Never Free
Student
- Feb 6, 2019
- 177
I probably started feeling suicidal at about 3. Mind you my thought process was so undeveloped I don't know if I could technically call it that, and my memory is foggy. I recall thinking if you jumped off a building you may fly presumably from a video game. I did feel hesitation when jumping off even wall and such. Fear of getting hurt. So I think I imagined some kind of force field. I'd imagine I couldn't feel it too strong unless I jumped off something really high. I knew one could dye if they fell from or out of something really high. I thought I could lean out a window, close my eyes, and pretend to reach for something in the distance. Also never heard of anyone wanting to die, and wondered if I was the only one. I'd not known people who died, but knew I had relatives like great and great great grandparents who died. I'd seen people die in movies. I'd also heard of some presidents dying I believe. I knew I'd never heard of anyone coming back from dying. I think I realized quickly there seemed to be a cut off with age. Like how no great great grandparents of mine were alive. Maybe I was told about dying of old age, but either way i grasped the concept. It gave me some peace.
Though there was fear about it. It all started when I would watch movies like The Lion King. I'd see how scared they were of dying, and how sad those that loved them were. This made me very worried about myself, or someone I loved dying. Although i also thought maybe dying wasn't for them and not for me. Many things in life scared me, and maybe there was a more peaceful place ahead. I knew from the movies this made me different. I remember thinking that movies like Lion King must be heavily influenced by people's thoughts, and ideas. They seemed like it. Also I wasn't sure if animals had a complex language, but was fairly certain no person knew it. Also thought chances were animals wouldn't seem to think so similarly to people.
Thought it would make me quite misunderstood wanting to dye, and that people would think of me as a freak. This would probably make me very different. I knew real life being different was often not accepted, and this was reflected in movies/ TV. I liked watching TV/ movies partly, because people could get mad at me for not knowing what was accepted. When I watched stories on screen this was a good way to gauge that sort of thing. There wasn't much risk of people being upset or physically/ verbally hurting me. I would compare characters, and plots to people I knew, and situations I was in. I would try to think of how characters could've responded better, along with those around them.
Also Mufasa looked pretty peaceful just laying there. The ones who really seemed distressed was everyone else. I wondered since he looked asleep if he was in dreamlike state. Was it one dream, was it many dreams. Was pleasant, or like a nightmare. Chances are I thought it was one way, or why wouldn't they tell those they loved they were alright. Wondered if people met up somewhere like a shared dream. Wondered if people could come back to life, but then couldn't return to the afterlife. Then maybe they would stay and wait for those close to them. I thought I was the least favorite in my family so people would miss me the least, and it only made sense I would be the first to die. Also being different and wanting to die. More people probably thinking poorly of me. Another reason death was probably for me. Thought I was probably just meant to leave this life earlier than most.
"I've got issues, I've got scars
And the color is just like yours
I was broken right from the start
I'm no different than you are
I'm not perfect, I'm perfectly flawed
And my scratches don't hurt much at all
But just like you, I've got issues"
I know I've talked a great deal of being fearful of what people think. Even cognitively I knew this made me different. This however is very much my normal. I don't know if it's just because I wanted to die at a very young age. I don't seem to experience the gravity that people who first became suicidal as adults, teens or even older kids seem to perceive. I get down because my situation, and feeling like I'd be better off dead. I fear how people would think of me, or would be hurt. I get down on feeling misunderstood. I fear psychiatry. I fear not having an out. I sometimes fear punishment or bad karma in the afterlife. All of this revolves around interpersonal, or indirect consequences. It feels normal despite knowing it's considered abnormal. I feel baffled trying to imagine never feeling suicidal till adolescence, or even a little younger. This really spoke to me. A song "Issues" by James Durbin. I know people think of suicidal thoughts to be a huge problem. I don't experience mine as such. "My Scratches don't hurt much at all" really sums it up well. A lot in the song relates to me. I do consider suicidal plans as "the bandages I wear to keep out the cold"
Though there was fear about it. It all started when I would watch movies like The Lion King. I'd see how scared they were of dying, and how sad those that loved them were. This made me very worried about myself, or someone I loved dying. Although i also thought maybe dying wasn't for them and not for me. Many things in life scared me, and maybe there was a more peaceful place ahead. I knew from the movies this made me different. I remember thinking that movies like Lion King must be heavily influenced by people's thoughts, and ideas. They seemed like it. Also I wasn't sure if animals had a complex language, but was fairly certain no person knew it. Also thought chances were animals wouldn't seem to think so similarly to people.
Thought it would make me quite misunderstood wanting to dye, and that people would think of me as a freak. This would probably make me very different. I knew real life being different was often not accepted, and this was reflected in movies/ TV. I liked watching TV/ movies partly, because people could get mad at me for not knowing what was accepted. When I watched stories on screen this was a good way to gauge that sort of thing. There wasn't much risk of people being upset or physically/ verbally hurting me. I would compare characters, and plots to people I knew, and situations I was in. I would try to think of how characters could've responded better, along with those around them.
Also Mufasa looked pretty peaceful just laying there. The ones who really seemed distressed was everyone else. I wondered since he looked asleep if he was in dreamlike state. Was it one dream, was it many dreams. Was pleasant, or like a nightmare. Chances are I thought it was one way, or why wouldn't they tell those they loved they were alright. Wondered if people met up somewhere like a shared dream. Wondered if people could come back to life, but then couldn't return to the afterlife. Then maybe they would stay and wait for those close to them. I thought I was the least favorite in my family so people would miss me the least, and it only made sense I would be the first to die. Also being different and wanting to die. More people probably thinking poorly of me. Another reason death was probably for me. Thought I was probably just meant to leave this life earlier than most.
"I've got issues, I've got scars
And the color is just like yours
I was broken right from the start
I'm no different than you are
I'm not perfect, I'm perfectly flawed
And my scratches don't hurt much at all
But just like you, I've got issues"
I know I've talked a great deal of being fearful of what people think. Even cognitively I knew this made me different. This however is very much my normal. I don't know if it's just because I wanted to die at a very young age. I don't seem to experience the gravity that people who first became suicidal as adults, teens or even older kids seem to perceive. I get down because my situation, and feeling like I'd be better off dead. I fear how people would think of me, or would be hurt. I get down on feeling misunderstood. I fear psychiatry. I fear not having an out. I sometimes fear punishment or bad karma in the afterlife. All of this revolves around interpersonal, or indirect consequences. It feels normal despite knowing it's considered abnormal. I feel baffled trying to imagine never feeling suicidal till adolescence, or even a little younger. This really spoke to me. A song "Issues" by James Durbin. I know people think of suicidal thoughts to be a huge problem. I don't experience mine as such. "My Scratches don't hurt much at all" really sums it up well. A lot in the song relates to me. I do consider suicidal plans as "the bandages I wear to keep out the cold"
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