I am ashamed of my country and admitting to being from here is so humiliating to me. Not only is my country poor, i was born into arguably one of the poorest areas of that country and that makes me feel so worthless compared to my peers who were born abroad. I don't even feel human next to them. Like I'm a fraud desperately trying to blend in. Even as a little child I felt this way about my country. I remember lying to my friends in the 3rd grade about being born in the USA.
I am ashamed of my financial background.
The people around me all go on fancy Eurotrips and vacations and they make plans to meet up when they're all in the same country; and then they will ask me if I would like to join, and all I can do is admit that I won't be going on vacation this time (as if I go on any at all).
They have designer bags, collect expensive perfumes (150$ for a singular perfume bottle is actually insane to me), and have the entire Apple ecosystem.
Again, as a little child, I'd lie to my friends about being rich.
I am ashamed of my family. They're old-fashioned asians, and are very frugal. They (my grandparents) have the means to have a better quality of life, but refuse to spend even a single cent on anything other than the bare necessities. My grandfather is so sick that he basically needs 24/7 care, but he refuses to hire a caretaker or go to a nursing home (or other facilities), and the burden falls on my grandmother and mother instead.
We live in a really ugly building. The house consists of three floors and is basically just a cube. Not even in a modern way, just a block of cement. We live in the third floor and rent out the first two. My mother is quite the hoarder and refuses to throw anything out. She keeps buying shelves to store stuff she really doesn't even need. And we don't have AC. The temperature here on an average day is 30°c. I have never invited friends over as I am embarrassed of the appearance of my house both inside and out. I lie to my friends that my mother doesn't allow me to have friends over.
My parents are embarrassing to be around and I dislike going out with them as to avoid being perceived with them. Especially my father, as he is essentially a hillbilly. He is very against the idea of me going abroad to study. Everyday I fantasize about cutting of all contact with all of them once I am financially independent.
My greatest wish is to move to a country I am sure to never see anyone from my current life ever again. Because they already see me in a way that I don't want them see me and that brings me great (you guessed it) shame.
All of my problems stem from shame and being perceived badly. One of my biggest fears is being looked down upon. I am quite certain that I am on the autism spectrum, but since middle school I have quickly learned how to act "normal", to avoid the embarrassment of coming off as different or weird. There was a guy in my grade who was openly autistic, and he was not very well liked. Many people made fun of him in subtle ways he didn't understand, and although I felt bad for him deep down, I too had joined in on the teasing as to fit in with the normal humans.
Shame is the root cause of (most of) my issues. I am depressed because the shame makes me feel inhuman. I cut myself because at least then I could be a real victim instead of just… me. Better to be suicidal than just another failure, right? And cutting makes people feel bad for me. If i can't be one of them, having their compassion would at least be something, right? I am so obsessed with how people see me it's driving me insane.
I am ashamed of my financial background.
The people around me all go on fancy Eurotrips and vacations and they make plans to meet up when they're all in the same country; and then they will ask me if I would like to join, and all I can do is admit that I won't be going on vacation this time (as if I go on any at all).
They have designer bags, collect expensive perfumes (150$ for a singular perfume bottle is actually insane to me), and have the entire Apple ecosystem.
Again, as a little child, I'd lie to my friends about being rich.
I am ashamed of my family. They're old-fashioned asians, and are very frugal. They (my grandparents) have the means to have a better quality of life, but refuse to spend even a single cent on anything other than the bare necessities. My grandfather is so sick that he basically needs 24/7 care, but he refuses to hire a caretaker or go to a nursing home (or other facilities), and the burden falls on my grandmother and mother instead.
We live in a really ugly building. The house consists of three floors and is basically just a cube. Not even in a modern way, just a block of cement. We live in the third floor and rent out the first two. My mother is quite the hoarder and refuses to throw anything out. She keeps buying shelves to store stuff she really doesn't even need. And we don't have AC. The temperature here on an average day is 30°c. I have never invited friends over as I am embarrassed of the appearance of my house both inside and out. I lie to my friends that my mother doesn't allow me to have friends over.
My parents are embarrassing to be around and I dislike going out with them as to avoid being perceived with them. Especially my father, as he is essentially a hillbilly. He is very against the idea of me going abroad to study. Everyday I fantasize about cutting of all contact with all of them once I am financially independent.
My greatest wish is to move to a country I am sure to never see anyone from my current life ever again. Because they already see me in a way that I don't want them see me and that brings me great (you guessed it) shame.
All of my problems stem from shame and being perceived badly. One of my biggest fears is being looked down upon. I am quite certain that I am on the autism spectrum, but since middle school I have quickly learned how to act "normal", to avoid the embarrassment of coming off as different or weird. There was a guy in my grade who was openly autistic, and he was not very well liked. Many people made fun of him in subtle ways he didn't understand, and although I felt bad for him deep down, I too had joined in on the teasing as to fit in with the normal humans.
Shame is the root cause of (most of) my issues. I am depressed because the shame makes me feel inhuman. I cut myself because at least then I could be a real victim instead of just… me. Better to be suicidal than just another failure, right? And cutting makes people feel bad for me. If i can't be one of them, having their compassion would at least be something, right? I am so obsessed with how people see me it's driving me insane.
