Accepting my death before i die

[MisterOGBongWater]

My life will never be the same again and im very slowly learning to accept my reality and in turn my inevitable suicide. Feels like im already mouring myself. soon ill start giving my stuff away. ill save up some money for funeral costs for whoever is left with the burden, etc etc etc. Whatever. why am i even talking about it i dont know. i guess i want someone to stop me but at the same time id hate them if they did. this is no way to live the rest of my life. i quit

 

[Linda]

Don't give your stuff away until you are 100% certain that you will ctb.
What method do you plan to use.

 

[MisterOGBongWater]

Don't give your stuff away until you are 100% certain that you will ctb.
What method do you plan to use.

ill never be 100% about it, but my life wont change in the way i need done, so im accepting that even though suicide may not be what i truly want, its the next best thing now. as for method shotgun to the dome, i live in america lol

 

[Linda]

ill never be 100% about it, but my life wont change in the way i need done, so im accepting that even though suicide may not be what i truly want, its the next best thing now. as for method shotgun to the dome, i live in america lol

OK, but if not 100% then you need to be close to 100%. You don't want to finish up alive but with no possessions.
I presume you know how to ctb effectively with a shotgun. (Some people have done it the wrong way and succeeded only in blowing off their face.)
How did you get to this situation?

 

[MisterOGBongWater]

OK, but if not 100% then you need to be close to 100%. You don't want to finish up alive but with no possessions.
I presume you know how to ctb effectively with a shotgun. (Some people have done it the wrong way and succeeded only in blowing off their face.)
How did you get to this situation?

id say im 80-90% sure. but that only comes from me still hoping a miracle will be afforded to me. but i know it wont
yes i do know how and im more than familiar with the guns themselves so shouldnt be an issue, only truly effective method imo as long as you dont aim for your face.

I got here because i was a selfish bastard liar for years and i lost the love of my life over it. i was too caught up in my own pity to see what i had and i betrayed her countless times. shes gone now. not coming back, i dont deserve her to anyway. Way i see it i deserve this because of that alone, but from a selfish point of view, i cant do life otherwise. ill never forgive myself

 

[Linda]

id say im 80-90% sure. but that only comes from me still hoping a miracle will be afforded to me. but i know it wont
yes i do know how and im more than familiar with the guns themselves so shouldnt be an issue, only truly effective method imo as long as you dont aim for your face.

I got here because i was a selfish bastard liar for years and i lost the love of my life over it. i was too caught up in my own pity to see what i had and i betrayed her countless times. shes gone now. not coming back, i dont deserve her to anyway. Way i see it i deserve this because of that alone, but from a selfish point of view, i cant do life otherwise. ill never forgive myself

Can't you find another woman? There are lots of them out there. We all make mistakes, but you just have to move on from them.

 

[MisterOGBongWater]

Can't you find another woman? There are lots of them out there. We all make mistakes, but you just have to move on from them.

this was not an a replaceable love. it was basically me and her since we were 13. shes my soulmate and my best friend. shes the love of my life and there isnt room to love another woman. im purely dedicated to her with my love. i wasnt dedicated to her with my sexual activity though and i ruined our relationship over it. the inability to forgive myself combined with the loss of my other half is an unbearable pain comparable to mouring the dead. ill never move past it.

 

[catsandbows]

If this was triggered by losing a girl, I would STRONGLY advise you to wait before making this decision. Heartbreak / grief makes us think different. Yu need to Give it time. How recent was the breakup?

 

[BARIZON]

this was not an a replaceable love. it was basically me and her since we were 13. shes my soulmate and my best friend. shes the love of my life and there isnt room to love another woman. im purely dedicated to her with my love. i wasnt dedicated to her with my sexual activity though and i ruined our relationship over it. the inability to forgive myself combined with the loss of my other half is an unbearable pain comparable to mouring the dead. ill never move past it.

