Abuse, Bullying and Trauma Megathread

[LastLoveLetter]

This is a Megathread where members who are have suffered (or are still suffering from) any kind of abuse, bullying and/or trauma can post their experiences, vent, connect with others in a similar situation and give/receive support. I have encountered many members who have been abused, bullied or traumatised and I feel a dedicated space would be useful.

You can post as often or as infrequently as you like. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

Staff will monitor this thread to ensure it stays on topic and is a safe, supportive space for those who participate.

I understand how utterly soul-destroying any kind of abuse and trauma can be, the domino effect this can have on our entire lives and the far-reaching consequences victims must endure in the aftermath. I wish no-one had to experience such suffering.

While I know there is nothing I can do to take away that pain, I hope that here we can find solidarity and support among each other.

 

[TheHatedOne]

I fucking hate it when I involuntarily remember the bullying moments I had in school. It hits me from nowhere, and then I get petrified, with my heart starting to beat faster and having a mini mental breakdown.

I was bullied daily in middle school. I'd always have nasty remarks thrown at, and me being the hypersensitive person that I am I'd always be affected. No matter how much I tried to shrug it off, at home I would always cry because of this. It didn't help that I was the most shy, most ugly and poorest person in the classroom.

The bullying would sometimes get physical. I'd have things thrown at me, and the harassment... I remember a guy touching my back where my bra was and pulling it.

And then I had someone who manipulated me and threatened me throughout all these years, thinking that she was my friend. But we drifted apart after I had enough of her shit and got into a physical fight. After that she slowly turned tothe side of the classroom's shallow bitches and when we'd speak she'd just threaten me and name call me.

When I was in 7th grade, I begged my parents to move me to another school, but they were like "nOoO AFE, u HaVe OnE yEaR lEfT wHy Do It At ThE eNd? SuFfEr FoR oNe MoRe YeAr"

Among the worst was the bullying because I couldn't do Maths at all, not even basic one. I'm terrified of anything Maths or Physics related. As I type this I feel like crying.

Moving to high school, I wasn't as bullied as in middle school. But, I'd still have nasty remarks thrown at sometimes. And I was called ugly once right at the beginning of the first year lol. I was once being teased repeatedly and I told the classmate to stop it politely twice. The third time I lost my temper and I screamed.

In 11th grade when someone moved into the classroom I had the worst bullying days in high school. This newcomer particularly hated on me and terrified me for days. One day, when he kept throwing stuff at me I lost it and started to cry in classroom to which some classmates told him to stop.

Then, in 12th grade, these words still freshly ring in my mind sometimes, the words of a girl I was on good terms with at the beginning, but then she changed into an insufferable shallow bitch that everyone worshipped. She took away the two guys I was on amicable terms with, one of these guys I had crush on in 10th grade when he moved in this classroom. I was in chemistry class sitting at my desk when she and this guy I told about come in and asked her if it's okay if he can sit with me, I'm mentioning we've been deskmates since 11th grade, to which she said "Stay with me, who the fuck would sit with her?".

Yeah, no one would, ever. I'm not worthy of anything. Just suffering and bullying. That's all.


I wasn't bullied only in real life, but also online. I was bullied by two French guys in the game which used to be my favorite to the point that they stole my in game identity.


I realize that what I've been through is little compared to what many of you went through, but it still really affected me and shaped the worldviews that I have nowadays. At this point, I'm just a collection of traumas and consequences of the abuse and bullying I received. Nothing more.

I doubt anyone will read this, but eh.

I feel like curling up into a ball and die.

 

[RainAndSadness]

Thanks for this thread. I was strongly neglected by my parents during my entire chilhood and I've been severely bullied in school on top of that for several years. I've never had friends or any kind of support. I've felt so incredibly alone and hopeless during that time, it's why I wanted to end my life back when I was 14 years old. It was the only way out of this misery and to this day, I wish I had suceeded in my plan to commit suicide. Sadly, I didn't and the events that happened in my childhood have caused severe trauma, which I still relieve in my nightmares every single night, which is one of the reasons why I'm suffering so much. I'm dealing with the consequences of my past to this day and even when I sleep, I don't get a break from any of this. So I'm basically emotionally exhausted 24/7. When I wake up, I'm exhausted because of my nightmares which make me relieve the worst moments of my life and when I go to sleep, I'm exhausted because of my existential dread and all the suffering I'm exposed to every single day. There is no way out. As a result of all these experiences I've developed major depressive disorder and dysthymia, also known as persistent depression disorder (yeah that's double depression for me, isn't that nice), social anxiety, BPD and much more. I think to this day I didn't get all of my conditions diagnosed properly, which is probably one of the reasons why there is no proper treatment. And the combination of all these disorders make it basically impossible to treat them appropiately anyway. It's not just as simple as "oh you're depressed, take this pill and you're good", it's way more complicated than that because all of my conditions interact with each other and each one of them add additional layers of mental and emotional pain on my life. I'm confident my long list of mental health conditions are a result of my childhood trauma and they turn every single day into a crazy rollercoaster of emotions. It's unbearable. There isn't any treatment that works for me and it's why I think a final and permanent way out of my suffering is a valid option in my case and I think it's a representative example of mental health conditions that justify someones desire to end their life. What's the alternative? More suffering for the next few decades? No thanks. I'm 27 years and I already feel twice as old due to my suffering. When you have chronic issues, you get sick and tired of life. The longer I live, the more I see myself turning into this bitter, empty asshole that's just cynical about everything. My entire life has been a series of traumatic experiences and I think I have every right to say "this is where it ends".

