Venting About to break

[_Kaira_]

I am so sorry for this rant. I'm just so upset right now..

I'm sorry if my thoughts seem everywhere, I can't keep this up anymore.

I live with insanely pro-life people, so I feel under constant fire and stress for my 'negativity'. It's really hard to keep up a façade of happiness when I'm already so miserable. I currently don't have a job and I share a room with someone who works remotely. So we're pretty much together 24/7, and I'm getting so f*cking tired of him! He knows I visit this website, our computers are very close to each other. He doesn't do anything about it unless he saw that I was actively attempting something.. with that being said, when I saw someone was about to CTB, I said something accidentally aloud. That's when he asked me about what, that's when the argument started.

So he said something like "I think that site is dangerous and influences all of you."
I counteracted "No..no one comes on this site unless they already had thoughts of suicide." (excluding the pro-lifers/trolls)
Then he said "Yeah, but you're able to look up methods, and advice, and others tell you it's ok to do it(ctb)."

Thats when I went on a long spiel about how people should be able to have a community and place to go when they have no one else to talk to. About how people should have the right to do what they want with their lives. He said "None of you have ever tried." I got TICKED OFF. It made me so mad, how dare he say something like that? That's when I told him "A lot of us have...I've been on this site for like 2 months."

He decided to say "That's not a long time." like ???? He hasn't even been on here for an hour?? He asked "Why should we let or allow anyone to kill themselves? That would make us bad people." I said "Why not? There's so many people on this world. Why should a few million people have to stay here and suffer for others? Is it a moral thing with you?" He proceeded to say we are all selfish for wasting precious life, that we all have the potential to be better, and that someone would have to clean it up.. I tried to argue that yeah, people die all the time. He wasn't hearing it. He truly believes we're all just sick, broken people, influencing each other to kill ourselves with no attempts at improving our lives at all. Lol. He thinks we should not have access to this site, and get 'real' help.

He then said I'm just a negative person, and that he was starting to agree with my mother in the fact that I'm not actually suicidal and just want to bring others down.... I never even wanted to talk about this sh*t. HE ASKED ME.

For those of you who have read a lot of my post history. You'll know that my family is VERY abusive in all ways. He knows this as well. They should be the last people he ever references...

Like I swear. If I had access to SN or anything reliable right now I would go through with it. I don't see why I have to defend myself and everyone else who gets attacked when they believe the only choice they have is CTB. Why do I have to justify my right to die? I'm so f*cking tired of it! Yes, I am in therapy. Yes I am on some sh*tty meds. Yes I am looking for work. It's not good enough though apparently. I have to be all smiley-smiley all happy-happy. Not a shred of depression and I'm not allowed to share my thoughts with anyone like-minded, otherwise I'm not trying hard enough!! Ugh this is enough to make me go insane.

He then stormed out of the room, saying something about him not being able to give opinions....

Sadly, this was not even our first argument about all this sh*t. I'm so f*cking done, I need out of this hellhole. This is the angriest and most upset I've felt in MONTHS.


I just needed to get this off of my chest. Like it makes me SO FURIOUS when people (especially someone I live with) say we're the f*cked up ones for wanting to CTB....

 

[botanormal]

I'm so sorry you have to live with someone who treats you like that. He was completely out of order saying those things about your mother, especially knowing the fact that your family is abusive. That is plain spiteful, and it's clear he doesn't have your best interests in mind when saying all of these things, he's just trying to further his own agenda. And the most annoying thing, is after saying all of that crap he complains about not being able to give opinions. Yeah, because that wasn't just an opinion, it was malicious and clearly intended to make you feel worse, or at the very least not intended to help make you feel better. At least, that's the way I see it. People like that will never accept or even try to understand the pro-choice mentality, I think there's no point even trying to talk to them about it. If it's possible for you to avoid it in any way you definitely should, although I know it probably isn't that easy. You have every right to feel upset over this, it's a really horrible situation to have to be in. You should never feel forced to keep up a 'happy' act for anybody, but especially not for someone like him who'll treat you like that for the sake of winning an argument. I hope you don't have to be around him for much longer, it really sucks you are forced to be around him. I'm glad you got to rant about this, please know you are heard and your feelings are completely valid. I'm wishing you nothing but the best, and sending the biggest hugs right now!

 

[Ghost2211]

Fights at home are the worst. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. There is really no talking to peolifers about this site. They will never get it. Next time do yourself a favor and just say " I don't want to talk about is since you'll never see my side of things".

 

[Arrow]

holy shit, what an incredibly rude guy. what kind of cold person says depressed suicidal and mentally ill people never actually try and just want to bring others down? not sure how i would've reacted if someone said that to me.

 

[whywere]

My heart breaks for you having to put up with a narrow minded person like your roommate. I am a firm believer that it is " easy to judge, hard to understand". I have had people straight out ask me a mental health question about myself and then roll their eyes. You deserve MUCH better than your current situation. You have all my love, caring, empathy, kindness and support as one of our global family members. Please take great care of yourself! Walter

 

[Iloveyouall]

Easy to say but next time maybe tell this person that you don't care about opinions of people who don't know shit about what they are talking.
Take care buddy, courage. If you need a place where you can feel like a real human being we are always here.

