Discussion Agorphobia

[Inevitable]

Ive had anxiety abd depression since esrly childhood.I haven't been able to leave home since February. I can leave my house if my mom takes me for drives that's it. My house is my prison. Im too anxious and fearful to leave. I have lightheadness without a medical cause so I often think im dying, I have a fear of fear. I also hate people, I constantly think their staring at me or talking about me.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I think you're in good company here. I only leave the house if I absolutely have to, but basically I delegate whatever I can to others whenever possible, or else I just put it on the back burner forever and never get around to it at all.

Coincidentally, I also have chronic lightheadedness. 4.5 years now with no established cause. Sometimes when I type these things, I can't believe they're even true. I just want one of those giant fucking cartoon pianos to fall on me next time I go outside.

 

[EndofMyRope]

I completely understand how you feel. I get panic attacks over the though of leaving my house and haven't stepped foot out the door in over 2 weeks. My bedroom is my own personal jail cell with the windows covered so that no light comes in along with the mirror covered so that nothing reflects off of it.

 

[LetMeDiePlease]

I don't like leaving my house either. In my opinion, the online world of fiction and fantasy is so much better than the real world.

 

[worldexploder]

I been somewhat agoraphobic for a long time. When I was at my worst I couldn't leave the house for 2 years. When I did I would have panic attacks. I can manage fine thanks to my medication. It's more of a paranoia of people thing now. Yup - I am afraid of people. I feel uncomfortable and on edge leaving my house. This home is like a magnet. I only leave it to get my beer and see the therapist.

 

[Dizzy]

I feel for you.

I was prescribed xanax at age 12 on varying doses until 21. At one point I was prescribed 3 xanax bars a day. (Which is unbelievable, could have killed me maybe idk but I was 17. Lost a few months of memory) well i moved at age 21 and my doctor would not honor my prescription and cut me off cold turkey. I went through withdrawals, and developed agoraphobia soon after. It lasted a whole year.

I have always wanted to reach out and help people with agoraphobia because I could find no help whatsoever.

It started with only being comfortable in the corner of my room. It took time to be comfortable in the bathroom, then the living room. I remember having a therapist visit my house and I literally hid behind a house plant, lol. It took months to be able to get to the mail box. I put myself through exposure therapy, but I felt I just kind of had to wait for my brain to rebuild what damage the xanax had done. I relearned how to live. I had to relearn how to be in a grocery store, how to handle driving a car. It was very surreal. I looked in the mirror and did not recognize myself.

I came out of it though.

I feel my agoraphobia was induced by xanax therefore I wasn't sure if I could relate enough in those who developed it naturally. In that regard, I'd love to share what I did, what helped me in hopes of could help someone else. But the truth is, each person is so vastly different and anxiety is a stress response which is different for everybody.

If anyone would like my insight on your paticular anxieties, please message me. I can share the coping skills i learned or just listen, if you want.

 

[EndofMyRope]

I feel for you.

I was prescribed xanax at age 12 on varying doses until 21. At one point I was prescribed 3 xanax bars a day. (Which is unbelievable, could have killed me maybe idk but I was 17. Lost a few months of memory) well i moved at age 21 and my doctor would not honor my prescription and cut me off cold turkey. I went through withdrawals, and developed agoraphobia soon after. It lasted a whole year..

The second dr could have killed you but making you stop cold turkey! Between Xanax ER (extended release) and xanax, I was prescribed 11mgs of xanax total a day and quickly built s tolerance to it. Because of that, I was taking a couple more than prescribed here and there and inevitably ran out before I could get my script refilled. One night I remember being upstairs with my ex-husband and feeling like I couldn't hold my head still. I "came to" downstairs with firemen and EMTs in front of me shouting questions in my face. Apparently, I had had a grand map seizure, remained unconscious and my ex-husband had called 911. I couldn't remember his name, the date, the president, etc. Off to the ER we go and that was the first time I "voluntarily" signed myself into a psych ward. My physiatrist told me he'd have me committed if I didn't go willingly. The ER docs were PISSED when they found out the dose of xanax I'd been prescribed. They couldn't believe a Dr would me so negligent to prescribe such a high dosage. I wound up having to go to an inpatient rehab to be medically detoxes from the xanax because doing it on an outpatient basis was too dangerous. It was absolute hell.