So yeah, that's one part of my story. I think this turned into incoherent rambling but I hope my experience adds something to this thread.

 

[Snake of Eden]

My first relationship was with a sadistic narcissistic psychopath physically and mentally. He specialized in gaslighting. i cant even write about it for much

 

[Crazy4u]

I have been in this thread for like 10-15 minutes without typing anything. I cannot even type if I want to. I don't remember many of the things happened to me. Is this a blessing? IDK. I have random memories about multiple events. That's about it.

In summary, I have always felt like a burden and I shouldn't ask for any kind of help no matter what. I was born by "mistake"! I was the second female child in the family and some of my family members and so called relatives prefer boys over girls!

Random memories from childhood:

- the hospitals/medical clinics: can't type
- getting stuck in the elevator: can't type
- climbing a big rock to escape/run away: can't type
- clowns: can't type
- fake friends at elementary school: can't type
- called out by a teacher at elementary school: can't type

Random memories from teenagerhood:

11 or 12 years old:
- burning pictures of my childhood: I don't have a single picture I got rid of all of them to forget everything and burry my feelings
between 11 and 15 years old:
- memory loss
15-18 years old:
- Watching my parents act very immature and fight all the time. Watching all the abuse, the screaming, ...etc, putting up with poverty issues, ...etc
- being asked to get out of the house and live somewhere else because I wanted to sleep till 11 am (it was a weekend)
- dealing with sarcasm because I'm too tired to do anything. Normal kids would be happy doing so and so!
- more of the above

Random memories from early adulthood (18-24 years old)

- getting my driver license ASAP to leave the house more often
- isolating myself and avoiding friendships in the university because the social activities available are too expensive for me!
- isolating myself and avoiding relationships with guys in the university because all guys are monsters and manipulative (stupid shit fed to me by family and relatives)
- reminding me every now and then that I'm taking space in the house
- constantly going to places to "study" because I don't feel comfortable staying home and wanted to avoid fights

that's enough for today. It is the first time in my life I open up about this. It took a while to type. Great thread!!!

 

[Judah]

My biggest trauma is having seen my partner hanging, I could not arrive in time and I will die with that in mind. Sorry

 

[VKVK]

Great thread, commenting so I can post later and read others'.

 

[miulake]

I am 30 yrs old. And I have been bullied since as long as I can remember.
Bullied at middle school, high school, uni. and now at work and even by my neighbours.
There is simply no escape. I believe much of it has to do with me growing up without a father.
I literally have zero social skills, I am too sensitive. I am weak and timid.

The endless trauma and abuse has made me suicidal.
(I just came out of my New Year's vacation. Everyone visited someplace. But I, I was trapped and hopelessly stuck in my apartment.)
I am too scared to go anywhere new. I carefully limit my daily dose of abuse to my workplace only. I know if I go anyplace new I will face new, unexpected trauma. So I hide all day long.

I truly deserve to die

 

[neverendingstorey]

The abuse happened when I was a child by a relative. When my family found out they were so angry with me. After that point, they were always mad at me. I was always in trouble and looked at as a nuisance.

My parents were so ready to get me put of the house. I was always working, always tired... always broke. Drinking gave me momentary relief from depression. I was able to work and get by.

Met a guy then and we have been together for close to two decades. He grew up in abusive household but it was different than mine. More intense. I am positive now that he was with me because I provided a way for him to get out of his family life and not necessarily because he loved me.

He says the worst things to me to break my heart on a daily basis. The most recent one was he called my perpetrator my boyfriend and said that I enjoyed it (I was 9). He is an extremely picky eater (only eats the same thing everyday) and yells and throws things if I don't do it the correct way. When I make different food he calls them science experiments, ya know, because everything I make tastes like shit.

The smallest thing will make him go into a rage. The way I use aluminum foil, where I put something away... things that aren't a big deal and don't matter. Instead of doing something the way they want it do be done in a couple of minutes, they yell at me like I'm a dumb child for an hour. The dog barks and it's my fault.

