest of things. Every day I want to ctb but I keep struggling on, just to get kicked thoroughly until I'm back where I started. Hated, despised, ridiculed, for something I can't help. When will this end for god's sake? I don't even have any alcohol in the house and I've already got a big burn mark I've got to hide next week when I see my mh worker. I'm trying not to spiral. I'm trying to use my DBT. But it is so hard sometimes. If I was the person they were saying I was, I'd just ctb and sod the effect of that on anyone else. I feel so judged and there's nothing I can do. Think I'll just hit myself in the head for a while. That sometimes works. Or partial strangulation til I nearly black out. And maybe one time I'll make a mistake doing that and it'll be done.

After that slight setback with the comments on the news I decided, instead of meditation like I was going to do to get through it, I would try "opposite emotion". Put my noise cancelling headphones on to block out the world and listened to upbeat higher energy music on high volume and did some work in the garden. The neighbours probably heard me singing loudly and out of tune (it was that sort of music, Scissor Sisters etc, and I couldn't hear myself cos of the headphones) but I ended up back in my good mood. Then watched an easy trashy film (Goosebumps) which passed the time nicely. Honestly I think today has been one of my best days for a very long time. And maybe I'll have to take my thread to the Recovery section if this continues. But with BPD, who knows?....

 

[alltoomuch2]

After that slight setback with the comments on the news I decided, instead of meditation like I was going to do to get through it, I would try "opposite emotion". Put my noise cancelling headphones on to block out the world and listened to upbeat higher energy music on high volume and did some work in the garden. The neighbours probably heard me singing loudly and out of tune (it was that sort of music, Scissor Sisters etc, and I couldn't hear myself cos of the headphones) but I ended up back in my good mood. Then watched an easy trashy film (Goosebumps) which passed the time nicely. Honestly I think today has been one of my best days for a very long time. And maybe I'll have to take my thread to the Recovery section if this continues. But with BPD, who knows?..

That last post was about yesterday. And yes, it was one of the best days I've had for a very long time. This morning I woke up still feeling good. Continued in a meh or good mood until this afternoon.
I'm going through the threads of some people I care about Sasu, when I come across someone (@brokeandbroken) telling a vulnerable person that the mental health services don't care about anyone and are all abusers and on the make. The person they were telling this to has been unbelievably brave and considerate for the wellbeing of others, and persistence in trying to get help from mental health services to deal with their serious problems, and they succeeded (which if you know the state of mental health services in the UK, is amazing because they are so underfunded. This is the same person who has said similar things about all doctors and nurses. That they are arrogant. Don't care. All about the money. When I pointed out some weeks ago that my deceased father was a doctor and was extremely caring, so much so that he became overloaded with work, ended up becoming an alcoholic and attempted ctb numerous times including stabbing himself in the heart, until he finally succeeded, this horrible toxic person then said "if he was such an amazing person why are you on here? He can't have been great."
Now he's at it again with his toxic comments and trying to sabotage people's recovery. I'm crying now over the things he has said (@brokeandbroken) and I was feeling ok this morning, so he's sabotaging my recovery as well.
Sasu is usually a wonderful community and so supportive, but I can't compromise any chance of my recovery just so some c**t can insult my father and the mental health workers who've helped me so much.
So I'll probably go on the recovery and sanctuary sections for a while, or even just have a rest from Sasu in the hope that @brokeandbroken moves on in any way they want, but away from here.
So if I'm not posting, I'm probably not dead. I just don't want to feel like this when I was feeling ok, just because someone has a chip on their shoulder that's nothing to do with any of us, any mental health workers, or medical staff in general.