 

[Fucking loving it]

I am agoraphobic. I feel all this pain.

 

[Donewith_]

I used to have it before a couple of years. Yeah, but I don't know I have that disorder, just used to think I was depressed. Once , I was going to an exam , got into the bus..was suddenly afraid coz it's so closed, I was dead afraid . Got off that bus immediately. I don't know how I lost my fear later.

 

[Rollo]

I feel my agoraphobia was induced by xanax

But you developed it after stopping xanax. What were you prescrined xanax for? If it was anxiety then it all make sense - you had anxiety, xanax dulled it down, then you stopped and it went into bloom.

 

[Dizzy]

But you developed it after stopping xanax. What were you prescrined xanax for? If it was anxiety then it all make sense - you had anxiety, xanax dulled it down, then you stopped and it went into bloom.

Yes, I was/am diagnosed with panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder....school phobia, and social anxiety...

Ive actually had a 6 month "episode" of agoraphobia after a Molly overdose. (After the year episode) Zapped my gaba receptors, I assume.

I've read that heroin users, it takes about a year to regrow neurotransmitters and I kind of relate my recovery to that. It felt like time was the only cure...(in my case)

 

[Dizzy]

The second dr could have killed you but making you stop cold turkey! Between Xanax ER (extended release) and xanax, I was prescribed 11mgs of xanax total a day and quickly built s tolerance to it. Because of that, I was taking a couple more than prescribed here and there and inevitably ran out before I could get my script refilled. One night I remember being upstairs with my ex-husband and feeling like I couldn't hold my head still. I "came to" downstairs with firemen and EMTs in front of me shouting questions in my face. Apparently, I had had a grand map seizure, remained unconscious and my ex-husband had called 911. I couldn't remember his name, the date, the president, etc. Off to the ER we go and that was the first time I "voluntarily" signed myself into a psych ward. My physiatrist told me he'd have me committed if I didn't go willingly. The ER docs were PISSED when they found out the dose of xanax I'd been prescribed. They couldn't believe a Dr would me so negligent to prescribe such a high dosage. I wound up having to go to an inpatient rehab to be medically detoxes from the xanax because doing it on an outpatient basis was too dangerous. It was absolute hell.

Wow! Yeah I remember having the flu but I really was withdrawaling. I was lucky. I read about the sezuires.
I'm so sorry you went through that. How long did they keep you? How was your anxiety afterwards?

 

[Dizzy]

I used to have it before a couple of years. Yeah, but I don't know I have that disorder, just used to think I was depressed. Once , I was going to an exam , got into the bus..was suddenly afraid coz it's so closed, I was dead afraid . Got off that bus immediately. I don't know how I lost my fear later.

Ohh I relate to the bus fear. On uni campus, bus was the way to go as parking was horrendous. I have this behavior where I gotta have my exit strategy. When the bus doors close, my exit is gone and I get light headed, adrenaline rush, super uncomfortable, impending doom feeling. The more stressed I was, I'd have to walk instead of the bus.

It sucked in winter, but I also have a weird quirk of loving the cold, as it eases my anxiety. It's a sypathatic nervous response. (The sypathatic nervous system is the automated response system which also controls fight or flight response)

From a quick Google: "Exposure to cold stimulates cold receptors of the skin which causes cold thermal sensations and stimulation of the sympathetic nervous system"

I thought that was really fascinating. So for example, I'll bring a cold can of soda to therapy just to hold, or I've heard of people keeping instant ice packs. When I'm at grocery store I'll hang out in the frozen section or keep touching something frozen in my cart while I shop. When I go to doctors there's a lot of cold metal to touch.
Not that I'm really weird about it, you'd probably never notice.

I'm babbling now, but you know what's really weird? I feel like my anxiety evolves. I get over one thing and it's like my body gets frustrated, "hey I'm trying to protect you what are you doing" and has to come up with another way to get my attention. My symptoms change...I used to hyperventilate and pass out. Picked up meditation and practiced breathing techniques. Now get hot flashes probably because I figured out the cold thing!

