Discussion Addicted to cutting myself

[ProhibereDolor]

I wasn't sure where to place this so I picked discussion. So I've been cutting myself since I was 16, so that makes 17 years. Sometimes I go through dry spells where nothing happens for months and then I hit what I can only describe as a "binge". Something sets off my bipolar craziness and not only do I cut in order to cope but I also love the endorphin boost. I don't do it solely for the semi-euphoria. It stops when the issue has resolved and it goes back to being dormant(the urge to cut.) So the question I put to you, my friends, is: Do any of you think cutting is a good coping mechanism while waiting for the right time to ctb? Or should I just use the emotions to hasten my way to ctb and leave the cutting out of it? I have seriously been mulling over this conundrum. Serious replies only pls as I don't usually open my mouth unless it has been carefully thought through. This is not a cry for attention. I am just curious as to what the rest of you think on this subject.

P.S. This is my first actual thread post and not just a reply to someone else. So please excuse me if I tagged this wrong or put it in the wrong thread.

 

[ProhibereDolor]

Thank you for the welcome.

I absolutely agree with it not being a positive mechanism but at the same time I have to wonder if something that allows you to get by for another day or week or year, while destructive, couldn't it be viewed as constructive? That's where I run into a damn paradox. Sometimes it is a life or death type of thing. And while I would be at peace deciding to ctb, at any time now, but I have a child and I don't want to leave her without a father. Doing so would make me a helluva selfish person to not put her first. That's just my opinion. I do not judge anyone when they decide it's time to go. Just in my situation I think it would be far more destructive to her than constructive for me to ctb until she is much older. She has a step dad who could step in, and while I appreciate what he has done for her but dammit, I'm gonna be the one walking her down the aisle. Phew, I should have tagged this as venting as well. I suck at punctuation, I know.

 

[PatKat]

Thank you for the welcome.

I absolutely agree with it not being a positive mechanism but at the same time I have to wonder if something that allows you to get by for another day or week or year, while destructive, couldn't it be viewed as constructive? That's where I run into a damn paradox. Sometimes it is a life or death type of thing. And while I would be at peace deciding to ctb, at any time now, but I have a child and I don't want to leave her without a father. Doing so would make a helluva selfish person to not put her first. That's just my opinion. I do not judge anyone when they decide it's time to go. Just in my situation I think it would be far more destructive to her than constructive for me to ctb until she is much older. She has a step dad who could step in, and while I appreciate what he has done for her but dammit, I'm gonna be the one walking her down the aisle. Phew, I should have tagged this as venting as well.

By chance have you ever heard about BPD, I am not a doctor or anything by any means. Just curious if anyone has ever talked to you about it?

 

[ProhibereDolor]

By chance have you ever heard about BPD, I am not a doctor or anything by any means. Just curious if anyone has ever talked to you about it?

Do you mean borderline personality disorder? Yes I have and I see where you're going with this. I fit the bill pretty well but none of my doctors or fnps have diagnosed me with it. It doesn't help that I have to go to a facility contracted under my state medicaid. I personally am not insured by the state. I have federal govt issued insurance. But here in my city there isn't a lot to choose from. The place I go is a revolving door of docs and fnps. I have been going there since I was 18. And the only have me as smi with bipolar & generalized anxiety blah blah blah. They aren't keen on really getting to the root of your problems. I mean hell, I can't attend groups there like the art group etc etc, because my insurance doesn't pay for them only state medicaid does. I also cannot see a therapist. Someone to talk to and not just have them throw drugs at your mouth and see what sticks. Again, not covered by my insurance. I have no case manager because take a guess.... Insurance won't pay for one. In just the past 5 years alone I have been switched to 7(I'm not kidding)nurse practitioners and 3 actual docs. You get switched so much that you don't have a chance to build a good relationship with your "provider" as they are called. My primary care provider is there as well just because it's easier with pcp and psych under the same roof. But the revolving door strikes again. And again. And again. Mental health care is a joke in my state and city. So that's a long winded answer to your question

 

[PatKat]

