All I Have SN & AE (METO. Will I be okay?

[NitrogenAfternoon]

I am following the protocol and doing 2 days of AE before I attempt to ctb with the SN. I have already taken 2 pills of METO so far over 16 hours. Is this really all I need? AE and SN? That's what all the protocols say. Thats what the goodbye threads mentioned. It's all I have and I can't do anything more now. I actually do have hydromorphone that was prescribed to me, but they mess with my stomach so much and makes me nauseous. To the point I am not even sure if the AE will prevent me from puking, so I just rather not take them.

I am worried about my heart beat, and feeling a lot of pain. But I have no choice but to try. I travelled 7 hours just to go to a hotel in another city and give this a try. I didn't even book a round trip, just one way, as this is my mindset. I am just looking for some reassurance I guess, as tonight may be my last night. My AE regimen will be done by then.

I am anxious and nervous to what the feeling will be like, but I am even more scared of the reality I face going back home and maintaining that monotonous cycle called life while battling through severe depression, loneliness, and BPD.

Will I be okay?

 

[2messdup]

I am following the protocol and doing 2 days of AE before I attempt to ctb with the SN. I have already taken 2 pills of METO so far over 16 hours. Is this really all I need? AE and SN? That's what all the protocols say. Thats what the goodbye threads mentioned. I am worried about my heart beat, and feeling a lot of pain. But I have no choice but to try. I travelled 7 hours just to go to a hotel in another city and give this a try. I didn't even book a round trip, just one way, as this is my mindset. I am just looking for some reassurance I guess, as tonight may be my last night.

I am anxious and nervous to what the feeling will be like, but I am even more scared of the reality I face going back home and maintaining that monotonous cycle called life while battling through severe depression, loneliness, and BPD.

Will I be okay?

I understand that battle with depression, loneliness and BPD. Personally I haven't tried that hard to get benzo's to relieve any anxiety during my sn ctb because I'd be anxious that I'd pass out before drinking the sn (as several members have experienced). I hope that detecting the signs of what's happening will make me feel relief that I will soon find peace from my struggles. But it's taken me a long time to get over the fear of just the thought of it. But we are all different and no one can predict how we'll feel when we get there. There have been posts where members have said they feel anxious beforehand but when they're describing what's happening during ctb, there's no mention of fear, maybe because they knew what to expect about some of the physical sensations. But we're all different and there's no judgement here either if you decide to wait.

 

[gothbird]

SN and antiemetics are the core components. You're doing the right thing by starting the AE 48 hours in advance. Keep dosing as scheduled, usually 10mg every 8 hours, and then 30mg about 40 minutes before SN. That significantly reduces your risk of vomiting, which is the main cause of failed attempts.

The SN dose itself is correct. Fast for 6–8 hours before, no food or drink. A calm environment matters. You've travelled far and yes that's all you technically need. People have gone before you with the same tools and found peace.

As for the fear: it's normal. Everyone feels it. The racing heart, the doubt, the second guessing. But the physical process, when done correctly, is usually faster and more numbing than people expect. You may feel light headed, flushed, a ringing in your ears, heaviness in your limbs. Some describe it like falling asleep in waves. You might feel fear, then detachment. Then nothing.

And if you do change your mind know that it's not weakness. If that happens, call emergency services immediately. Be clear and direct: tell them you've taken sodium nitrite and that you need methylene blue.

Wherever you're drifting tonight, I hope it's quiet out there. If this isn't the end and just a pause in orbit, then I'll see you again on the next rotation. Until then, take care of your stardust.