 

[EndofMyRope]

Wow! Yeah I remember having the flu but I really was withdrawaling. I was lucky. I read about the sezuires.
I'm so sorry you went through that. How long did they keep you? How was your anxiety afterwards?

I was in the detox unit for 7 days while they closely monitored me and adjusted my medication. After that, I was moved to the rehab side where I stayed for another 14 days. My anxiety was horrific, but then again, it always is. Now, 6-7 years later on 4mg of Klonipin/day.

 

[Donewith_]

Ohh I relate to the bus fear. On uni campus, bus was the way to go as parking was horrendous. I have this behavior where I gotta have my exit strategy. When the bus doors close, my exit is gone and I get light headed, adrenaline rush, super uncomfortable, impending doom feeling. The more stressed I was, I'd have to walk instead of the bus.

It sucked in winter, but I also have a weird quirk of loving the cold, as it eases my anxiety. It's a sypathatic nervous response. (The sypathatic nervous system is the automated response system which also controls fight or flight response)

From a quick Google: "Exposure to cold stimulates cold receptors of the skin which causes cold thermal sensations and stimulation of the sympathetic nervous system"

I thought that was really fascinating. So for example, I'll bring a cold can of soda to therapy just to hold, or I've heard of people keeping instant ice packs. When I'm at grocery store I'll hang out in the frozen section or keep touching something frozen in my cart while I shop. When I go to doctors there's a lot of cold metal to touch.
Not that I'm really weird about it, you'd probably never notice.

I'm babbling now, but you know what's really weird? I feel like my anxiety evolves. I get over one thing and it's like my body gets frustrated, "hey I'm trying to protect you what are you doing" and has to come up with another way to get my attention. My symptoms change...I used to hyperventilate and pass out. Picked up meditation and practiced breathing techniques. Now get hot flashes probably because I figured out the cold thing!

Oh. Haven't heard of this before. For me, i'll always feel comfortable in hot weather coz I can't stand the coldness.

 

[Rollo]

Yes, I was/am diagnosed with panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder....school phobia, and social anxiety...

Ive actually had a 6 month "episode" of agoraphobia after a Molly overdose. (After the year episode) Zapped my gaba receptors, I assume.

So how you differentiate between having agoraphobia and having general anxiety/school phobia/social anxiety? They look like the same thing to me. Or was it simply the intensity of it all that peaked after you stopped xanax and after you overdosed on molly?

 

[Dizzy]

So how you differentiate between having agoraphobia and having general anxiety/school phobia/social anxiety? They look like the same thing to me. Or was it simply the intensity of it all that peaked after you stopped xanax and after you overdosed on molly?

Yes, I would say intensity and/or inability to cope.

 

[Morgynnmorgan]

I feel for you.

I was prescribed xanax at age 12 on varying doses until 21. At one point I was prescribed 3 xanax bars a day. (Which is unbelievable, could have killed me maybe idk but I was 17. Lost a few months of memory) well i moved at age 21 and my doctor would not honor my prescription and cut me off cold turkey. I went through withdrawals, and developed agoraphobia soon after. It lasted a whole year.

I have always wanted to reach out and help people with agoraphobia because I could find no help whatsoever.

It started with only being comfortable in the corner of my room. It took time to be comfortable in the bathroom, then the living room. I remember having a therapist visit my house and I literally hid behind a house plant, lol. It took months to be able to get to the mail box. I put myself through exposure therapy, but I felt I just kind of had to wait for my brain to rebuild what damage the xanax had done. I relearned how to live. I had to relearn how to be in a grocery store, how to handle driving a car. It was very surreal. I looked in the mirror and did not recognize myself.

I came out of it though.

I feel my agoraphobia was induced by xanax therefore I wasn't sure if I could relate enough in those who developed it naturally. In that regard, I'd love to share what I did, what helped me in hopes of could help someone else. But the truth is, each person is so vastly different and anxiety is a stress response which is different for everybody.

If anyone would like my insight on your paticular anxieties, please message me. I can share the coping skills i learned or just listen, if you want.

