Venting academic suspension

[ruinedmylife]

just got put on academic suspension for a year, and i really just fucked up my life. i dont know what the fuck im going to do, i cant believe i just sabotaged myself like this. i was already in trechearous waters at school since i was barely affording it and going by with loans -- why would i also perform so terribly academically on top of this...? my family hates me so i dont live with them so college has been my only permanent housing and now im going to be homeless or couch surfing. the friend that i was depending to stay with told me they couldnt commit for more than 2 weeks so i wont even be able to hopefully attend community college. im 20 and im wasting my youth again -- an entire year stripped from me full of experiences -- and fucking over my future. i dont know what the fuck im going to do. i wanna k word myself bc theres literally no hope ahead. god i hate myself. does anyone get it? i dont know what to do. my biggest fear is being a failure. and look here i am.

 

[Onthe29th]

Look, I understand where you're coming from and it's part of the reason why I'm here. Some community colleges have dorms but it's on a first come first serve basis. Do you have a job? If you don't have one, you might need to get one because sometimes students live in homes near the school with a couple of others who agree to pay a portion of the bills and follow certain rules I'm sure… or do as much couch surfing as you're allowed to do.

Hopefully that helps and good luck.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds very stressful. I know that it can be dreadful when everything is hopeless. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[ruinedmylife]

Look, I understand where you're coming from and it's part of the reason why I'm here. Some community colleges have dorms but it's on a first come first serve basis. Do you have a job? If you don't have one, you might need to get one because sometimes students live in homes near the school with a couple of others who agree to pay a portion of the bills and follow certain rules I'm sure… or do as much couch surfing as you're allowed to do.

Hopefully that helps and good luck.

thank you so much <3

 

[little helpers]

fuck. I was in this *very* situation last year. hitting up anyone I know to just sleep on their couch for a few weeks, get kicked out cuz no one could fucking stand my problems (lol), then pack up and go, head to the next one. in the end I just dropped out. and maybe *don't* do that yourself cuz that's how I ended up going back to now live with one of my abusers, aka. my mom.

I'm not too sure how it'll all work, but one idea is to apply/transfer as early as you can to community colleges, if you're in university rn. financial aid is much easier that way. January might still not be too late. there's ways to be admitted *after* due date, I believe, especially when you have credits you can transfer partially. if you have a car, that can be a "place" to stay as well. and like others have said, try get a job if you can. it's hard indeed. would be a bit better if you have a friend who you can disclose to and let you stay.

 

[ruinedmylife]

just got put on academic suspension for a year, and i really just fucked up my life. i dont know what the fuck im going to do, i cant believe i just sabotaged myself like this. i was already in trechearous waters at school since i was barely affording it and going by with loans -- why would i also perform so terribly academically on top of this...? my family hates me so i dont live with them so college has been my only permanent housing and now im going to be homeless or couch surfing. the friend that i was depending to stay with told me they couldnt commit for more than 2 weeks so i wont even be able to hopefully attend community college. im 20 and im wasting my youth again -- an entire year stripped from me full of experiences -- and fucking over my future. i dont know what the fuck im going to do. i wanna k word myself bc theres literally no hope ahead. god i hate myself. does anyone get it? i dont know what to do. my biggest fear is being a failure. and look here i am.

im filing an appeal to hopefully return in a few weeks so that's like my one refuge against total succumbing into madness. i wish i had more care for myself. my whole world feels like its sinking in. i know im smart, i know im capable -- but for some reason i just havent allowed myself to try. im so depressed and hopeless and without motivation it makes sense why i performed the way i did, but still i dont know why. they want me to move all of my belongings out by the end of th week regardless of an appeal or not? what the fuck. i hate myself. even if i am able to return after the academic suspension i was relying on a academic scholarship and loans based on a gpa ... i probably wont even be able to return. fuck. i dont want to live a life without a future. whats. the point of living a life with dead-end job? unhappy? i had so much potential. i was valedictorian in middle school. got a full ride scholarship to boarding school, and now i am on the verge of dropping out of college. no family. no money. ugly as fuck. uncharismatic as fuck. too much pride to live an unfulfilling and meaningless life. i cant go on if this academic appeal doesnt work. if my appeal isnt accepted i have to die.

fuck. I was in this *very* situation last year. hitting up anyone I know to just sleep on their couch for a few weeks, get kicked out cuz no one could fucking stand my problems (lol), then pack up and go, head to the next one. in the end I just dropped out. and maybe *don't* do that yourself cuz that's how I ended up going back to now live with one of my abusers, aka. my mom.

