Affair?

[Notf1xable]

I visited a long time online friend back in July. He called me less attractive in person and told me to go home sooner and I still had sex with him three times while already in a relationship, probably because I hate myself

So he negged you? Geez, I don't understand people that do that. I am guessing he knew you were already vulnerable. I don't get why people kick other people when they are already down. I'm sorry that happened to you, mind games are terrible.

 

[LonelyLight]

Personally I feel that being in a loveless relationship is a far more lonely feeling (not to mention character/ self-esteem destoying) than being single. There are so many more aspects to life that you can derive joy, satisfaction and contentment from than simple being in a relationship- especially one that makes you feel miserable- plus you could be missing out on the opportunity to meet someone else somewhere down the line...someone that is better for you in the long run...

Thank you and I know what your saying is true. Sometimes it is good and I guess those are the moments I cling to in the bad times. But your right I have often thought about what else could be for me, besides even a relationship. I was going to move to florida from ireland, I had an opportunity but I let my relationship stop me. I'm not blaming him, I'm blaming myself for not putting me first. Anyways I'm going off topic now. Thanks for understanding tho

I visited a long time online friend back in July. He called me less attractive in person and told me to go home sooner and I still had sex with him three times while already in a relationship, probably because I hate myself

Wow he sounds like a right dickhead. Don't be hard on yourself tho. We all make different mistakes for different reasons

 

[Notf1xable]

Personally I feel that being in a loveless relationship is a far more lonely feeling (not to mention character/ self-esteem destoying) than being single. There are so many more aspects to life that you can derive joy, satisfaction and contentment from than simple being in a relationship- especially one that makes you feel miserable- plus you could be missing out on the opportunity to meet someone else somewhere down the line...someone that is better for you in the long run...

I feel like it can go either way, but cheating and mind games make it worse. Relationships can be left before the mind games, cheating etc start. I wish my husband had just left when we were dating if I knew what would have happened. Years of my life I can't get back, there's a possibility I could have met a man that I could have had a good relationship with, and got married to him. I'm mad because there could have been someone else out there and I've given up on love because of it. Even if there is a possibility of someone else, it's not gonna happen cause I'm cutting my life short.

The other part that gets me is most people feel like relationships are just gonna be easy. They aren't, I mean I'm sure there are some exceptions, but life itself is difficult for most people. To have someone to go through those tough times and work on the relationship and see the hard times as something to make it a stronger one. It's like as soon as the honeymoon period is done people just say peace out. Part of it is the information we are given and our examples, but we aren't trying to change that narrative. I'd hope one day it would be where there is a time life isn't difficult for anyone, but that's not realistic. So people need to learn how to actually support each other and not just say stupid things like "it will get better".

Sorry for the rant

 

[Flightlinek]

I've been on both sides of that coin.

Eight years into a marriage--only the first four of which were good--I felt so much distance between my then-wife and me. She talked... a lot. A whole lot. I... did not. More accurately, could not. I felt isolated and unimportant, not just because of that, but it had a lot to do with it. My job moved from an office just around the corner to the other side of town, and I met a girl on that side of town who actually listened to me. It felt so good to feel like I mattered to someone, I felt almost high after I would spend time with her (in fact, I often compared her to a drug). I spent more and more time with her... talking, texting all day, even meeting up when my then-wife was at work. I guess I got careless, and we ultimately got caught. My marriage ended shortly thereafter, and the girl--who knew I was married all along--wanted nothing more to do with me after that. I felt guilty, and still have gut-wrenching guilty feelings to this day, but the amazing feelings of being listened to and having someone to actually communicate with did help me realize that the love in my marriage had changed and it just wasn't working anymore.

