Venting Advice for an unsalvageable loser?

[Mint Floss]

I guess I just really don't know what to do.

Mentally ill autistic failure, possible cluster b, still don't have a highschool diploma at 20 (I feel behind and in order to graduate I have to tech myself all of high school math and I have motivation issues and possible intellectual disabilities), complete social incompetent (never had close friends, feel frustrated and confused around other people + tendency to be manipulative and annoying). I feel like there's no way up for me, so I might as well go 6 feet under.

I don't have access to any kind of treatment. I'm under nearly constant surveillance and I can't drive and I don't have any money. I doubt I could hold a job. I still feel like a small child and I feel helpless and scared any time I try to do things on my own. I've never gotten any advice outside of a vague 'seek help' that as I've explained is not an option for me. I am not close with anyone outside of my household I'm tired of being told to try things that don't work. I cannot exist without hurting people. I want to die while I'm still young enough for people to feel some kind of pity for me. But I don't really want to die. I want things to end before they get worse, but my own narcissism prevents me from dying. I'm stuck in limbo, and I want to leave.

Point being, I don't want to stay like this. If you have any advice for either getting better or worse it would be appreciated

 

[Forever Sleep]

Welcome to the forum. I hope you can find some solace here.

It sounds like you have an awful lot to deal with and, an awful lot holding you back. I can appreciate how it all looks like an impossible struggle.

I suppose if you are still open to some form of recovery and improvement then- it does seem worth pursuing that first. If any motivation to try is there.

Maybe you need to research into the specifics though. Do you think your parents (presumably) would support you in things that might help? Maybe you need to be specific about- I'd like to try this therapist/ this course rather than a more vague plea for help. I've found my parents were generally more supportive when it looked like I was taking control over my life and making positive decisions.

If you're open to trying to find work- maybe you could look at whether there are places set up to help those with autism etc. I truly don't know. I've worked with people with varying disabilities before though. The company I worked for seemingly ran programmes to help less abled people in to work. They received more training and had a specific person to assist them.

It's not to say it would necessarily make you happy but, without trying, it's hard to know. That goes for most things I think. I think you have reasonable concerns about your future but, without trying things, it's hard to know whether you will always struggle, or whether some things might improve.

 

[hikikomorizombie]

I guess I just really don't know what to do.

Mentally ill autistic failure, possible cluster b, still don't have a highschool diploma at 20 (I feel behind and in order to graduate I have to tech myself all of high school math and I have motivation issues and possible intellectual disabilities), complete social incompetent (never had close friends, feel frustrated and confused around other people + tendency to be manipulative and annoying). I feel like there's no way up for me, so I might as well go 6 feet under.

I don't have access to any kind of treatment. I'm under nearly constant surveillance and I can't drive and I don't have any money. I doubt I could hold a job. I still feel like a small child and I feel helpless and scared any time I try to do things on my own. I've never gotten any advice outside of a vague 'seek help' that as I've explained is not an option for me. I am not close with anyone outside of my household I'm tired of being told to try things that don't work. I cannot exist without hurting people. I want to die while I'm still young enough for people to feel some kind of pity for me. But I don't really want to die. I want things to end before they get worse, but my own narcissism prevents me from dying. I'm stuck in limbo, and I want to leave.

Point being, I don't want to stay like this. If you have any advice for either getting better or worse it would be appreciated

My philosophy might help u or be ur final straw. We don't have similar situations besides being societal failures & nothing & no one helping. 3 years of isolation & searching for the truth has though. I think I finally pieced tg the truth abt humanity, & I corroborated that thought in other works, but ik that sounds batshit

Feel free to dm me about it if you want! Good luck out here