When we are truly bonded with someone and lose them, the suffering can't be put into words. Many people even consider suicide over it. But I'm sure that when you observed similar cases from the outside, you knew that the people involved would eventually move on. You must be in strong emotional pain right now, blaming yourself for ruining the beautiful and long relationship you had, and there were probably other problems in your life that made everything just too much to handle.

But please, give yourself time. Prioritize yourself now. Try to meditate and exercise; burn all that anger and frustration with sweat. This may seem like stupid advice, but it works. To be in a happy relationship, we must first love ourselves; that's fundamental.

I'm very sleepy right now, almost gone, but we could talk tomorrow. I hope you stay with us; things are going to work out.

 

[MisterOGBongWater]

If this was triggered by losing a girl, I would STRONGLY advise you to wait before making this decision. Heartbreak / grief makes us think different. Yu need to Give it time. How recent was the breakup?

ive felt this way for 10 years, since i was a little kid, ironically since then i met her and her presence always silenced it. this is just the straw that broke the camels back

 

[catsandbows]

ive felt this way for 10 years, since i was a little kid, ironically since then i met her and her presence always silenced it. this is just the straw that broke the camels back

Have you maybe tried talking to other people? Even just for temporary distraction.

 

[MisterOGBongWater]

When we are truly bonded with someone and lose them, the suffering can't be put into words. Many people even consider suicide over it. But I'm sure that when you observed similar cases from the outside, you knew that the people involved would eventually move on. You must be in strong emotional pain right now, blaming yourself for ruining the beautiful and long relationship you had, and there were probably other problems in your life that made everything just too much to handle.

But please, give yourself time. Prioritize yourself now. Try to meditate and exercise; burn all that anger and frustration with sweat. This may seem like stupid advice, but it works. To be in a happy relationship, we must first love ourselves; that's fundamental.

I'm very sleepy right now, almost gone, but we could talk tomorrow. I hope you stay with us; things are going to work out.

I love her so badly that the idea of ever moving on or any reality where were not together is too painful to even consider and sends me into a full blown panic attack. i dont think ur advice is stupid. i just cant see how working on myself will help u know. nothing will bring her back. everything i do from now till death now has no meaning or benefit

Have you maybe tried talking to other people? Even just for temporary distraction.

dont even feel i should. i messed things up by doing stuff like that. i dont wanna use and hurt anyone else and lie to them while im still in love with my ex, plus that would just make her think i moved on and negate the chance of her coming back

 

[Linda]

this was not an a replaceable love. it was basically me and her since we were 13. shes my soulmate and my best friend. shes the love of my life and there isnt room to love another woman. im purely dedicated to her with my love. i wasnt dedicated to her with my sexual activity though and i ruined our relationship over it. the inability to forgive myself combined with the loss of my other half is an unbearable pain comparable to mouring the dead. ill never move past it.

I can understand that. I will ctb if my husband dies before me (and not otherwise). I have known that for years. But I am in my 70s. You are much younger than me, I presume. You have time to rebuild your life.
I would strongly advise you to wait until at least a year has passed since your breakup before you ctb. If you still think then that it's the right decision, I wouldn't wish to challenge your decision.

 

[MisterOGBongWater]

I can understand that. I will ctb if my husband dies before me (and not otherwise). I have known that for years. But I am in my 70s. You are much younger than me, I presume. You have time to rebuild your life.
I would strongly advise you to wait until at least a year has passed since your breakup before you ctb. If you still think then that it's the right decision, I wouldn't wish to challenge your decision.

what if it feels like she died and im mourning her

 

[Linda]

what if it feels like she died and im mourning her

I think you should let some time pass. When a year has passed since she left, then reconsider everything. If you still want to ctb then, it may be the right choice. Any earlier than that, and you may still be too off balance to be able to be really objective.
Of course, if a year has already passed, then I can understand that you may wish to go now.
I would give the same advice to someone whose partner had died (unless they had decided, years in advance, what they were going to do when their partner died, as in my case).