When they get mad I don't, yell, cuss or call names. How can I? I can't even get two words in anyway. But they are literally breaking things, yelling, name calling and saying the worst thing that pops into their head.

He wasn't always this bad. I've tried to be understanding of his past but I am miserable. I always get him gifts for birthdays and holidays and he never does anything. He'll say that I'm yelling when I am clearly not and make me repeat things or answer things back like a child. Wishes I was dead one day and then says he loves me the next.

With COVID everything is 24/7 and it's really rough. I've lost motivation and I feel like shit. The years of dirty looks, yelling and insults has made me really sad and defeated. I have been drinking to escape.

 

[YMN]

I mentioned this a bit in my introductions post, but I guess I could elaborate on things. TLDR: Bullied from like 4th grade to 11/12th grade. Sister treated me like shit for a good portion of my childhood/teen years.

Spoiler

I was bullied by my peers from elementary all the way to high school. It would range from the usual name-calling and teasing to more distressing situations. I still remember the time in middle school a group of girls "jokingly" recorded me changing in the locker room. I say jokingly because when I was about to go to the PE teacher about it they whined at me about how I couldn't take a joke and they weren't really recording me. I also remember in middle school PE the kids would hurl balls at my breasts and behind as a joke. Though the things I got bullied the most for were my weight, social awkwardness, and voice. I was always on the chubbier side growing up and I'm not attractive either, so I was the girl the boys would laugh about the idea of dating and mockingly confess their love to me because they lost a bet. As for how the girls treated me, they weren't much better than the boys. They'd poke fun at my shyness and mock me for not being able to stand up for myself. I remember some girls would take my things during class when I left my desk, and I'd have to awkwardly ask for my things back or have to tell the teacher. But the thing that messed me up the most was them mocking me for how I sound/talk. For a woman I have a naturally deep voice, like I sound like a preteen boy that's starting puberty kind of low. It didn't help that I have a slight lisp too. So they were ruthless about that, and it caused me to have a severe fear of public speaking and an insecurity over how I sound. Whenever I have to talk to someone new the idea of them thinking I sound like a monster or a boy is always in the back of my mind.

At home my older sister was pretty much like the kids at my school. She'd say anything to pull at my insecurities and would openly mock me for my inability to interact with others. Whenever we'd argue she'd immediately start to laugh at my for my weight or voice, regardless of what we were arguing over. Once I started to lose some weight, she'd move onto my other insecurities to constantly bring up (my crooked teeth, my voice, my awkwardness, etc.). After I had a mental breakdown at my high school in 10th grade, she gradually stopped treating me so poorly. I guess my mom told her I told the school counselor I wanted to kill myself. She doesn't act the way she did before, but it doesn't change the long-lasting effects it's had on me. As for my parents, my father was gone half of the time on business trips. My mother wasn't terrible to me at all, but she'd always point out my insecurities like my sister. She also hated the fact that I always wore baggy jeans and sweatshirts, and threatened to burn my clothes without trying to understand why I dressed the way I did.

All of this accumulated into me being a complete introverted shut-in that hates socializing and has no sense of self-esteem or self-worth.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

CPTSD is awful, that's…all I have to say for now. It wouldn't matter if anything else was said. But that sums it up.

 

[Chaestergram]

TW : sexual abuse, sex work, sex trafficking, stalking, eating disorder, self harm and else

I had been abused multiple time, physically and mentally, I guess I had one experience of bullying.

When I was a kid, around 8, I was sexually abused by my first stepfather until I reached 13, told it to my best friend at that time that contacted the child protection service. The only somehow "good" thing that happened is that my stepfather didn't denied and confessed during the trial.

After that I got sexually assaulted 4 different time, one was when I was going out around 14, when I was 18 by my boyfriend at that time (which was a stalker and abusing me mentally, had reported to the cops but nothing happened since he was part of an "organization" that have influence on corrupt cops) he drugged me and thankfully my flatmate found him and made him leave, then when I think I was 19 I don't remember clearly as the two last time happened the same year but i was going home after partying, I passed out drunk in the taxi and the taxi driver took me to a forest at the complete opposite of my place and well abused me, in the middle of it I gain back consciousness and was able to escape and the last time, was a bit before my 20's birthday, with my "pimp" we were staying at one of the guy that would "support me financially", she left to club as I was sick that day and he abused me during my sleep.

For the last time it happened I had a really hard time to heal from it as this time I finally gain the courage to say stop and fight back but he was twice my size and weight and he dared to told me that he wasn't raping me so i should stop resisting and later on when I found the courage to say it to my "pimp", she told me that it was my own fault and this stayed stuck in my mind for so long.

When it comes to my "pimp", in other words I was sexually trafficked, it took me some times to finally gather the courage to leave as she stole my passport, was stealing all the money I made (I was living abroad at that time). She was also physically abusing me, when we were going out to clubs she would humiliate me by spitting on me, taking off my wig in public, throwing her drinks at me, calling me a dog and so much more but also slapping me, scratching me.