 

[_Kaira_]

Easy to say but next time maybe tell this person that you don't care about opinions of people who don't know shit about what they are talking.
Take care buddy, courage. If you need a place where you can feel like a real human being we are always here.

Yeah I'll try to be more consistent with that. Although he has said "i do understand, I've been depressed too. I just appreciate life more now." I really can't understand why he tries to invalidate my feelings and discredit this site if that's the case.

Of course, pretty much the only place I feel a shred of humanity, many thanks.

 

[Meditation guide]

I really can't understand why he tries to invalidate my feelings and discredit this site if that's the case.

Realize how hurtful it is to have these types of discussions and do not respond or reply if he starts up again about it.
Do not get yourself sucked into these pointless and painful discussions. No good ever comes from it.

 

[Iloveyouall]

I really can't understand why he tries to invalidate my feelings and discredit this site if that's the case.

Maybe it's kind of a coping mechanism to his own depressive thoughts like:
498 × 280

I know few people who don't even try to listen to their heart while it's obvious they have huge emotional problems and try to look like they are strong while you can clearly hear their inside kid yelling in pain through their shell.

Do you know what he was depressed about ?

 

[_Kaira_]

Realize how hurtful it is to have these types of discussions and do not respond or reply if he starts up again about it.
Do not get yourself sucked into these pointless and painful discussions. No good ever comes from it.

Yeah I should have learned by now that he's not the person to talk to about my feelings. That is completely my fault. I just didn't think this case would go 0 to 100 so fast when all I did was make a sad comment about someone saying goodbye.

Maybe it's kind of a coping mechanism to his own depressive thoughts like:
498 × 280

I know few people who don't even try to listen to their heart while it's obvious they have huge emotional problems and try to look like they are strong while you can clearly hear their inside kid yelling in pain inside their shell.

Do you know what he was depressed about ?

Probably. He doesn't like to hear that I'm still depressed and that my therapy/meds aren't working miraculously. He used to say he was depressed/suicidal over not being successful (career wise). That he didn't want to work minimum wage his whole life. Well now he's in an internship for a programming career, so he's in a much better position. Now, if he says he's depressed, he says it's cause of having to be around me. Which I understand to some level, I am a difficult person to be around some times...

 

[Meditation guide]

Put up a mental boundary. Do not respond. Stay silent. Above all else, remember to stay silent.

 

[Iloveyouall]

Probably. He doesn't like to hear that I'm still depressed and that my therapy/meds aren't working miraculously. He used to say he was depressed/suicidal over not being successful (career wise). That he didn't want to work minimum wage his whole life. Well now he's in an internship for a programming career, so he's in a much better position. Now, if he says he's depressed, he says it's cause of having to be around me.

Damn, the kid inside him must be screaming really hard...
xD I'm not sure if he really understands what depression really is. I don't know him, don't know what he experienced but he seems more like having sad moods than really being depressed.

 

[_Kaira_]

Put up a mental boundary. Do not respond. Stay silent. Above all else, remember to stay silent.

I'll try harder to do this. It'll be hard cause my anger issues are my fatal flaw, but I'm getting tired of being made out to be the insane b*tch he has claimed me to be before, just because I can't hold my mouth back. Thank you

Damn, the kid inside him must be screaming really hard...
xD I'm not sure if he really understands what depression really is. I don't know him, don't know what he experienced but he seems more like having sad moods than really being depressed.

We've had the very occasional heart to heart. From his own words, he's said that his life hasn't been that hard, and that he thinks his parents should have been tougher on him. I have pointed out that he said he was suicidal as well, but he said he would never actually do it cause he loves life. So yes, I agree it's not full on depression, and just swings of various amounts of sadness/anxiety.

 

[Iloveyouall]

We've had the very occasional heart to heart. From his own words, he's said that his life hasn't been that hard, and that he thinks his parents should have been tougher on him. I have pointed out that he said he was suicidal as well, but he said he would never actually do it cause he loves life. So yes, I agree it's not full on depression, and just swings of various amounts of sadness/anxiety.

Awww that's cute, poor baby was all sad because he couldn't find an easy job and he uses big words like "suicide" and 'depression". xD
Sorry for laughing but I find it comical so much it's kind of ridiculous. Not doubting that those kind of questionning can be very stressful but he should weight his words better and realize that he has a lot of luck for being ignorant of what depression really feels like.

 

[Huntfish34]

Damnt... I'm sorry to hear all of that. Been in situations kinda similar myself.

I never really liked this phrase But remember... " Opinions are like assholes, Everybody has one ". It's your body and you're Life ultimately. I see where he's trying to do right in the long term,. But fuck that dude. You deserve better.

 

[_Kaira_]

Awww that's cute, poor baby was all sad because he couldn't find an easy job and he uses big words like "suicide" and 'depression". xD
Sorry for laughing but I find it comical so much it's kind of ridiculous. Not doubting that those kind of questionning can be very stressful but he should weight his words better and realize that he has a lot of luck for being ignorant of what depression really feels like.