A while after my marriage ended, I met an amazing woman locally. She was the polar opposite of my ex-wife; my ex- was short and stocky, and she was tall and beautiful. My ex- flunked out of community college (because she wouldn't stop "telling the teacher how wrong she was") and she was finishing up her master's degree. My ex- had a low-level hourly job, and she was a senior employee with the government. She knew how to listen, and our communication was incredible. We were "together" from our very first date, and we were as tight as two people can be very, very quickly. Our relationship went on--with typical ups and downs, but mostly amazing ups--for two years, until one night she left her phone at my house. She had been as lovey and doting as always, but something felt "off," so I decided to check out her phone and see if anything was going on. It was. I won't go into detail, but someone we both knew was pushing her hard to get together for sex, and she wasn't turning him down. She made several comments about how I wasn't satisfying her, blah blah blah. I confronted her, and she owned it immediately. She swore up and down that they never actually met for sex (I believe that), and that she would never do it again. This woman is the love of my life... Im in my 40s and have never met anyone who makes me feel the way she does... so I forgave her. We're still together, and I strive to get past it... but every time she gets a text, some little piece of me wonders... and probably always will. She tells me how much shame she feels from it, how she will never do it again, how I'm the only one she wants to be with, and so on... but if I couldn't trust her then, how can I trust her now?

 

[Soulless_Angel]

I have not read the replies, too drunk to at the moment, I will share my experience, My husband just days before we married was chatting to women and flirting online, 12 years on and he still flirts, to the point of telling one women she was his perfect women and he would have married her if he could, all messages that hurt me so much. He talks to women often seeking comfort and attention, has done for the past 12 or so year's, he sees nothing wrong with it.
Last year December, he sought out white men seeking black women on facebook, claimed to me he was seeking friendship, yet the messages to other women where flirtatious and one of a man who would so go with another women if she was in front of him.
I turned to another man for advice and support, as a result I was raped... twice, I struggled, turned to someone else, somone who understood me and my concerns, offered advice and friendship, I met him for a coffee, nothing more then friends...
Fast forward a few weeks, my husband reads my phone without permission, assumes I am having a affair from snippets of messages, he put 2 and 2 together made 234435!!!
It nearly ended our marriage, I fought to hell to keep it going, I am still fighthing, but I don't know how much more I can take as he still talks to women, still flirts, and say's things that makes me realise that he is not happy with me, Just one very small part of the reason why i am on the path to CTB

 

[Soul]

Someone insightful once pointed out that you can't live a life that involves other people without getting hurt sometimes and without hurting someone sometimes.

I'm sorry so many of you have experienced distress of this kind. I've had wonderful relationships with married people, and always took respectful care to ensure their family situations weren't ill affected by it. It takes effort but it can be done gracefully.

 

[deadalready1969]

My father was a cheater, my ex was a cheater. They were both abusive men. And alcoholics. As often happens, I married a carbon copy of my father because I thought that's what relationships were supposed to look like. I'm not here because of the cheating. I'm here because of the emotional, mental and physical abuse that led to PTSD. And depression and anxiety, which go along with that. I've been sexually abused three times as well, once by a hospital worker. Some things become too much for the mind and body to bear. My traumas have not only impacted my mental health but my physical health as well.

 

[HitchHiker]

My father cheated on my mother multiple times, it caused so much devastation and pain. I have serious trust issues because of this and my greatest fear is being cheated on by my partner. Somehow I keep it under wraps and he isn't aware of how much anxiety I have over it.

If you aren't happy in a relationship or marriage, the right thing to do is end it.

I have not read the replies, too drunk to at the moment, I will share my experience, My husband just days before we married was chatting to women and flirting online, 12 years on and he still flirts, to the point of telling one women she was his perfect women and he would have married her if he could, all messages that hurt me so much. He talks to women often seeking comfort and attention, has done for the past 12 or so year's, he sees nothing wrong with it.
Last year December, he sought out white men seeking black women on facebook, claimed to me he was seeking friendship, yet the messages to other women where flirtatious and one of a man who would so go with another women if she was in front of him.
I turned to another man for advice and support, as a result I was raped... twice, I struggled, turned to someone else, somone who understood me and my concerns, offered advice and friendship, I met him for a coffee, nothing more then friends...
Fast forward a few weeks, my husband reads my phone without permission, assumes I am having a affair from snippets of messages, he put 2 and 2 together made 234435!!!
It nearly ended our marriage, I fought to hell to keep it going, I am still fighthing, but I don't know how much more I can take as he still talks to women, still flirts, and say's things that makes me realise that he is not happy with me, Just one very small part of the reason why i am on the path to CTB

I'm so sorry you are treated this way, he does not deserve you.