One day I had enough and burst out of rage, we started fighting but unfortunately (to me or not cause i was ready to kill her) people passing by broke into the fight to stop us.

Once I went back to my country, her and a mutual friend tried to frame me, at that time I was still talking to this mutual friend thinking that I could trust her but turn out that she turned her back on me and was sharing everything I said. One day this bitch send screenshots to my parents that I was a sex worker and porn actress, thanks goodness that my family let me do whatever I want even if they don't approve, they didn't questioned me and just told me to go report everything to the cops which ofc they didn't do shit.

When it comes to the bullying, during my last year of middle school I decided to change school as all the people working there knew that I had been assaulted by my stepfather and I didn't felt anymore comfortable in that school so I went to another one and last a week there because I had put on Facebook that I missed my old school and everyone from that new school got it all twisted, thinking that I was saying shit about them so after the 2 days of me being popular in that school everyone decided to wrote a song about me « the red cow » (I had red hair and piercings all over my face at that time, so referencing to my septum), people were trying to snatch my back, push me and some girls even called their big brother to fight with me thinking that it would scared me but I was just responding back to everyone and was ready to fight whoever dared to mess with me but one day I totally exploded in front of the school and go completely berserk after my mom got to the principal to tell him everything and he dared to say right into my face that if those kids were bullying me it was my fault and not them nor the kids, so I just stopped going to that school.

And don't know which part it's supposed to fall under but I was receiving death threats online daily by unknown guys, so does also threats from miserable virgin that couldn't get no pussies, my phone number got linked on a revenge porn site by the ex that abused me and tons of other people that I never heard of would contact me and told me to be careful while giving me details of my life that they weren't supposed to know.

After all of this I went through a hikikomori phase, not going out of my room, not taking care of myself, the only time I was opening the door was to use the toilet and pick up the things I was telling my family to buy for me (alcohol, cigarettes and an excessive amount of snacks) I gained 30kg from not going out of my place for almost a year and at one point I was like « I can't stay like this forever » so I started to work on myself and heal from it, it was truly long and felt like forever, especially when it comes to the huge anxiety I had when going out, which now I still do have if I don't go out regurlarly but I was getting better, loose all the weight I gained, getting back my confidence, working on my alcohol addiction, everything was about my own well being and my goals, I was just so full of life, I take off everyone that wasn't a good impact in my life and just being me.

Until I met my actual partner but I had written a bit about it in a post so no need to repeat myself even if it wasn't even half of everything. (Mental abuse)

Then for the rest that has nothing to do with external people, I suffered from eating disorder from 5 years old till… good question, in some way still now but less than before, I was diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia, so all my life I always was on the extreme, loosing hella weight fast and gaining faster, to this day even if I'm a normal shape, like a thick just middle and never had any problem when it comes to attention from guys and even girls, like i definitely know that tons of people wants to slap tf out of me for it as in the past I joined multiple support groups about that and none of the girls were supporting of me because to them since I am popular among men and don't got any problem with getting their attention so does how I look was just triggering their own insecurities so they felt the need to reject me the way people reject them but to me I would never be good enough (physically) if I don't have the desire shape that I want even if I am fully aware that I'm actually good looking (no pretentious just obvious honesty)

Then recently, about a year ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder but I don't trust this diagnosis as it was at the emergency room after my second attempt of the year and the meds they put me on completely changed me and made me have actual crisis I never had before like never ever.

But then yea when it comes to diagnosed I was diagnosed those 3, anxiety (social too), severe depression and complex ptsd.

When it comes to self harm I had been doing it since I was 8, kept on doing it until 16 then stopped it until 19, from 19 till 20 and stop until last year so (22/23) and now back at it to calm myself during a crisis.

And I guess that's all, as I am still recovering slowly but surely my memories as I didn't had any memories before the age of 16.

 

[maakies]

TW : sexual abuse, sex work, sex trafficking, stalking, eating disorder, self harm and else

I had been abused multiple time, physically and mentally, I guess I had one experience of bullying.

When I was a kid, around 8, I was sexually abused by my first stepfather until I reached 13, told it to my best friend at that time that contacted the child protection service. The only somehow "good" thing that happened is that my stepfather didn't denied and confessed during the trial.

After that I got sexually assaulted 4 different time, one was when I was going out around 14, when I was 18 by my boyfriend at that time (which was a stalker and abusing me mentally, had reported to the cops but nothing happened since he was part of an "organization" that have influence on corrupt cops) he drugged me and thankfully my flatmate found him and made him leave, then when I think I was 19 I don't remember clearly as the two last time happened the same year but i was going home after partying, I passed out drunk in the taxi and the taxi driver took me to a forest at the complete opposite of my place and well abused me, in the middle of it I gain back consciousness and was able to escape and the last time, was a bit before my 20's birthday, with my "pimp" we were staying at one of the guy that would "support me financially", she left to club as I was sick that day and he abused me during my sleep.