Do you mean borderline personality disorder? Yes I have and I see where you're going with this. I fit the bill pretty well but none of my doctors or fnps have diagnosed me with it. It doesn't help that I have to go to a facility contracted under my state medicaid. I personally am not insured by the state. I have govt issued insurance. But here in my city there isn't a lot to choose from. The place I go is a revolving door of docs and fnps. I have been going there since I was 18. And the only have me as smi with bipolar & generalized anxiety blah blah blah. They aren't keen on really getting to the root of your problems. I mean hell, I can't attend groups there like the art group etc etc, because my insurance doesn't pay for them only state medicaid does. I also cannot see a therapist. Someone to talk to and not just have them throw drugs at your mouth and see what sticks. Again, not covered by my insurance. I have no case manager because take a guess.... Insurance won't pay for one. In just the past 5 years alone I have been switched to 7(I'm not kidding)nurse practitioners and 3 actual docs. You get switched so much that you don't have a chance to build a good relationship with your "provider" as they are called. My primary care provider is there as well just because it's easier with pcp and psych under the same roof. But the revolving door strikes again. And again. And again. Mental health care is a joke in my state and city. So that's a long winded answer to your question

That is insane you have switched providers that much! It takes me a long time to begin to trust a doctor when I have one. Honestly mental healthcare is a joke everywhere and I am currently waiting for SSDI and/or Medicade. Pretty sure i gave up on Medicade at this point. The lack of care In this world. Physical health they are not legally allowed to decline service, but mental health they are. People go to the ER all the time and tell them they are suicidal and they get denied and go shoot themselves, or hang themselves. It's a sick corrupt system and it's only about money.

 

[ProhibereDolor]

That is insane you have switched providers that much! It takes me a long time to begin to trust a doctor when I have one. Honestly mental healthcare is a joke everywhere and I am currently waiting for SSDI and/or Medicade. Pretty sure i gave up on Medicade at this point. The lack of care In this world. Physical health they are not legally allowed to decline service, but mental health they are. People go to the ER all the time and tell them they are suicidal and they get denied and go shoot themselves, or hang themselves. It's a sick corrupt system and it's only about money.

Wholeheartedly agree. It takes me a long time to come to trust a doctor as well. Medicaid is in shambles in my state. I'm lucky because my daughter is covered through mine. But yes, it is really hard to swallow the pill of people being turned away at hospitals when they are basically wearing a huge neon sign saying "about to expire" and they don't care. And sadly the victim's family can't do much against the hospital because all a doc has to do is say "we evaluated them and they seemed OK". And the matter is settled. It's sad we have to turn to this website(I am by no means saying this in a derogatory manner. I love the community that is here together.) for support and have people we've never met treat us with more compassion and understanding than a friggin' doctor. And you hit the nail right on the head: if there is no money in it, then people don't want it. It's all money money money, more more more. It brings to mind that old cartoon where bugs bunny and daffy pop out of a tunnel and they are in a room full of treasure. I basically see 99% of the population acting like daffy with the "mine mine mine!!! Down down down!! Go go go!!!" as he stomps on bugs' head to force him back into the tunnel. Best episode ever.

 

[JJ-NOHOPE]

Ok, so I don't know what is the right thing for you to do, but...

I am a cutter. Not a chronic one. I did it a little as an adolescent, then started doing it recently again (in my 50's), as a response to finding myself in a chasm of torment and despair.

Of course my friends and family were horrified. My response was that just maybe the cutting is actually keeping me alive. If I'm cutting today, it probably means I'm not killing myself.

I expect that if I somehow do climb out of this chasm, my cutting will go dormant again. It did for over 35 years after all.

It's not a healthy coping mechanism, but when it's a life or death situation fuck healthy.

Maybe there are better ways. You might want to try to see a therapist. Just be super careful. Do NOT show them your scars/wounds or talk about that too much especially at first. I was put in a psych ward because of mine, even though they aren't supposed to be able to do that. Some therapists use a sliding scale if you don't have insurance.

I can tell you that I have cut much less often the last 4 months since I started dealing with some of the childhood trauma that I avoided for 42 years. But there are still bad days.

You decide what is best for you. Why is it really any worse than alcohol? You get a physical scar, but I like that. That is proof to me that this shit, this chasm is real. I'm not making it up or exaggerating it.

 

[Severen]

Once me and a girlfriend of mine, cut ourselves so we could drink each other's blood and we both felt kind of high afterwards. Are you doing it for that high feeling?