I would -same for me.
Well I have had it both ways .
How did u cope ?
Dm me

 

[Dizzy]

I would -same for me.
Well I have had it both ways .
How did u cope ?
Dm me

I think you need a few more posts to get private messages.

One thing that helped was having a goal, let's say being ok at the supermarket. And I would break the goal into the tiniest steps. First step would be standing by my front door. Then when I'm comfortable with that, I'd open it. Then, stand outside with the door open. Then bstabd outside with the door closed. Get in my car. Drive down the block. Drive farther down the block. Park in the parking lot. Get out ofomy car. Stand by the entrance. Go inside at the entrance. Each step, I would do until I couldn't and would repeat until I felt I could complete the next step. It took weeks of just driving to the parking lot and standing by the entrance and leaving, lol. Sometimes I would drive in little circular routes, expanding the circle a little bit more. It was repitive but it helped me adapt. You need a lot of patience with yourself. It helps if someone trusted can be there with you.

I used to curl up in the passenger seat hiding my head, listening to ocean sounds, while my mom drove in our ritualistic circles. First the small ones down our street and back, then around the street down side streets, then around the neighborhood, then down a busy street for awhile. Just to get me to my therapist. Took us like 45 mins longer than going straight there. But starting small, coming back to my safe space, provided relief and courage to take on the next small step.

That's how I did my exposure therapy. Another thing to work on is emotional regulation, coping skills, and identifing the thought processes that don't aid you.

While in my agoraphobic state I realized, without even verbalizing in my head, I was putting myself down. Its hard to explain but I was so used to putting myself down in my head that I ..I guess I internalized it, it became an automatic process in my head that triggered my anxieties. Like thinking about thinking about it. (Ever felt like your anxiety came out if no where?) That's where I was at. Realizing that helped me dig deeper into myself and I started the fake it until you make it and challenging the irrational thoughts with bogus positive thoughts. Example: *feel anxious* my thoughts: "wow I feel great!"

The fake it until you make it worked well for me for anxiety because your fight or flight response WILL end. But it hasn't helped in my depression.../:

 

[Rollo]

The fake it until you make it worked well for me for anxiety because your fight or flight response WILL end.

So these days are you at ease walking the streets, going to supermarket etc? Would you consider your anxiety issue solved?

 

[Misanthrope]

I used have pretty severe agoraphobia and social anxiety back in my youth. But I got some decent help for it. It was hard going, but eventually it led up to working with the public and giving speeches at some interesting venues. So it is possible to get to that point even if it may seem an impossibility right now. I could write up that journey if you would find it helpful?

Although Dizzy has pretty much covered the process well. Small steps and consistent exposure to the anxiety, even if it means a full blown panic attack. It is not an easy thing to do, but on the other side of it could be the experiences you want. It was keeping those experiences I wanted in mind that helped push me through the worst of it. I have not had a panic attack now in eighteen years. I hope that can give you a little hope to know some do make it beyond it. So maybe you can to.

I wish you all the best.

 

[Dizzy]

So these days are you at ease walking the streets, going to supermarket etc? Would you consider your anxiety issue solved?

Well, I get more anxious when I'm stressed. I'd say manage pretty well after what I've been through though. Still have work to do. It can be exhausting just keeping it in check.

 

[Rollo]

But I got some decent help for it. It was hard going, but eventually it led up to working with the public and giving speeches at some interesting venues.

I wonder if you working with public and giving public speeches was part of your exposure therapy, meaning you did it with a goal of improving anxiety issue, or was it something you went into just cause you wished to and was finally able to despite the anxiety?

 

[Misanthrope]

No it wasn't part of the exposure therapy. It started with simple things like going out and getting my mail. Then slowly escalating from there and exploring all the thoughts that were feeding the anxiety in the first place. Then taking those thoughts apart. Overcoming the anxiety allowed me to take up my job in the first place, or it would have been impossible. The speeches just became a side aspect of my job, one I felt passionate about. Prior to going on I was still anxious but I wasn't crippled by it any more, as my mind set had changed to an acceptance of a certain level of anxiety being natural.