I'm not too sure how it'll all work, but one idea is to apply/transfer as early as you can to community colleges, if you're in university rn. financial aid is much easier that way. January might still not be too late. there's ways to be admitted *after* due date, I believe, especially when you have credits you can transfer partially. if you have a car, that can be a "place" to stay as well. and like others have said, try get a job if you can. it's hard indeed. would be a bit better if you have a friend who you can disclose to and let you stay.

thats the plan! but i dont have a car, and the person i was planning on staying with gave me that idea while i could maybe stay there but just told me they couldnt committ for longer than 2 weeks. lmfao i shouldve thought about all of this before i decided to screw up my life.

 

[puppet_nihilist]

One of the main factors that made me lose my shit against myself and made me loathe myself more than I already used to was bad academic performance. It was especially trash since I literally just graduated from school with high grades and got a scholarship. In just the span of two semesters I threw the scholarship out the window and my gpa sank from an A to a D just because I couldn't or whatever trash excuses I keep feeding myself.

Regardless of the difference in circumstances I relate to the self-hatred. I definitely understand not wanting to feel like a failure and not wanting to be a burden or a dead weight. I'm really sorry for you. I hope some unexpected miracle can save us from ourselves. I can't stand me anymore.

If it comes down to it, maybe you can check if there are shelters or anything? Sometimes a bit of negotiation can make a little wedge in the problem, did you exhaust all possible efforts in communicating with your school? I don't know your circumstances, but if you have an advisor or someone who is familiar with you, at least academically, they might be able to pull off something with a bit of talking. Either way, I really do wish you the best in finding a solution. Good luck.

 

[ruinedmylife]

One of the main factors that made me lose my shit against myself and made me loathe myself more than I already used to was bad academic performance. It was especially trash since I literally just graduated from school with high grades and got a scholarship. In just the span of two semesters I threw the scholarship out the window and my gpa sank from an A to a D just because I couldn't or whatever trash excuses I keep feeding myself.

Regardless of the difference in circumstances I relate to the self-hatred. I definitely understand not wanting to feel like a failure and not wanting to be a burden or a dead weight. I'm really sorry for you. I hope some unexpected miracle can save us from ourselves. I can't stand me anymore.

If it comes down to it, maybe you can check if there are shelters or anything? Sometimes a bit of negotiation can make a little wedge in the problem, did you exhaust all possible efforts in communicating with your school? I don't know your circumstances, but if you have an advisor or someone who is familiar with you, at least academically, they might be able to pull off something with a bit of talking. Either way, I really do wish you the best in finding a solution. Good luck.

im writing an appeal as we speak it's due this thursday and i should have a response by early next week. the next semester starts january 27th, so there is hipe on that front. but wow are experiences and thoughts are almost entirely parallel. i have extreme aversion to being a burden upon others, but the one thing that allowed me to not be that -- i threw out the window? college was.. and is my life -- my friends are there, boys (and possibly a relationship!) are there, food, events, learning, academics, parties, my growth -- and i threw it all out the window to live a sad and meaningless life. i already have so many unchangeable problems why would i add more? why do we do this? its not like im a trust fund baby where i have mommy and daddys money to blow for a year and have fun? i knew this? i knew this intimately and humbly... still i fucked myself over. i wanted to be something. i wanted to do something with my life. i was just a senior in HS -- covid -- and now im on academic suspension from school. i used to have hope. now what. hopefully i can stay with my friends for longer than those two weeks so i can attend CC in the meantime if the appeal isnt lifted, but if not i might have to live with some weird old guy i met on the internet in fucking west virginia. FUCK lmao

 

[little helpers]

im filing an appeal to hopefully return in a few weeks so that's like my one refuge against total succumbing into madness.

a few words, appeals might work but be careful what you're signing up for. I got suspended twice (fuck, I'm a genius. /s). first time I appealed and it got approved. I was lucky to have not screwed my GPA too much at that point. though I had to then get fucking A's on two repeaters to earn that. very stressful given my ever-deteriorating MH and drug problem. you should give yourself a break, hun. put your bet on the appeal *only when* your advisor doesn't put you on a harsh courseload. IMO holding a part-time job might be easier than that. you might even get brownie points that way if you can find one relevant to your major. pretty hard to find one like that though, I know. my advice is to search for jobs *now*, while planning out everything else. wish you all the best, bud.