For the last time it happened I had a really hard time to heal from it as this time I finally gain the courage to say stop and fight back but he was twice my size and weight and he dared to told me that he wasn't raping me so i should stop resisting and later on when I found the courage to say it to my "pimp", she told me that it was my own fault and this stayed stuck in my mind for so long.

When it comes to my "pimp", in other words I was sexually trafficked, it took me some times to finally gather the courage to leave as she stole my passport, was stealing all the money I made (I was living abroad at that time). She was also physically abusing me, when we were going out to clubs she would humiliate me by spitting on me, taking off my wig in public, throwing her drinks at me, calling me a dog and so much more but also slapping me, scratching me.

One day I had enough and burst out of rage, we started fighting but unfortunately (to me or not cause i was ready to kill her) people passing by broke into the fight to stop us.

Once I went back to my country, her and a mutual friend tried to frame me, at that time I was still talking to this mutual friend thinking that I could trust her but turn out that she turned her back on me and was sharing everything I said. One day this bitch send screenshots to my parents that I was a sex worker and porn actress, thanks goodness that my family let me do whatever I want even if they don't approve, they didn't questioned me and just told me to go report everything to the cops which ofc they didn't do shit.

When it comes to the bullying, during my last year of middle school I decided to change school as all the people working there knew that I had been assaulted by my stepfather and I didn't felt anymore comfortable in that school so I went to another one and last a week there because I had put on Facebook that I missed my old school and everyone from that new school got it all twisted, thinking that I was saying shit about them so after the 2 days of me being popular in that school everyone decided to wrote a song about me « the red cow » (I had red hair and piercings all over my face at that time, so referencing to my septum), people were trying to snatch my back, push me and some girls even called their big brother to fight with me thinking that it would scared me but I was just responding back to everyone and was ready to fight whoever dared to mess with me but one day I totally exploded in front of the school and go completely berserk after my mom got to the principal to tell him everything and he dared to say right into my face that if those kids were bullying me it was my fault and not them nor the kids, so I just stopped going to that school.

And don't know which part it's supposed to fall under but I was receiving death threats online daily by unknown guys, so does also threats from miserable virgin that couldn't get no pussies, my phone number got linked on a revenge porn site by the ex that abused me and tons of other people that I never heard of would contact me and told me to be careful while giving me details of my life that they weren't supposed to know.

After all of this I went through a hikikomori phase, not going out of my room, not taking care of myself, the only time I was opening the door was to use the toilet and pick up the things I was telling my family to buy for me (alcohol, cigarettes and an excessive amount of snacks) I gained 30kg from not going out of my place for almost a year and at one point I was like « I can't stay like this forever » so I started to work on myself and heal from it, it was truly long and felt like forever, especially when it comes to the huge anxiety I had when going out, which now I still do have if I don't go out regurlarly but I was getting better, loose all the weight I gained, getting back my confidence, working on my alcohol addiction, everything was about my own well being and my goals, I was just so full of life, I take off everyone that wasn't a good impact in my life and just being me.

Until I met my actual partner but I had written a bit about it in a post so no need to repeat myself even if it wasn't even half of everything. (Mental abuse)

Then for the rest that has nothing to do with external people, I suffered from eating disorder from 5 years old till… good question, in some way still now but less than before, I was diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia, so all my life I always was on the extreme, loosing hella weight fast and gaining faster, to this day even if I'm a normal shape, like a thick just middle and never had any problem when it comes to attention from guys and even girls, like i definitely know that tons of people wants to slap tf out of me for it as in the past I joined multiple support groups about that and none of the girls were supporting of me because to them since I am popular among men and don't got any problem with getting their attention so does how I look was just triggering their own insecurities so they felt the need to reject me the way people reject them but to me I would never be good enough (physically) if I don't have the desire shape that I want even if I am fully aware that I'm actually good looking (no pretentious just obvious honesty)

Then recently, about a year ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder but I don't trust this diagnosis as it was at the emergency room after my second attempt of the year and the meds they put me on completely changed me and made me have actual crisis I never had before like never ever.

But then yea when it comes to diagnosed I was diagnosed those 3, anxiety (social too), severe depression and complex ptsd.

When it comes to self harm I had been doing it since I was 8, kept on doing it until 16 then stopped it until 19, from 19 till 20 and stop until last year so (22/23) and now back at it to calm myself during a crisis.

And I guess that's all, as I am still recovering slowly but surely my memories as I didn't had any memories before the age of 16.

Your story makes me particularly aggravated with the world. I'm sorry you have gone through all you have. I was also put on a medication that put me through an awful crisis I'd never had before after I'd never had a real manic episode. What medication was it if you don't mind my asking? I ask because there's one in particular I keep hearing about.