I think anxiety though as a problem is very much derided. But its capacity to isolate people and leave them in a chronic state of fear and misery so they can't experience life is horrific. What is so insidious about it, is it robs you of the very thing you need to beat it. So it is a very challenging condition that is not taken seriously enough. So specialised help for it is scan't. Instead many are just offered drugs that don't tackle anything but symptomatology and throw up their own problems long term.

 

[Rollo]

No it wasn't part of the exposure therapy. It started with simple things like going out and getting my mail. Then slowly escalating from there and exploring all the thoughts that were feeding the anxiety in the first place. Then taking those thoughts apart. Overcoming the anxiety allowed me to take up my job in the first place, or it would have been impossible. The speeches just became a side aspect of my job, one I felt passionate about. Prior to going on I was still anxious but I wasn't crippled by it any more, as my mind set had changed to an acceptance of a certain level of anxiety being natural.

I think anxiety though as a problem is very much derided. But its capacity to isolate people and leave them in a chronic state of fear and misery so they can't experience life is horrific. What is so insidious about it, is it robs you of the very thing you need to beat it. So it is a very challenging condition that is not taken seriously enough. So specialised help for it is scan't. Instead many are just offered drugs that don't tackle anything but symptomatology and throw up their own problems long term.

So before you started were it your relatives who were bringing in the mail? Can you give me an example of what you mean by 'thoughts that were feeding anxiety' and what you mean by 'taking them apart'? And what is it that thing that anxiety robs you of that you need to beat it?

I myself had anxiety issues and came to a point where I consider those solved. So naturally I'm curious at to how other people who overcame it perceive the whole situation. I don't think anxiety is not taken seriously enough, it's just I think there's a limit to how much understanding and insight somebody with a formal psychological education can have on the issue when he himself never experienced what it means to go from having anxiety issues to not having them on his own skin. So for many of those all they can do is offer stuff they read about in their books, like exposure therapy, and if it fails to deliver - xanax.

 

[Rollo]

I pretty much only leave the house at night

So you feel safer on the streets at night than during the day?

 

[Jon86]

I've battled skin problems for decades, along with cold sores, I have days where I haven't been able to go out. I live alone, so I can't stay at home, although if I had the option I probably would more often.

 

[Misanthrope]

So before you started were it your relatives who were bringing in the mail? Can you give me an example of what you mean by 'thoughts that were feeding anxiety' and what you mean by 'taking them apart'? And what is it that thing that anxiety robs you of that you need to beat it?

I myself had anxiety issues and came to a point where I consider those solved. So naturally I'm curious at to how other people who overcame it perceive the whole situation. I don't think anxiety is not taken seriously enough, it's just I think there's a limit to how much understanding and insight somebody with a formal psychological education can have on the issue when he himself never experienced what it means to go from having anxiety issues to not having them on his own skin. So for many of those all they can do is offer stuff they read about in their books, like exposure therapy, and if it fails to deliver - xanax.

My aunt would bring in my mail back then.


An example of thoughts feeding anxiety, was for instance fearing going out and thinking everyone was staring at me or negatively judging me or meant violence towards me. I would get so fixated on that feeling and that potential it was paralysing. If you let those thoughts run unchallenged you just end up hiding and condemning yourself to loneliness and a hollow life lived through a computer screen. While convincing yourself this is living... It is painful place to end up. Made all the more fearful if you only use the negative media bias to inform you and tell you what exists outside your door.

To take them apart took the help of a decent therapist I came to trust. We analysed where it came from. In my case it was growing up in abusive household and my awful experiences of homelessness and being treated like shit. All of that combined meant I had no trust in people and so feared them. Going outside also provoked fear because it just brought to the surface a state of extreme vigilance I could not shut off. If you have been abused or bullied or lived a long time in a toxic environment this state of vigilance is likely your natural default state even when there is nothing near you that is actually threatening. The whole world and its shadow gets cast as potential dangers ready to strike.

To take the thoughts apart, meant looking at them. So take the feeling, like everyone was negatively judging me. My therapist simply asked how can you know? We then explored the idea of what if they are negatively judging you? How does a stranger negatively judging you affect you if they don't act on it? It could well be they are actually thinking about what flavour of pizza to pick up. How could I know that either? We then did some focused work on the cognitive distortion of mind reading and jumping to conclusions. Armed with that awareness I knew what to watch for and when those thoughts that fed anxiety cropped up I actively began challenging them while sitting with my anxiety. It started with getting the mail and developed steadily from there. That is just one example.

