Hey, this is my first time posting here so i think i introduce myself at first.
So i am 23years old a trans woman(passing) and pretty much self destructive, i am diagnosed with borderline, ptsd and sometimes autism.
So now to the subject why i am here, in the last year and a bit of the year before.
I tried overdosing, stop eating/drinking, strangulation and some whitch i myself dont see as attamps because i stopped myself or got help by myself.
First i start with the stop drinking/eating whitch is my favourite methods whitch i tryd 4 times currently doing it for the 5 time.
1-during the first attampt I lasted 9days without drinking and eating and it is by far the time where my body was close to giving up.
Constantly lost consciousness, couldn't even walk to my house door without a break and even sitting felt like sport.
The doctors in the hospital sayd that they dont think that I would have survived 1 more day.
2- i only lasted 4days but this time i consumed lots of salt to lose water whitch definitely worked but was pretty uncomfortable because of the salt poisoning, diarrhea and puking
3-this time i lasted 8 or 9 days and i felt pretty normal, only different was that I couldn't think clearly and was relatively fast out of breath
4- this time i survived full 12days without eating and drinking and still felt relatively ok accepte again losing consciousness and fast out of breath but nerly as bad as on the first try.
So it is obviously a lie that you can only last 3 days without water or i am not human.
Worst part is that i feel like that my body gets used to it.
My problem is that i have many friends whitch notice when i stop drinking whitch was in 3 times out of the 4 thats i got cought.
Overdosing i until now only tried 3 times whitch only one i would say was realy serious.
First i tryd loracepan whitch just knockt me out for 2 or 3 days, cant remember much about it.
Secound time i dont even know half of the stuff i took because i stole it from the psychatrie
The third time i took an oveedose of Bicalumid in the hope that my liver gets damaged and not even with the expected to die, just couldn't think clearly, couldn't concentrate, had some pain in the liver region and puked blood for 3 or 4 days nothing more.
To the attempts where i stooped my self from doing it because i was too scared or didn't wanted to involve others.
To these attempt count jumping from a bridge, 2 timesjumping in front of a train and using helium.
I dont know why i cant bring myself to do it with these methods, i want to do it but when it is time my body just freezes.
I don't realy think that I realy want to die, more i think i say it too myself because my life was shit until now (family problems, suicidal mother, being trans, father dont left me and shortly before my first attempt my ex girlfriend broke up and i got raped by a group of guys.
currently i am trying too make my life wore on purpose so it is easier too kill myself.
I stopped the Ausbildung (don't know Englisch word) whitch i wanted too do all my life, started prostitute (i hate sex and Men, endet important friendships, started eating meat again was 12 years vegi, dont take care of my home and stopped any kind of self care, not even shaving whitch is one of the most important things for me at the start of the day.
Currently i am again trying to stop drinking and eating just with the difference that i am currently overdosing on Bisacodyl and glaubersalz too loose more water and energy faster.
Tomorrow should arrive an order of 40.000mg ofParacetamol lets see what will happen.
I wish there was another way for me whitch don't involve suicide or emotional dependentcy to other people.
Sorry for the bad English and thanks for reading this, you can ask my anything you want here as long the rules allow it
So i am 23years old a trans woman(passing) and pretty much self destructive, i am diagnosed with borderline, ptsd and sometimes autism.
So now to the subject why i am here, in the last year and a bit of the year before.
I tried overdosing, stop eating/drinking, strangulation and some whitch i myself dont see as attamps because i stopped myself or got help by myself.
First i start with the stop drinking/eating whitch is my favourite methods whitch i tryd 4 times currently doing it for the 5 time.
1-during the first attampt I lasted 9days without drinking and eating and it is by far the time where my body was close to giving up.
Constantly lost consciousness, couldn't even walk to my house door without a break and even sitting felt like sport.
The doctors in the hospital sayd that they dont think that I would have survived 1 more day.
2- i only lasted 4days but this time i consumed lots of salt to lose water whitch definitely worked but was pretty uncomfortable because of the salt poisoning, diarrhea and puking
3-this time i lasted 8 or 9 days and i felt pretty normal, only different was that I couldn't think clearly and was relatively fast out of breath
4- this time i survived full 12days without eating and drinking and still felt relatively ok accepte again losing consciousness and fast out of breath but nerly as bad as on the first try.
So it is obviously a lie that you can only last 3 days without water or i am not human.
Worst part is that i feel like that my body gets used to it.
My problem is that i have many friends whitch notice when i stop drinking whitch was in 3 times out of the 4 thats i got cought.
Overdosing i until now only tried 3 times whitch only one i would say was realy serious.
First i tryd loracepan whitch just knockt me out for 2 or 3 days, cant remember much about it.
Secound time i dont even know half of the stuff i took because i stole it from the psychatrie
The third time i took an oveedose of Bicalumid in the hope that my liver gets damaged and not even with the expected to die, just couldn't think clearly, couldn't concentrate, had some pain in the liver region and puked blood for 3 or 4 days nothing more.
To the attempts where i stooped my self from doing it because i was too scared or didn't wanted to involve others.
To these attempt count jumping from a bridge, 2 timesjumping in front of a train and using helium.
I dont know why i cant bring myself to do it with these methods, i want to do it but when it is time my body just freezes.
I don't realy think that I realy want to die, more i think i say it too myself because my life was shit until now (family problems, suicidal mother, being trans, father dont left me and shortly before my first attempt my ex girlfriend broke up and i got raped by a group of guys.
currently i am trying too make my life wore on purpose so it is easier too kill myself.
I stopped the Ausbildung (don't know Englisch word) whitch i wanted too do all my life, started prostitute (i hate sex and Men, endet important friendships, started eating meat again was 12 years vegi, dont take care of my home and stopped any kind of self care, not even shaving whitch is one of the most important things for me at the start of the day.
Currently i am again trying to stop drinking and eating just with the difference that i am currently overdosing on Bisacodyl and glaubersalz too loose more water and energy faster.
Tomorrow should arrive an order of 40.000mg ofParacetamol lets see what will happen.
I wish there was another way for me whitch don't involve suicide or emotional dependentcy to other people.
Sorry for the bad English and thanks for reading this, you can ask my anything you want here as long the rules allow it