 

[brokeandbroken]

That last post was about yesterday. And yes, it was one of the best days I've had for a very long time. This morning I woke up still feeling good. Continued in a meh or good mood until this afternoon.
I'm going through the threads of some people I care about Sasu, when I come across someone (@brokeandbroken) telling a vulnerable person that the mental health services don't care about anyone and are all abusers and on the make. The person they were telling this to has been unbelievably brave and considerate for the wellbeing of others, and persistence in trying to get help from mental health services to deal with their serious problems, and they succeeded (which if you know the state of mental health services in the UK, is amazing because they are so underfunded. This is the same person who has said similar things about all doctors and nurses. That they are arrogant. Don't care. All about the money. When I pointed out some weeks ago that my deceased father was a doctor and was extremely caring, so much so that he became overloaded with work, ended up becoming an alcoholic and attempted ctb numerous times including stabbing himself in the heart, until he finally succeeded, this horrible toxic person then said "if he was such an amazing person why are you on here? He can't have been great."
Now he's at it again with his toxic comments and trying to sabotage people's recovery. I'm crying now over the things he has said (@brokeandbroken) and I was feeling ok this morning, so he's sabotaging my recovery as well.
Sasu is usually a wonderful community and so supportive, but I can't compromise any chance of my recovery just so some c**t can insult my father and the mental health workers who've helped me so much.
So I'll probably go on the recovery and sanctuary sections for a while, or even just have a rest from Sasu in the hope that @brokeandbroken moves on in any way they want, but away from here.
So if I'm not posting, I'm probably not dead. I just don't want to feel like this when I was feeling ok, just because someone has a chip on their shoulder that's nothing to do with any of us, any mental health workers, or medical staff in general.

I said there's a problem. I said they act a certain way. And I provided cold hard evidence to back it up. 4,000 rapes and sexual assaults a year. In a country with 85,000. All occurring under 24/7 supervision all with multiple people present and all with extensive video monitoring. Meaning every single of those 4,000 had the perpetrator and had people just not giving a shit. Likely watching as they are screaming in pain or getting raped. How can a human do that? That's sick. And you are defending it! How is 1 rape possible? Literally? I'm not out raping and sexually assaulting people. But somehow your love for these people has blinded you to the cold hard reality that their are some monsters in the psych wards and they aren't the patients. Are there some good ones. Yeah sure not common enough. I'm saying I have experience, I know them, I've been around them, and they aren't doing a good enough job. Those numbers are the tip of the iceberg because of those that are happening.... Explain to me how people are getting better. I simply want my professionals to do their damn job and I want people to stop getting raped when they are beyond vulnerable. Stop making excuses for monsters and how about inspire actual change to rid of these monsters. Maybe make the ward a place of healing then whatever the hell it is today. Yet I sit hear you defend them as they are hearing the screams and wails of someone getting raped and they do nothing. Saying it is a "dangerous" place. Blaming people for being raped because they are mentally ill or some mental health version of they wanted it. Nah get out of here with that. No rape is okay. I'm not a monster and I'm not vile rape is.

 

[timetodie24]

I said there's a problem. I said they act a certain way. And I provided cold hard evidence to back it up. 4,000 rapes and sexual assaults a year. In a country with 85,000. All occurring under 24/7 supervision all with multiple people present and all with extensive video monitoring. Meaning every single of those 4,000 had the perpetrator and had people just not giving a shit. Likely watching as they are screaming in pain or getting raped. How can a human do that? That's sick. And you are defending it! How is 1 rape possible? Literally? I'm not out raping and sexually assaulting people. But somehow your love for these people has blinded you to the cold hard reality that their are some monsters in the psych wards and they aren't the patients. Are there some good ones. Yeah sure not common enough. I'm saying I have experience, I know them, I've been around them, and they aren't doing a good enough job. Those numbers are the tip of the iceberg because of those that are happening.... Explain to me how people are getting better. I simply want my professionals to do their damn job and I want people to stop getting raped when they are beyond vulnerable. Stop making excuses for monsters and how about inspire actual change to rid of these monsters. Maybe make the ward a place of healing then whatever the hell it is today. Yet I sit hear you defend them as they are hearing the screams and wails of someone getting raped and they do nothing. Saying it is a "dangerous" place. Blaming people for being raped because they are mentally ill or some mental health version of they wanted it. Nah get out of here with that. No rape is okay. I'm not a monster and I'm not vile rape is.

