ADHD was not the only reason but a big part of it.

[panda55]

Planning to CTB shortly and I wrote a long note to my partner to explain everything. Long story short I'm blind in one eye and my other eye is going bad too. So I'm leaving before I become a complete liability for my loved ones. But that is not the only reason I am relieved to go. An issue that plagued me longer than my eye was my ADHD. Because of it I never got to fulfill all my dreams and goals. Those who have will understand but those who don't it's basically like your mind wants to do one thing but your body will not listen. So all my life I've basically just been battling myself and feeling l like a failure. So many other symptoms with ADHD too like Rejection Sensitivity Disorder and Impulsive Thinking. All these things caused constant bad decisions and made it very hard to live like a normal adult.

Why did I decide to post this? Because I feel like some of us were never meant for this world. I'm not even being emo, it is just facts. When I saw my coworkers being able to sit down to work for several hours without having to get up, that was completely foreign to me. Same with being able to prioritize important things that needed to be done. To someone like me it would never be important until it absolutely needed. Most times I feel like an alien on this planet. And no, medication never really changed much, I tried many.

I never chose to have this, was just born with it. And nature kinda just rolls the dice on these things. My sister doesn't have it and has a very successful career and set future. I'm not trying to make an excuse for me or for you, but just know when you don't feel like you don't belong on this planet, many of us totally understand. Life is like poker, a lot of decisions we make in the hand has already been determined by the cards we were dealt. End of my ted talk, but I hope you all find peace here one day or elsewhere if need be.

Feel free to share your own story if you relate with this.

 

[enjoythesilence]

My life has also been completely ruined by ADHD symptoms, and in so many stealthy ways. The thing that guts me is that I was almost clueless about my condition for so long; I could see and suffer the fallout - unemployment, college failure, broken relationships, internal agitation, and all the other nice things - but I couldn't grasp what was wrong. It got too foggy and confusing all the time. It was only when I tried medication (someone else's) that I realized how dysfunctional my natural-born brain is and tried to get help. But ultimately medication isn't enough; my faulty internal mechanisms are still there regardless dragging me down and I don't want to be a medical guinea pig. It's not worth it and I can't stand it.

I've been researching CTB methods off and on for years and I'm starting to worry I don't have the executive function to follow through - all those things to hold in your mind, and coordinate hand to brain, at the right place, at the right time. Why haven't I just done it already? This condition is a true disability, a locked-in syndrome, where you can't self-determine in life, then you can't even self-determine towards a much-wanted death. But the desperation gets stronger each quarter and, like you, I have health problems getting worse on top so it will come to pass somehow, somewhere, eventually. Like you. Peace.