 

[blueclover_.]

The abuse happened when I was a child by a relative. When my family found out they were so angry with me. After that point, they were always mad at me. I was always in trouble and looked at as a nuisance.

My parents were so ready to get me put of the house. I was always working, always tired... always broke. Drinking gave me momentary relief from depression. I was able to work and get by.

Met a guy then and we have been together for close to two decades. He grew up in abusive household but it was different than mine. More intense. I am positive now that he was with me because I provided a way for him to get out of his family life and not necessarily because he loved me.

He says the worst things to me to break my heart on a daily basis. The most recent one was he called my perpetrator my boyfriend and said that I enjoyed it (I was 9). He is an extremely picky eater (only eats the same thing everyday) and yells and throws things if I don't do it the correct way. When I make different food he calls them science experiments, ya know, because everything I make tastes like shit.

The smallest thing will make him go into a rage. The way I use aluminum foil, where I put something away... things that aren't a big deal and don't matter. Instead of doing something the way they want it do be done in a couple of minutes, they yell at me like I'm a dumb child for an hour. The dog barks and it's my fault.

When they get mad I don't, yell, cuss or call names. How can I? I can't even get two words in anyway. But they are literally breaking things, yelling, name calling and saying the worst thing that pops into their head.

He wasn't always this bad. I've tried to be understanding of his past but I am miserable. I always get him gifts for birthdays and holidays and he never does anything. He'll say that I'm yelling when I am clearly not and make me repeat things or answer things back like a child. Wishes I was dead one day and then says he loves me the next.

With COVID everything is 24/7 and it's really rough. I've lost motivation and I feel like shit. The years of dirty looks, yelling and insults has made me really sad and defeated. I have been drinking to escape.

Sounds like my dad lol. You know what? Most kids who grew up in an abusive household and managed to survive eventually become abusers themselves. I see myself turning into one. I feel homicidal at times. And i can't control it, i didn't choose to be born into this family. And maybe someday someone will look at me the same way that i look at my abusers.

 

[Chaestergram]

Your story makes me particularly aggravated with the world. I'm sorry you have gone through all you have. I was also put on a medication that put me through an awful crisis I'd never had before after I'd never had a real manic episode. What medication was it if you don't mind my asking? I ask because there's one in particular I keep hearing about.

Thank you the meds I took was Abilify (5mg) but I was sleepy all day, would go to bed at 7pm, lost appetite and had actual crisis which truly terrified me, I thought I was really loosing my mind

 

[LittleBlackCat]

This is a Megathread where members who are have suffered (or are still suffering from) any kind of abuse, bullying and/or trauma can post their experiences, vent, connect with others in a similar situation and give/receive support. I have encountered many members who have been abused, bullied or traumatised and I feel a dedicated space would be useful.

You can post as often or as infrequently as you like. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

I will monitor this thread to ensure it stays on topic and is a safe, supportive space for those who participate.

I have experienced severe trauma myself and have Complex PTSD, so this subject is very close to my heart. I have written about some of my experiences before on SS.

For those who have not seen my posts, I was severely abused (physically, sexually, psychologically etc) throughout my childhood and endured abuse and further trauma as an adult too.
You can read a bit about my childhood in another thread here or read a short summary of some of my traumas here. I must warn you that I discuss CSA, death, animal cruelty, rape, torture and more, so please take care if you decide to read any of my posts about my past. I am linking to previous posts I have written here so that members can choose whether they wish to read this content.

I understand how utterly soul-destroying any kind of abuse and trauma can be, the domino effect this can have on our entire lives and the far-reaching consequences victims must endure in the aftermath. I wish no-one had to experience such suffering.

While I know there is nothing I can do to take away that pain, I hope that here we can find solidarity and support among each other.

I have read your descriptions and I did not want to pass by without comment. However I do not have the words… you are a brave and beautiful soul.

 

[lostangel]

The just world fallacy, people say that it's your fault if you get bullied but it's not. Bullies don't end up losers like some people claim. They have the traits and the confidence that makes a person successful in the ''real world''.

I have also noticed on the internet and people attitude is that it's better to be the bully then to be the victim of one.

I noticed that the real world adults kept going on about when I was a teen is just one big high school with a reduced number of safety nets. There are still bullies after school some people never grow up or change.

 

[maakies]

Thank you the meds I took was Abilify (5mg) but I was sleepy all day, would go to bed at 7pm, lost appetite and had actual crisis which truly terrified me, I thought I was really loosing my mind

Damn. That's scary. The way they prescribe medications seems like at most clumsy dart throwing. The amount of people I talk to who come out of taking medications in crisis is stark.

 

[meetapple]

Maybe this should be filed under the category of discrimination but I am including it here anyway.