Do you have any reading comprehension. Nowhere did they defend rape or blame the victims . Yes there are atrocities on many wards, yes there are staff who are rapists and they are criminals and deserve punishment. But that doesn't mean every mental health professional is one . You were saying that every medical professional is in it for power and/or money . That they are all bad or evil. Which just simply isn't truth .
Yes some horrific things, like abuse and rape, happen in psych wards . yes people are abused and neglected by mental health services. And there is absolutely 0 excuse . Op agrees with that.
However, as they pointed out , it is also true that there are many caring professionals out there who change and save lives. Both co-exist, both are true, op is not denying that . They were simply explaining that the latter is also true when earlier you were denying that good professionals exist or that they are needed.

And there was no excuse for you to make accusations about OPs family either, that's just cruel and abusive.

And i think it's best you leave it there. This argument isn't constructive. We all agree sexual assault and abuse are bad. something really needs to change in healthcare system but arguing here isn't going to do that.
alltoomuch has made it clear they want to focus on trying recovery, so lets respect that.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Do you have any reading comprehension. Nowhere did they defend rape or blame the victims . Yes there are atrocities on many wards, yes there are staff who are rapists and they are criminals and deserve punishment. But that doesn't mean every mental health professional is one . You were saying that every medical professional is in it for power and/or money . That they are all bad or evil. Which just simply isn't truth .
Yes some horrific things, like abuse and rape, happen in psych wards . yes people are abused and neglected by mental health services. And there is absolutely 0 excuse . Op agrees with that.
However, as they pointed out , it is also true that there are many caring professionals out there who change and save lives. Both co-exist, both are true, op is not denying that . They were simply explaining that the latter is also true when earlier you were denying that good professionals exist or that they are needed.

And there was no excuse for you to make accusations about OPs family either, that's just cruel and abusive.

And i think it's best you leave it there. This argument isn't constructive. We all agree sexual assault and abuse are bad. something really needs to change in healthcare system but arguing here isn't going to do that.
alltoomuch has made it clear they want to focus on trying recovery, so lets respect that.

I said psych ward nurses are in it for the power. I never said it about proctologists for example. And then said this is what's happening. Most rapes are about power and control rather than just outright horniness. Ergo me saying power trips which in my experience is true + numbers/evidence to back it up. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it is a duck. People are drawn to different things for different reasons. Same in medicine the draws for oncology is different then proctology is different then psych. As you've pointed out the psych ward is a dangerous place. So what draws someone to that. Maybe someone does want to help and is kind caring all sorts of empathetic. Or unfortunately more commonly it's about power. Taking extremely vulnerable people who need and seeking help before then squashing them like bugs because they hate themselves and their lives. Who knows maybe someone took the power from them at some point and this is their retribution.

Sorry you don't get to 1 in 7 and 4000 a year without an insane amount of laziness, extreme need for power/control, and a complete failure of everything. So yeah they need to do better. I've simply said this is the archetype for psychward nurses. I've said this is my experience on the ward. I've said I've been up close in personal with hundreds of not thousands of (future) doctors/nurses as an employee, as colleague, and as a patient. I know what they are as human beings, I know how they act, I know what they fucking smell like. And it smells like shit. Maybe I'm jaded or over my skis. But I don't think so. People don't change and most of them shouldn't be taking care of a pet rock let alone a person. Just because they have a lab coat doesn't make them a good person. They have to prove it everyday they step into the hospital, the classroom, and every day they step into the ward. Every day starts at 0. They need to prove it all over again. I haven't seen the proof needed they are good kind and decent people as a generality. I've seen the opposite and the numbers flesh it out.