 

[Alchemist]

I can't say. If I had a gf though, I would expect her to cheat on me eventually. It would be a matter of time. I am the sort of loser who deserves it so I couldn't even complain about it.

I think the OP has already answered her question by the fact she's asking. And it's not a choice between her current situation and aloneness as she imagines it. It will not be difficult for a 25 year old woman to move on to another relationship very quickly. Literally within two weeks. Women do not know what aloneness actualy is.

Please don't quote.
Please don't quote.
Please don't quote.
Please don't quote.

Or maybe stand for your opinion instead of just deleting them. In my country we call that throwing the stone and hiding the hand.

Now, regarding the topic, cheating is absolutely wrong and both people who do it are despicable. Sadly loyalty is not a thing anymore.

 

[seekingoblivion]

Kinda makes me wonder what's the point of wanting to be in a relationship. I've never been in one but it's incredible how common cheating is. I kinda feel like I'm a guy who could get cheated on.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Someone insightful once pointed out that you can't live a life that involves other people without getting hurt sometimes and without hurting someone sometimes.

I'm sorry so many of you have experienced distress of this kind. I've had wonderful relationships with married people, and always took respectful care to ensure their family situations weren't ill affected by it. It takes effort but it can be done gracefully.

I cant agree with this- whilst I dont blame you - in other words 'the other' in an affair- I blame the ones that are married or in a relationship-the fact that they are actively cheating is a slap in the face to any value their relationship has ever previously had & is an ultimate act of disrespect for that person (which involves a huge amount of deception to carry out) - that family will always be effected by it, even if on a level that is not perceivable on a surface level- nope if you are not happy or unsatisfied - dont be a coward and cheat - be honest, confront it & part with that person- that go off to as many partners as you please- my belief is that cheating and lying will always be more damaging in the long term than breaking up with someone could ever be.

 

[LonelyLight]

I have not read the replies, too drunk to at the moment, I will share my experience, My husband just days before we married was chatting to women and flirting online, 12 years on and he still flirts, to the point of telling one women she was his perfect women and he would have married her if he could, all messages that hurt me so much. He talks to women often seeking comfort and attention, has done for the past 12 or so year's, he sees nothing wrong with it.
Last year December, he sought out white men seeking black women on facebook, claimed to me he was seeking friendship, yet the messages to other women where flirtatious and one of a man who would so go with another women if she was in front of him.
I turned to another man for advice and support, as a result I was raped... twice, I struggled, turned to someone else, somone who understood me and my concerns, offered advice and friendship, I met him for a coffee, nothing more then friends...
Fast forward a few weeks, my husband reads my phone without permission, assumes I am having a affair from snippets of messages, he put 2 and 2 together made 234435!!!
It nearly ended our marriage, I fought to hell to keep it going, I am still fighthing, but I don't know how much more I can take as he still talks to women, still flirts, and say's things that makes me realise that he is not happy with me, Just one very small part of the reason why i am on the path to CTB

I am so sorry for everything you've been through, that is so tough!! The fact he made a huge deal from snippets of messages, to me, shows he is definitely guilty of something, something he sees in the messages that he knows led to whatever... a guilty person will always accuse off the handle, in my opinion

Someone insightful once pointed out that you can't live a life that involves other people without getting hurt sometimes and without hurting someone sometimes.

I'm sorry so many of you have experienced distress of this kind. I've had wonderful relationships with married people, and always took respectful care to ensure their family situations weren't ill affected by it. It takes effort but it can be done gracefully.

Have you ever gotten feelings for that person tho and wanted more? Or have you always been able to cut it off when it had to be done?

Kinda makes me wonder what's the point of wanting to be in a relationship. I've never been in one but it's incredible how common cheating is. I kinda feel like I'm a guy who could get cheated on.

It always seems to be a case of one person wanting it more than the other. In an ideal world both people would want it just as bad and work just as hard as each other to make it work, but in the real world.... it's rare.

 

[seekingoblivion]

It always seems to be a case of one person wanting it more than the other. In an ideal world both people would want it just as bad and work just as hard as each other to make it work, but in the real world.... it's rare.