Although I haven't experienced nearly what some of you have what I go through falls loosely under the category of bullying. I am schizophrenic and I have been made to feel like a douchebag by society. I stay home and avoid people as much as I can. However, when I am around people I am extremely self conscious of my thinking. This causes people to pay attention to me. Sometimes when I take a walk people will start fireworks if my thoughts stray outside of the normal. I am not remotely doing anything to harm anyone. If I go to a barbershop or an airport I am scrutinized closely and punished when people don't understand me. Even my therapist will say things showing disapproval of my thoughts.

 

[Licoricepasta]

I am so, so tired. Relived some really bad incidents today, and spent hours crying my eyes out in bed. I hate myself.

 

[nohopes]

I have autism. Light level. Diagnosed early.

When I was diagnosed, I realized why many things happened to me. Many times I was ingenuous. And it's hard to me notice about another's intentions.

1.(Actual) abuses in my job.
My colleague left, then I'm alone with double work. They don't want to hire another person to gain more profit.
So, I'm suffering with pressure. I'm not taking lunch because it has a lot of work to do and they want it fast. Everyday I work more than 15 hours per day. Sleeping less than 5 hours per day.
Last week, I was sick with 40 degrees of fever and kidney infection(both gained by excessive stress). I begged for my employers that I need to rest because I'm not good. They said "you have to finish this project first." I replied: "so, I can't be sick and act like a machine that never fails, right?" They replied: "yeah, you can't be sick and you have to finish this job".

Probably you going to ask: "why you don't quit this job?"

I can't. Unfortunately I live in Brazil(that explains my shifty english)and the economics crysis is fucked up. Unemployment rate is high here. It's hard to find a job and I need to work to maintain and give at least basic conditions for my son(at least, because time for him I don't have anymore, I always stressed and I end yelling at him and feel horrible for this.

Plus, I have debts with them. I can't quit until I finish those debts.

Because of this actual shit, my wife wants to give up and I understand it.

That motivates to end my life.

2. Sexual abuse:

First sexual abuse, I was 6. The abuser was an close friend of my parents.

You know? Abusers gain trust and confidence of parents first, then attack the child. Here's a tip for you guys who have a son or daughter. Keep the eyes open. Sometimes(or always) you have to suspect the unsuspicious.

It didn't happened penetration or something like that. But dirty talks and weird touching in my body. And of course "keep it secret or you will get consequences".

The worse is, I noticed "recently" about how this abuse affected me early and explains why I have a lot of mental and trust issues.

Second: I was 16, in the night club.

A context here: I have a androgynous and young appearance and physic until today(actually I'm almost 30, but people always say I look having 15yr). Some others (mainly at my job) they make joke and fun of me calling me as "little girl" and "faggot" because of my appearance and manners that is different from them(being a fucking mascule that's carry a lot of weight, eat a lot, go to the brothels even married and fuck hygiene basics, like shit outside the vase and don't flushing their mess).

So, continuing, that night an gross old man was disturbing me, offering drinks, drugs and saying that he is a talent hunter, blablabla. I refused everything. But somehow, he put something in my drink while I was distracted. I went blank and soon I woke up in an motel room and the rest... I don't want to give details.

Third: at college, 20yrs.

Some think this is a joke or I was lucky. A lot of guys say I was lucky and I'm acting ungrateful.

I'm demisexual, so... I need to know, gain trust, and like the personality to begin feel attracted. Appearance doesn't matter to me and sex by first date doesn't work for me.

It was in the party. I was way more drunk.

Then a girl decided to take advantage and locked me in in a restroom with her.

I was sad, because a girl that I liked knew about this by the colleagues and I felt I lost total chances to be with her.

Third: I was not the victim, but it affected me a lot.

My ex-girlfriend was raped by her teacher. He was threatening her to make sex with him if she wants to pass the exams to her and be approved. (which he never gave results about the exams and it was hard to know how we're going).

She felt guilty and got away from me. I tried to comfort her and I know that it's not her fault. But no success.

I was in rage. I destroyed the teacher's car in a midnight.

3. Bullying.

That was a lot at my school like. The reasons are the same that I mentioned before. Appearance, ingenuity and making fun of it. I used to be the isolated one in the classes.

 

[CatTheBus5689]

Whoops posted in the wrong thread.

But anyway I've always been the odd duck when I was younger, always harassed by some shit head or two. But the biggest offender would probably be my parents. Never intentional, th
at just makes it all the more frustrating.

There are just so many small things that they do that are so taxing over the years. But I guess it's just asian parenting in general.

 

[orange]

I am 30 yrs old. And I have been bullied since as long as I can remember.
Bullied at middle school, high school, uni. and now at work and even by my neighbours.
There is simply no escape. I believe much of it has to do with me growing up without a father.
I literally have zero social skills, I am too sensitive. I am weak and timid.

