Adult children of maternal/paternal suicide

[BabyBirch]

My mama was a member here. She CTB'd on June 7th. I'm 31 but was living with her since finishing college due to an ongoing battle with Lyme Disease and many if its accompanying co-infections.

We lived together. She was all I had. She tried to kill herself four years before I was born. She said she never felt that way again after she had me and my brothers. She was "chainsaw guy". The whole time she was hugging me and watching TV with me, she was orchestrating her death. She promised me she would never leave me sick and alone. I had to pack up and move just days after she died. I had to crowdfund to pay for moving costs and a storage unit. I moved 200 miles to be closer to my job. I was laid off two weeks ago. I have no reason to be in this area, am all alone, and I can't find anybody who lost a parent to suicide that had the kind of relationship we did. All my hair is falling out and the stress and trauma is making my health much worse. I have no family here besides a distant cousin, in his 50s. I know she loved me and she wanted me to be happy, but she left me in a nightmare. I saw her right before she left to jump and she said she was just going to go see patients. I want hope but I feel like a part of my spirit has been amputated. She abandoned me. This is not my first suicide loss, but she was the whole reason I exist. I feel like she took all the love out of the world. Is anybody else here because they lost a parent to suicide?

 

[timf]

I lost a grandfather to suicide. I cannot imagine the pain you are in. To be so alone and in such dire circumstances is unimaginable. There are support groups for survivors of suicide. I would suggest reaching out to whoever you can to find support. There are good people here who are sensitive to your pain, but you may also want to find someone in your location with whom you could connect face to face.

If you contact churches, you may wish to try smaller ones as they may be more inclined to meet you as an individual rather than attempting to work you into some program. If you reach out to social services, you may not get much in the way of emotional support, but they may be able to help with things like rent and health care.

It sounds like your world narrowed down to a single point and then the rug got pulled out from under you. Most people are born and raised in a fabric of life that weaves them into the lives of many others. Since you are facing starting almost from scratch, you will have to search out those with whom you can connect to build new relationships. This is difficult enough without the disadvantages you face.

I want to offer encouragement and acknowledge the strength you have already shown as proof that you can make it. Your situation may be such that it would discourage the superficial from attempting relationships with you that would prove to be disappointing. You may find that those who reach out to you when things are the worst may end up being those whose friendship has lasting value.

 

[Lordsudbury]

My father CTB last year , but I never knew him. regardless, his act psychologically makes suicide justifiable to me and when I am feeling low it normalizes my train of thought that goes down that path.

 

[WhiteDespair]

My mother CtB 10 years ago. It' taken me this long to get things straight in my head. The first few years I would miss her at holidays. That faded. I was numb for a month when she died. That also faded.

We had an antagonistic relationship so I was glad she died. That kinda faded.

I'm left with these three things:
1. I didn't cause her to CtB. I may have given her a reason to CtB but she acted on her own. She probably felt like it for a while.
2. It was the best day of my life because I was freed from the abuse.
3. I recognize the love she showed in what she said was her reason to CtB.

It'll take time to get things straightened out in your head. You'll probably learn things as well. I picked up the police report from her CtB recently which gave me a better view of what happened.