 

[ruinedmylife]

a few words, appeals might work but be careful what you're signing up for. I got suspended twice (fuck, I'm a genius. /s). first time I appealed and it got approved. I was lucky to have not screwed my GPA too much at that point. though I had to then get fucking A's on two repeaters to earn that. very stressful given my ever-deteriorating MH and drug problem. you should give yourself a break, hun. put your bet on the appeal *only when* your advisor doesn't put you on a harsh courseload. IMO holding a part-time job might be easier than that. you might even get brownie points that way if you can find one relevant to your major. pretty hard to find one like that though, I know. my advice is to search for jobs *now*, while planning out everything else. wish you all the best, bud.

thank you so much, bud <3!

 

[puppet_nihilist]

im writing an appeal as we speak it's due this thursday and i should have a response by early next week. the next semester starts january 27th, so there is hipe on that front. but wow are experiences and thoughts are almost entirely parallel. i have extreme aversion to being a burden upon others, but the one thing that allowed me to not be that -- i threw out the window? college was.. and is my life -- my friends are there, boys (and possibly a relationship!) are there, food, events, learning, academics, parties, my growth -- and i threw it all out the window to live a sad and meaningless life. i already have so many unchangeable problems why would i add more? why do we do this? its not like im a trust fund baby where i have mommy and daddys money to blow for a year and have fun? i knew this? i knew this intimately and humbly... still i fucked myself over. i wanted to be something. i wanted to do something with my life. i was just a senior in HS -- covid -- and now im on academic suspension from school. i used to have hope. now what. hopefully i can stay with my friends for longer than those two weeks so i can attend CC in the meantime if the appeal isnt lifted, but if not i might have to live with some weird old guy i met on the internet in fucking west virginia. FUCK lmao

That's what keeps driving me insane too. Why on earth do we do this especially considering that we have so much to lose. I can barely afford to live decently let alone pay such expensive tuition fees. It always triggers weird chest pains when I think about it, I don't know why we throw our potential and everything we worked hard for in a single moment of weakness.

I'm really sorry you know what this experience is like. I hope it gets better, somehow, some way.

 

[ruinedmylife]

That's what keeps driving me insane too. Why on earth do we do this especially considering that we have so much to lose. I can barely afford to live decently let alone pay such expensive tuition fees. It always triggers weird chest pains when I think about it, I don't know why we throw our potential and everything we worked hard for in a single moment of weakness.

I'm really sorry you know what this experience is like. I hope it gets better, somehow, some way.

are we the same person? because i found out on friday and since then my body has ached and when i think about it critically my chest pains shoots up. im sending you hugs, and from what i can see -- i see a smart, kind, decent person. im also sorry that you understand this pain, but boy do you make me feel less alone. i believe in you.

 

[Dragon's Heart]

I'm almost 60 years and I have experienced this soooo many times. While it still hurts that I turned out to NOT be all that I could be, in a way, I also find it humorous. I have started over again and again sometimes completely from scratch. It's hard and it takes a lot out of you with the mental pressures and homelessness and all that. This is what I want you to know- you are still young and there will be plenty of fuck ups ahead of you along with successes. It'll be like a bouquet of vibrant, healthy flowers mixed in with some dried-up dead ones. When you are tired, rest. While you're resting, plan out a whole new path if you need to. Expect to do this several times (hopefully, several times won't be necessary but it happens). While I understand your distress, I'm still rooting for you. Two steps forward and one step back is still hard-earned progress.

 

[puppet_nihilist]

are we the same person? because i found out on friday and since then my body has ached and when i think about it critically my chest pains shoots up. im sending you hugs, and from what i can see -- i see a smart, kind, decent person. im also sorry that you understand this pain, but boy do you make me feel less alone. i believe in you.

I'm sorry you relate to the pains. I think going through bad experiences or trauma seems to trigger them for some people.

Thank you and I really do feel similarly. I hope it all works out well for you in the end. At this point I'm just exhausting every last shred of energy and motivation and false hope to keep going. Sweeping the corners to get even a speck of power to continue moving since any alternative is either worse or just difficult or too technical for me to do. I hope your wishes are granted, don't despair on what you want until you've exhausted every possible resource.

Sorry you had to go through it, though I also can't deny I feel like my situation is a tiny bit less alien too. Godspeed to you on what's to come. Chin up. I hope you make it, if not now then as soon as the next opportunity. Stay safe.