The endless trauma and abuse has made me suicidal.
(I just came out of my New Year's vacation. Everyone visited someplace. But I, I was trapped and hopelessly stuck in my apartment.)
I am too scared to go anywhere new. I carefully limit my daily dose of abuse to my workplace only. I know if I go anyplace new I will face new, unexpected trauma. So I hide all day long.

I truly deserve to die

Are you me? In every social group I've been a part of I've ended up getting bullied. It's nuts because at first I thought I just had bad luck with classmates and it'd get better once I became an adult, but I've also gotten bullied both at work and college now. It does not get better, and i wish I'd jumped out of the rooftop when I was 5 like I wanted to.

It's ruined my life. I have social anxiety, I'm so depressed it's ruined my concentration span and can't study, I ruminate constantly... and they're happy about it too. There's something about me that brings out the worst in people.

 

[ItsMe-Hecked]

I fucking hate it when I involuntarily remember the bullying moments I had in school. It hits me from nowhere, and then I get petrified, with my heart starting to beat faster and having a mini mental breakdown.

I was bullied daily in middle school. I'd always have nasty remarks thrown at, and me being the hypersensitive person that I am I'd always be affected. No matter how much I tried to shrug it off, at home I would always cry because of this. It didn't help that I was the most shy, most ugly and poorest person in the classroom.

The bullying would sometimes get physical. I'd have things thrown at me, and the harassment... I remember a guy touching my back where my bra was and pulling it.

And then I had someone who manipulated me and threatened me throughout all these years, thinking that she was my friend. But we drifted apart after I had enough of her shit and got into a physical fight. After that she slowly turned tothe side of the classroom's shallow bitches and when we'd speak she'd just threaten me and name call me.

When I was in 7th grade, I begged my parents to move me to another school, but they were like "nOoO AFE, u HaVe OnE yEaR lEfT wHy Do It At ThE eNd? SuFfEr FoR oNe MoRe YeAr"

Among the worst was the bullying because I couldn't do Maths at all, not even basic one. I'm terrified of anything Maths or Physics related. As I type this I feel like crying.

Moving to high school, I wasn't as bullied as in middle school. But, I'd still have nasty remarks thrown at sometimes. And I was called ugly once right at the beginning of the first year lol. I was once being teased repeatedly and I told the classmate to stop it politely twice. The third time I lost my temper and I screamed.

In 11th grade when someone moved into the classroom I had the worst bullying days in high school. This newcomer particularly hated on me and terrified me for days. One day, when he kept throwing stuff at me I lost it and started to cry in classroom to which some classmates told him to stop.

Then, in 12th grade, these words still freshly ring in my mind sometimes, the words of a girl I was on good terms with at the beginning, but then she changed into an insufferable shallow bitch that everyone worshipped. She took away the two guys I was on amicable terms with, one of these guys I had crush on in 10th grade when he moved in this classroom. I was in chemistry class sitting at my desk when she and this guy I told about come in and asked her if it's okay if he can sit with me, I'm mentioning we've been deskmates since 11th grade, to which she said "Stay with me, who the fuck would sit with her?".

Yeah, no one would, ever. I'm not worthy of anything. Just suffering and bullying. That's all.


I wasn't bullied only in real life, but also online. I was bullied by two French guys in the game which used to be my favorite to the point that they stole my in game identity.


I realize that what I've been through is little compared to what many of you went through, but it still really affected me and shaped the worldviews that I have nowadays. At this point, I'm just a collection of traumas and consequences of the abuse and bullying I received. Nothing more.

I doubt anyone will read this, but eh.

I feel like curling up into a ball and die.

Hey, it sounds like you've been through a lot. I know we're not the same person, but if you need someone to talk to, my DMs are open. I can relate to a lot of what you have said here, and I'm online most of the time, so message me whenever.

 

[miulake]

at first I thought I just had bad luck with classmates and it'd get better once I became an adult

Oh don't we all think the same. It never gets better. It's one hellscape after the next for us.

 

[return2dreamland]

imagine still living in an abusive household because you're not financially stable enough to run away :') it feels like all of this is never going to end, and with no outlets to cry out to, i have nothing.
yet, after everything they've done to me, i still love my family.
technically, they're all i have left.

 

[neverend]

I ran away from the people that abused me but I don't feel free from them
believing in recovery doesn't seem within reach to me

 

[Deleted member 8975]

My biggest trauma is having seen my partner hanging, I could not arrive in time and I will die with that in mind. Sorry

It has to be one of the most traumatizing things a person can endure.

 

[lostautist]

My biggest traumas and neglect was basically everything until I was 13 or 14 and affected me negatively at times all throughout life. I posted little snippets here and there... maybe I'll have to write it all before...

 

[Journeytoletgo]

Bullying literally gave me social anxiety, loss of confidence socially.