Tionally
bored
- Jul 5, 2023
- 115
I was strictly against drinking up to 1/2 years ago but since then I've began using weed and alcohol as an escape from my mental problems. I usually don't feel anything emotion-wise but sometimes when intoxicated I was actually happy and actually cared about people(I think??).
It's not like I was addicted (I think) - I was doing it only occasionally with my friends during parties. But when I did drink/smoke I always got completely trashed. Though there have been times where I was intoxicated up to 5 times during a month (but that was after exams I think and otherwise it was less)
Progressively though I think I stated having more bad trips than good ones. During them I felt extra disconnected from my surroundings and everything felt not real. I lost sense of myself and I didn't feel like the person in the mirror was me. I knew it was but it didn't feel like it.
The problem is, I think these feelings stayed with me even after the high went away. I still have problems with depersonalization and I think I had them even before drinking/smoking but definitely not to this degree. They could just progress on their own but I think that drinking and smoking also had a role in it. I noticed that after these parties I had hightened derealization next day/few days even though I was sober.
My last two drunk states were probably the worst. I had the urge to CTB during the first one and kinda cut my arm. During the second one I felt extremely disconnected from reality and just stopped talking. I was walking with my friends for like 3 hours and barely said a word. (During the next couple hours I started talking though and had fun)
So I guess I'm stopping drinking and smoking cause I don't wanna feel bad. It's not like it's gonna fix everything because I have problems and suicidal urges outside of derealization but I guess it can't hurt.
It's not like I was addicted (I think) - I was doing it only occasionally with my friends during parties. But when I did drink/smoke I always got completely trashed. Though there have been times where I was intoxicated up to 5 times during a month (but that was after exams I think and otherwise it was less)
Progressively though I think I stated having more bad trips than good ones. During them I felt extra disconnected from my surroundings and everything felt not real. I lost sense of myself and I didn't feel like the person in the mirror was me. I knew it was but it didn't feel like it.
The problem is, I think these feelings stayed with me even after the high went away. I still have problems with depersonalization and I think I had them even before drinking/smoking but definitely not to this degree. They could just progress on their own but I think that drinking and smoking also had a role in it. I noticed that after these parties I had hightened derealization next day/few days even though I was sober.
My last two drunk states were probably the worst. I had the urge to CTB during the first one and kinda cut my arm. During the second one I felt extremely disconnected from reality and just stopped talking. I was walking with my friends for like 3 hours and barely said a word. (During the next couple hours I started talking though and had fun)
So I guess I'm stopping drinking and smoking cause I don't wanna feel bad. It's not like it's gonna fix everything because I have problems and suicidal urges outside of derealization but I guess it can't hurt.
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