Alive, yet dead.

[WAITING TO DIE]

My body is alive , yet I'm dead inside. Each day is just like the last, I lose track of time and of what day it is, as every grim moment of existence blurs into one.
I'm constantly in survival mode, as opposed to actually living, even though I don't even want to survive at all.
I am just a sack of flesh and bone, devoid of purpose and any emotion that resembles happiness.
Sometimes I wonder if I am real at all, and that this dreadful world around me is but a figment of my imagination
Or a cruel nightmare devised by some sinister entity to enslave me for it's own sadistic entertainment.
Or maybe I am finally losing my sanity once and for all, as I descend further into the very pit of despair.

 

[cscott]

My body is alive , yet I'm dead inside. Each day is just like the last, I lose track of time and of what day it is, as every grim moment of existence blurs into one.
I'm constantly in survival mode, as opposed to actually living, even though I don't even want to survive at all.
I am just a sack of flesh and bone, devoid of purpose and any emotion that resembles happiness.
Sometimes I wonder if I am real at all, and that this dreadful world around me is but a figment of my imagination
Or a cruel nightmare devised by some sinister entity to enslave me for it's own sadistic entertainment.
Or maybe I am finally losing my sanity once and for all, as I descend further into the very pit of despair.

I promise u this is exactly exactly how I feel. U are not crazy!

As I sit here and still await my last thing needed I feel riddle beyond belief with fear. The fact that it's just me ac alone & even though there's ppl out there it's like u say is this just ur fucking figment if ur own imagination or dream that has now become your own hell

Everyday is the same no matter where I go or what I try. I realise it's all the same cause it's all in ny head. The pain, suffering or even just the sheer emptiness like yes I'm already dead just an empty robot programmed to repeat survival everyday by any means even tho I want nothing more than to shut down & die

Have I gone this crazy, this much into the void. I want nothing, nothing more than death yet I'm afraid of it finally consuming me. And I'm certainly terrified of jump which is my only other option if not sn. The wait for this has been beyond insane. I feel a pain in my chest that I can't even explain. The terror eats me I can't even really eat.. I can't even think straight in these last moments to get myself prepared and look to follow the steps cause I can't believe how crazy one can eventually get or feel. I literally have to force myself to get to this last push on getting myself ready & then go ..

Even the thought of dying perhaps in some comfort or in my own home still means nothing anymore where before I thought it would be better than having to go out of your home & do something but again I realise it's all the same to me.

The true fear is the fear of death. Even if we love or yearn for it. It's scary to go back to nothing cause it's beyond us & it's not even something u can imagine how could you imagine nothing ..? I feel that's the true terror

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I promise u this is exactly exactly how I feel. U are not crazy!

As I sit here and still await my last thing needed I feel riddle beyond belief with fear. The fact that it's just me ac alone & even though there's ppl out there it's like u say is this just ur fucking figment if ur own imagination or dream that has now become your own hell

Everyday is the same no matter where I go or what I try. I realise it's all the same cause it's all in ny head. The pain, suffering or even just the sheer emptiness like yes I'm already dead just an empty robot programmed to repeat survival everyday by any means even tho I want nothing more than to shut down & die

Have I gone this crazy, this much into the void. I want nothing, nothing more than death yet I'm afraid of it finally consuming me. And I'm certainly terrified of jump which is my only other option if not sn. The wait for this has been beyond insane. I feel a pain in my chest that I can't even explain. The terror eats me I can't even really eat.. I can't even think straight in these last moments to get myself prepared and look to follow the steps cause I can't believe how crazy one can eventually get or feel. I literally have to force myself to get to this last push on getting myself ready & then go ..

Even the thought of dying perhaps in some comfort or in my own home still means nothing anymore where before I thought it would be better than having to go out of your home & do something but again I realise it's all the same to me.

The true fear is the fear of death. Even if we love or yearn for it. It's scary to go back to nothing cause it's beyond us & it's not even something u can imagine how could you imagine nothing ..? I feel that's the true terror

It brings me a sense of comfort knowing that there are other poor souls in this nightmare existence who understand the kind of horrors I am going through.
I used to have episodes of derealisation and depersonalisation due to severe anxiety, yet nowadays I don't even have the energy to be anxious.
A couple of years ago I began to experience an existential crisis , and this has gradually worsened to the point where I now view existence as utterly pointless and meaningless and infuriatingly confusing.
I honestly cannot comprehend how I have survived for so long, suffering each seemingly endless and pointless day, when all I crave is to go to sleep and never wake up again.
I like to think that when we die, that it is exactly the same as before we were born: that there is no consciousness whatsoever.
No soul, no spirit, no awareness, no nothing.
Maybe consciousness is purely biological, and the thing that we perceive as " ME " is merely a biochemical, electrical reaction in the brain.
I think that religion is responsible for creating so many lies about human existence.
Did the people in prehistoric times before religion was invented believe in a soul and eternal consciousness ?

 

[FuneralCry]

Existence truly is so hellish but I personally don't believe there is a deeper purpose or meaning behind the way that existence is, I see existence as just being a horrific mistake which tragically disturbed the peace of nothingness.

Existence is just an endless cycle of senseless cruelty and meaningless suffering where existing beings are burdened with the ability to exist just destined to decay and die, only the eternity of non-existence comforts me. I very strongly believe that when we lose consciousness that is it for us, we are gone.