Yes. And I feel like I'd always want it more. It's all just hypothetical anyway ain't non of it happening for me it would seem.

 

[Soul]

Have you ever gotten feelings for that person tho and wanted more? Or have you always been able to cut it off when it had to be done?

I always had feelings for them, and have always ended things gracefully. They're relationships I can look back on with no resentment or cringing or anger. A nice warm little "what if" sentiment is a good feeling compared to a lot of the ways relationships end.

And not to try to argue with anyone's feelings about these things, but I'm not convinced that telling my partner "you're inadequate to satisfy my needs, so goodbye" is more loving and caring than a temporary affair with someone who's not going to wreck anyone's marriage. Sexual fidelity isn't everyone's priority. And honesty is often unnecessarily hurtful.

It's important that partners have complementary expectations and take care to respect each other and do no harm. In my view.

 

[azucaramargo]

I have not read the replies, too drunk to at the moment, I will share my experience, My husband just days before we married was chatting to women and flirting online, 12 years on and he still flirts, to the point of telling one women she was his perfect women and he would have married her if he could, all messages that hurt me so much. He talks to women often seeking comfort and attention, has done for the past 12 or so year's, he sees nothing wrong with it.
Last year December, he sought out white men seeking black women on facebook, claimed to me he was seeking friendship, yet the messages to other women where flirtatious and one of a man who would so go with another women if she was in front of him.
I turned to another man for advice and support, as a result I was raped... twice, I struggled, turned to someone else, somone who understood me and my concerns, offered advice and friendship, I met him for a coffee, nothing more then friends...
Fast forward a few weeks, my husband reads my phone without permission, assumes I am having a affair from snippets of messages, he put 2 and 2 together made 234435!!!
It nearly ended our marriage, I fought to hell to keep it going, I am still fighting, but I don't know how much more I can take as he still talks to women, still flirts, and say's things that makes me realise that he is not happy with me, Just one very small part of the reason why i am on the path to CTB

Reading about your plight breaks my heart. You shouldn't have to put up with this. I know I'm just an anonymous person on the Internet-- not in the thick of it like you. But, that just seems like the cruelest way to treat someone. I really hope life is better now. As a disclaimer, I've never been married, so I don't know anything about the dynamics of a marriage. Hope you don't think I'm passing judgement or being pedantic. I have a married friend who discovered a text message from her husband -- a new father -- to one of her graduate-school classmates, saying he couldn't live without her [the classmate]. I mention that only to let you know this kind of extra-marital flirtation hurtful stuff I guess is not unheard of. I am so sorry that this animal took advantage of you when you most needed support. It just kind of makes me feel very bad about mankind.

I used to work for this quadriplegic woman; she is a book critic who lives in a really nice part of Boston. Always impeccably dressed: make up, hair, jewelry. One morning when she was out doing errands, her motorized wheelchair stopped working. She sat for half an hour in the middle of the Boston street (right in Kenmore Square), asking people if they could call 911 for her. No one did anything. Eventually the doorman of her building saw her, and ran out to her. When I heard that I had to sit down. I just couldn't believe people could be like that. All she asked was for people to call 911 on her behalf. That's it. Takes maybe 2 minutes. Yeah, maybe people were late to work, but seriously! I just couldn't fathom that that many people in that much time in that busy part of the city-- that no one stopped to do anything. To make a phone call and keep walking even. It made me sick. And, I feel sick to read about the behavior of your husband and your would-be confidante. It's just too much. Sorry to have made this post all about me. Just in a mood. I hope you are out there feeling good. I send you love.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

Reading about your plight breaks my heart. You shouldn't have to put up with this. I know I'm just an anonymous person on the Internet-- not in the thick of it like you. But, that just seems like the cruelest way to treat someone. I really hope life is better now. As a disclaimer, I've never been married, so I don't know anything about the dynamics of a marriage. Hope you don't think I'm passing judgement or being pedantic. I have a married friend who discovered a text message from her husband -- a new father -- to one of her graduate-school classmates, saying he couldn't live without her [the classmate]. I mention that only to let you know this kind of extra-marital flirtation hurtful stuff I guess is not unheard of. I am so sorry that this animal took advantage of you when you most needed support. It just kind of makes me feel very bad about mankind.

