Discussion Afraid of being gone

[AnonymouslyBlue]

The thought of suicide and ending my pain plagues me every day now. It's always there, gnawing at me and driving me just that little bit further to actually doing it.

But then as much as it pushes me, it pulls me back in moments I don't expect it to. The thought and knowledge of what would happen to those I leave behind leaves me in so much pain I can't help but banish all thoughts of ever ending it, my life.

It cripples me, knowing how much pain I will cause my family. And then I feel so stupid, so so selfish for wanting to end my own pain when I will only be inflicting so much more on the ones I love.

Does that ever happen to you? The fear of what could happen to those you leave behind makes you not want to do anything related to CTB?

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

I used to be very worried about everyone else. I'm putting off my CTB for certain holidays and birthdays and then I'm gone. It's sad that the only time I ever thought about ME was to end my life.

 

[Girobatol]

I am in that situation, as my family has been very nice to me, even in the bad times of my bipolar disorder.

 

[hobbydevil]

Yes. I assume it's very, very normal.

I worry about my sister and my parents. And my grandmas. They always worry about me, too.

Some of it is envy, too... That they get to live - even though it's my choice to end it. Sadness that after some time has passed they'll move on and make plenty of great new memories that I won't be part of anymore. Especially re: some friends. I won't be part of anything anymore.

I had a nightmare a while ago about being dead but still conscious somehow. I could watch my loved ones carry on or try to at least, but could not interact with them whatsoever. It was bad and I woke up crying and really distraught.
I try not to think about that too much.

 

[trynacbt]

Yes, I'm absolutely in that position right now. It isn't quite strong enough to stop me from wanting to ctb, but it makes every moment full of ambivalence, guilt, and discomfort. Just another reason to dislike myself, really.

 

[Cookiedough8956]

All the damn time!
I feel horrible and guilty- and makes me double think.
Honestly- bc of this. Id much rather just do it impulsively. No thinking- just done and gone and thats that.

 

[khw777]

The thought of suicide and ending my pain plagues me every day now. It's always there, gnawing at me and driving me just that little bit further to actually doing it.

But then as much as it pushes me, it pulls me back in moments I don't expect it to. The thought and knowledge of what would happen to those I leave behind leaves me in so much pain I can't help but banish all thoughts of ever ending it, my life.

It cripples me, knowing how much pain I will cause my family. And then I feel so stupid, so so selfish for wanting to end my own pain when I will only be inflicting so much more on the ones I love.

Does that ever happen to you? The fear of what could happen to those you leave behind makes you not want to do anything related to CTB?

Definitely

 

[pain in my heart]

My Ex overdosed on diazepam at my apartment last year and I can assure you, apart from the first few months after his death where I did felt anger towards him, it subdue rather quickly. Despite mentally scarring me, as I was the one who found his unconscious body and called for an ambulance, I no longer blame him. I understand that all this is his personal choice and wherever his soul is, I wish him peace.

He was heavily depressed, and constantly talked about his eventual death. It's hard to blame him when I knew how unhappy he was.

I would like to think your family would eventually understand, perhaps not immediately, but eventually.