deaddog
Member
- Oct 9, 2024
- 7
My dog is my everything. He's the sweetest, smartest, most loyal, and most kind soul I've ever met in my life. I got him as a puppy and I've had him for 11 years now and have built my life around him, I got him when I turned 18 and every decision of my adult life has been curated to make sure he has the best life possible. He's the center of my world and he treats me like I'm his whole universe. I would have ended it all at 18 if I wasn't given this sweet, beautiful boy as a gift.
For being 11 he is in incredible health, he still runs and plays for hours on end and all his lab work indicates that he's as healthy as a 7 year old dog, but time doesn't stop just because your pet is loved and well cared for and healthy. I know one day his time will come.
The truth is I haven't been able to feel joy unless it comes from him and even with him around I feel thus constant, soul crushing weight of depression, anxiety, and trauma. He helps with that so much and isn't even trained as a service dog, he just knows how I feel and acts accordingly... and yet I still feel so miserable all of the time. He's just there to give me the occasional distraction and smile to break up the suffering. When he's gone I won't have that anymore.
I will never find another dog like him. I will never find another soul capable of compassion and unconditional love in the way he is. I receive little joy from "friendship" with people and find it to be too much of a chore and either end up hurting people or getting hurt. My family dynamic is strained due to generation trauma that found its way to me and while I wish to deepen my adult relationships with my siblings they don't seem to want to talk to me anymore, even if I reach out. Romamtic relationships are something I struggle with, again due to trauma and me acting out and while I would love to one day have a wife I know that's not possible because of my nature. I've had behavioral issues my whole life and started therapy at a very young age and dispite the "help" I get nothing seems to actually help me heal.
There's no point in carrying on once my dog is gone. I will not get better and will never acheive the goals I have in life. Honestly me mourning the life I "could have had if things were different" has helped me realize that the only thing I find any joy or satisfaction from in the life I actually have is my boy. I could have been so many things if I didn't slip through the cracks... the one thing I am in this lifetime is a good pet parent and I know that to be true. Me and my dog will just be walking down the street, on a hike, or at the river and people will go out of their way to tell me they can see what a good owner I am. No one satys I'm handsome or smart or kind or funny or creative, which makes sense because I don't possess any of those qualities. But I am a damn good dog dad and I have to stay alive for as long as my boy does because I can't bare the thought of the pain I would cause him if I died during his lifetime. I'm all he knows, all he has. Even when I leave him with a pet sitter or at a doggy daycare I am always told that he will just sit and stare at the door until I get back. He even sometimes refuses to eat or drink if I'm not there. I have to stay alive for him, but once he's gone I'm gone.
I've also been hung up on the past. There was a point where I was 8 or 9 years old when I was genuinely happy. When I was 8 my family adopted our first dog, I enrolled in Scouts, my family was getting along, my mom wasn't screaming or crying or hurting her kids, I loved school, I had friends, and I genuinely loved life. That changed pretty rapidly after getting molested...
Now no natter what I do I can not get that feeling of joy and comfort and lust for life back. I've traveled the world trying to find it, seen almost all 50 states with my dog and have even made it to South America and Europe, lived a life of adventure. Ive gone to countless therapists, so many psychiatrists, truend countless medications, gine to group, have done both inpatient and outpatient and rehab and I'm still miserable. No matter what I try I'm in emotional agony that can only be occasionally escaped when my dog wags his tail or licks my face or runs in circles around me out of excitement.
I hope that my baby boy lives a long and happy life. I pray every day that he stays with me for as long as possible while also praying for death to take me. I hope when I die I end up wherever he goes. If heaven is real and if all dogs go to heaven I hope I can be forgiven for my sins so I can see his sweet brown eyes looking up at me for all eternity.
For being 11 he is in incredible health, he still runs and plays for hours on end and all his lab work indicates that he's as healthy as a 7 year old dog, but time doesn't stop just because your pet is loved and well cared for and healthy. I know one day his time will come.
The truth is I haven't been able to feel joy unless it comes from him and even with him around I feel thus constant, soul crushing weight of depression, anxiety, and trauma. He helps with that so much and isn't even trained as a service dog, he just knows how I feel and acts accordingly... and yet I still feel so miserable all of the time. He's just there to give me the occasional distraction and smile to break up the suffering. When he's gone I won't have that anymore.
I will never find another dog like him. I will never find another soul capable of compassion and unconditional love in the way he is. I receive little joy from "friendship" with people and find it to be too much of a chore and either end up hurting people or getting hurt. My family dynamic is strained due to generation trauma that found its way to me and while I wish to deepen my adult relationships with my siblings they don't seem to want to talk to me anymore, even if I reach out. Romamtic relationships are something I struggle with, again due to trauma and me acting out and while I would love to one day have a wife I know that's not possible because of my nature. I've had behavioral issues my whole life and started therapy at a very young age and dispite the "help" I get nothing seems to actually help me heal.
There's no point in carrying on once my dog is gone. I will not get better and will never acheive the goals I have in life. Honestly me mourning the life I "could have had if things were different" has helped me realize that the only thing I find any joy or satisfaction from in the life I actually have is my boy. I could have been so many things if I didn't slip through the cracks... the one thing I am in this lifetime is a good pet parent and I know that to be true. Me and my dog will just be walking down the street, on a hike, or at the river and people will go out of their way to tell me they can see what a good owner I am. No one satys I'm handsome or smart or kind or funny or creative, which makes sense because I don't possess any of those qualities. But I am a damn good dog dad and I have to stay alive for as long as my boy does because I can't bare the thought of the pain I would cause him if I died during his lifetime. I'm all he knows, all he has. Even when I leave him with a pet sitter or at a doggy daycare I am always told that he will just sit and stare at the door until I get back. He even sometimes refuses to eat or drink if I'm not there. I have to stay alive for him, but once he's gone I'm gone.
I've also been hung up on the past. There was a point where I was 8 or 9 years old when I was genuinely happy. When I was 8 my family adopted our first dog, I enrolled in Scouts, my family was getting along, my mom wasn't screaming or crying or hurting her kids, I loved school, I had friends, and I genuinely loved life. That changed pretty rapidly after getting molested...
Now no natter what I do I can not get that feeling of joy and comfort and lust for life back. I've traveled the world trying to find it, seen almost all 50 states with my dog and have even made it to South America and Europe, lived a life of adventure. Ive gone to countless therapists, so many psychiatrists, truend countless medications, gine to group, have done both inpatient and outpatient and rehab and I'm still miserable. No matter what I try I'm in emotional agony that can only be occasionally escaped when my dog wags his tail or licks my face or runs in circles around me out of excitement.
I hope that my baby boy lives a long and happy life. I pray every day that he stays with me for as long as possible while also praying for death to take me. I hope when I die I end up wherever he goes. If heaven is real and if all dogs go to heaven I hope I can be forgiven for my sins so I can see his sweet brown eyes looking up at me for all eternity.