Thank you for your kind words, I kinda updated someting on here the other day, but no one replied (which I respect,) but no life is not better, in fact it's worse :(
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/how-do-you-take-the-path-when-you-are-being-watched.26308/

 

[SoupSnakes]

My husband left me and only after, I found out he had been cheating on me and he had gotten the other woman pregnant. I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone and I certainly wouldn't do it to anyone else.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

My husband left me and only after, I found out he had been cheating on me and he had gotten the other woman pregnant. I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone and I certainly wouldn't do it to anyone else.

wow ouch :( what a assshat!!!

 

[LonelyLight]

My husband left me and only after, I found out he had been cheating on me and he had gotten the other woman pregnant. I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone and I certainly wouldn't do it to anyone else.

That's awful, I'm so sorry

 

[Santiago]

Those who cheat are scum. Don't care who you are or why you did it.

Those are people I try to avoid at all costs in my life.

 

[azucaramargo]

Thank you for your kind words, I kinda updated someting on here the other day, but no one replied (which I respect,) but no life is not better, in fact it's worse :(
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/how-do-you-take-the-path-when-you-are-being-watched.26308/

Sorry I missed that. Just a few mins, please.

My husband left me and only after, I found out he had been cheating on me and he had gotten the other woman pregnant. I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone and I certainly wouldn't do it to anyone else.

We need a vomiting emoticon. How terrible, SoupSnakes! I'm so glad he's someone else's problem now. xoxoox

 

[Woodnote]

I don't understand affairs. Just leave. I've never been in a relationship. I'm lonely as hell but I'd rather be alone than be in a relationship that's a lie.

 

[azucaramargo]

My recent ex went away for work for a month or so months back and got incredibly high and has sex with another woman. I took him back because I loved.. And still love him, but he left me in August. We remained friends and he was horrible to me since. Heard and saw evidence he was on dating apps already and cut ties. He has no idea I'll be gone soon. It changed my relationship with him until it ended. And even to this day.

He said to me "She wasn't even pretty." So I wasn't good enough at home that you had sex with a woman you deemed unattractive. This will be on my mind to the very end... Unfortunately. I can't let go of traumas like these because of my conditions..

Un-freaking-real. You are galaxies above this person, SS.

So he negged you? Geez, I don't understand people that do that. I am guessing he knew you were already vulnerable. I don't get why people kick other people when they are already down. I'm sorry that happened to you, mind games are terrible.

This thread is breaking me.

Relationships can be left before the mind games, cheating etc start.

You SAID it!

 

[Moony21]

I met my big love when I was 18 years old (I had Relationships before). He was 10 years older than me. We met in a night club. After showing up a few times together in the city, people were like warning me from him. When I was a child i was raised by really cold people I never felt love before, i don't fall after a date in love, thats what im trying to say.

People were telling me: you are to nice for a guy like this blah blah, he's a player, he drives a Ferrari (we started dating in November, so the car was in a deep-winter-sleep and he was never talking about cars or what he own, only from the people around).
even though he was a successful man with fortunes, I learned not to be wasteful of him. He never tried to impress with thing like that, so for me it didn't matter.
I felt at home with him. The very first time in my life. I was happy to see him for four years, like we were still in rhe first 3 monts of a relationship. My enthusiasm and my opinion about him as a human has never diminished. Even when I saw him 1.5 years ago from now on a event my puls went on 190 and i really couldn't stop smiling. BUT after a horrible time after he left me, I am happy to know he isn't my problem these days now. I never wanted to be so dependent to anybody ever again!!

back to Our relationship:
One day he asked me on the phone (before flying to Miami for 3 weeks with his friend) if it would be alright if he can have women abroad? (Only abroad lol)

I was too young and too insecure to say that it would break my heart. so I continued the year and lost myself every day and every holiday more and more...I idolized him and one day he left me. AT LEAST, he had honestly asked me (for my permission to cheat). But anyway it was hurtful and changed my mind of love forever. I am married but I am sure that 30% of people in Relationship are cheating and it's ok these days. There are other things who bring me down.