What I meant by it robs you of what you need to fight. Is anxiety tells you to flee and not fight. It demands you run from the source of your distress. The way to overcome the distress though is to suffer through it, so the peak dies off and you relearn that the source of your fear is not as scary as you first thought until it becomes normalised. The hard part though is going against the entirety of your biology that demands you run away and will provoke a panic attack if you don't. That is why it is so hard to beat and robs you of what you need. Because panic attacks themselves are distressing and something you also want to avoid.

I wasn't so much talking about professionals, they generally have a better grasp of anxiety. I was more talking about generalised society that views things like depression, back ache, and anxiety as some form of being weak or making excuses.

 

[Lefty]

I don't have a problem leaving my home or going out and about, though I do hate people. I also drive, but driving is really stressful for me. I really shouldn't drive, but I'm left with basiclly no choice. While I don't really have a issue with leaving home, I feel the most comfortable at home. For those wanting to overcome their agorphobia, I'd say maybe try making small walks outside your house, maybe a small loop around the neighboord or walking out to get your mail. Take small steps, then increase to bigger steps.

 

[Rollo]

My aunt would bring in my mail back then.


An example of thoughts feeding anxiety, was for instance fearing going out and thinking everyone was staring at me or negatively judging me or meant violence towards me. I would get so fixated on that feeling and that potential it was paralysing. If you let those thoughts run unchallenged you just end up hiding and condemning yourself to loneliness and a hollow life lived through a computer screen. While convincing yourself this is living... It is painful place to end up. Made all the more fearful if you only use the negative media bias to inform you and tell you what exists outside your door.

To take them apart took the help of a decent therapist I came to trust. We analysed where it came from. In my case it was growing up in abusive household and my awful experiences of homelessness and being treated like shit. All of that combined meant I had no trust in people and so feared them. Going outside also provoked fear because it just brought to the surface a state of extreme vigilance I could not shut off. If you have been abused or bullied or lived a long time in a toxic environment this state of vigilance is likely your natural default state even when there is nothing near you that is actually threatening. The whole world and its shadow gets cast as potential dangers ready to strike.

To take the thoughts apart, meant looking at them. So take the feeling, like everyone was negatively judging me. My therapist simply asked how can you know? We then explored the idea of what if they are negatively judging you? How does a stranger negatively judging you affect you if they don't act on it? It could well be they are actually thinking about what flavour of pizza to pick up. How could I know that either? We then did some focused work on the cognitive distortion of mind reading and jumping to conclusions. Armed with that awareness I knew what to watch for and when those thoughts that fed anxiety cropped up I actively began challenging them while sitting with my anxiety. It started with getting the mail and developed steadily from there. That is just one example.

What I meant by it robs you of what you need to fight. Is anxiety tells you to flee and not fight. It demands you run from the source of your distress. The way to overcome the distress though is to suffer through it, so the peak dies off and you relearn that the source of your fear is not as scary as you first thought until it becomes normalised. The hard part though is going against the entirety of your biology that demands you run away and will provoke a panic attack if you don't. That is why it is so hard to beat and robs you of what you need. Because panic attacks themselves are distressing and something you also want to avoid.

I wasn't so much talking about professionals, they generally have a better grasp of anxiety. I was more talking about generalised society that views things like depression, back ache, and anxiety as some form of being weak or making excuses.

Thank you for elaborating. So would you say your anxiety issue is resolved these days? Do these kind of thoughts still pop up and you have to counter them?

I agree that when you fear being harmed, assaulted and judged - your mind exaggerates the danger. In Russia they say 'fear has big eyes'. But I personally went a different route, I never actually countered this exaggerated thinkng (then again you probably had a more severe cause I was never so scared as to be unable to go outside). Because to me even given the exaggeration, the possibility of these things happening is still real and thus not running when anxiety tells you to always means exposing yourself to such a possibility, to danger. So I only dealt with anxiety itself, not with whether my mind exaggerates the danger.