I have felt bad for him. I know the feeling of not really wanting to be trapped in a dead end job. I don't really want to discredit any feelings he may have, as it would be hypocritical of me. I can see his mood swings. But I honestly just don't see clinical depression in him. He has a good job going for him, a loving family, fit body, and again in his words he LOVES life. I just fail to see anything that points to how a lot of us feel...

To think I thought I was able to relate with him :/. Hate it when he says "I understand how you feel, but...." Can't wait for the day I move out or CTB. Whichever comes first.

Damnt... I'm sorry to hear all of that. Been in situations kinda similar myself.

I never really liked this phrase But remember... " Opinions are like assholes, Everybody has one ". It's your body and you're Life ultimately. I see where he's trying to do right in the long term,. But fuck that dude. You deserve better.

I agree with you fully. But I'm told my opinions are flawed cause I'm sick. Told that I don't have the right to do what I'd like cause "Life is valuable."

I also see what he is trying to do. But ultimately it's not his, and so many other pro-lifers' call to tell us whether we can or can't CTB. I have my irrational moments. But when I'm calm, I still feel the same as that irrational side I have...

 

[Iloveyouall]

I have felt bad for him. I know the feeling of not really wanting to be trapped in a dead end job. I don't really want to discredit any feelings he may have, as it would be hypocritical of me. I can see his mood swings. But I honestly just don't see clinical depression in him. He has a good job going for him, a loving family, fit body, and again in his words he LOVES life. I just fail to see anything that points to how a lot of us feel...

To think I thought I was able to relate with him :/. Hate it when he says "I understand how you feel, but...." Can't wait for the day I move out or CTB. Whichever comes first.

I realised after my post that I shouldn't have laugh about it or at least I shouldn't have been discrediting his feelings. But yeah it's the part of "I understand how you feel" that actually I admit infuriates me. It's like he thinks he knows so he permit himself to talk and judge while he just doesn't know at all.

 

[_Kaira_]

I realised after my post that I shouldn't have laugh about it or at least I shouldn't have been discrediting his feelings. But yeah it's the part of "I understand how you feel" that actually I admit infuriates me. It's like he thinks he knows so he permit himself to talk and judge while he just doesn't know at all.

Oh no, don't worry about that. I laugh about it myself from time to time. I do find it ridiculous to use such a strong concept for what he claims as the occasional sads. Overall though, I was referring to the fact that I can't tell him he doesn't have to right to feel that way. But perhaps he should not raise "I want to die..." as his reasoning. That in itself is contradictory. I agree! He always tells me he knows what I'm going through whenever I so much as utter the word 'depressed'.

 

[Iloveyouall]

Overall though, I was referring to the fact that I can't tell him he doesn't have to right to feel that way.

You absolutely right.

He always tells me he knows what I'm going through whenever he so much sniffs the 'depression' out of me.

I admit I would have a lot of difficulties not exploding in pure anger if there was someone telling me that. They would prolly lock me up xD
You're actually pretty zen even if I can imagine you must be boiling inside when you hear him.

 

[_Kaira_]

I admit I would have a lot of difficulties not exploding in pure anger if there was someone telling me that. They would prolly lock me up xD
You're actually pretty zen even if I can imagine you must be boiling inside when you hear him.

You give me too much credit xD. I am probably the complete opposite of zen, at least when my fuse runs out. My only good thing is that I am able to think somewhat logically when I'm calm. My original post was anything but calm. But I have since cooled down a bit. I'd probably still be fuming if I wasn't allowed to talk about it here.

But trust me. Even when he and I aren't arguing, he's still pretty obnoxious. I won't go into detail, but his version of having fun is pestering someone till they snap.

 

[Iloveyouall]

I won't go into detail, but his version of having fun is pestering someone till they snap.

Why did I even felt a little ounce of pity for him for a short instant ? He seems like a brat. I knew too much of those idiots, they are sad and pathetic people. His opinions worth nothing.

I don't know if you're into this kind of things but maybe next time he infuriates you, just breath and be extremely cold, distant, even dispiseful and cruel like saying what @Huntfish34 wisely said: "opinions are like assholes, everybody has one." or "No one cares about what you think." or "Awww that's cute, the little brat thinks he can have a valid opinion about something." Maybe it will teach him to shut up and grow up.
I don't know, we could brainstorm some rude punchlines if you want. That could be fun. x)
Sorry I might seem very acid here.

 

[_Kaira_]

Why did I even felt a little ounce of pity for him for a short instant ? He seems like a brat. I knew too much of those idiots, they are sad and pathetic people. His opinions worth nothing.

I don't know if you're into this kind of things but maybe next time he infuriates you, just breath and be extremely cold, distant, even dispiseful and cruel like saying what @Huntfish34 wisely said: "opinions are like assholes, everybody has one." or "No one cares about what you think." or "Awww that's cute, the little brat thinks he can have a valid opinion about something." Maybe it will teach him to shut up and grow up.
I don't know, we could brainstorm some rude punchlines if you want. That could be fun. x)
Sorry I might seem very acid here.

I appreciate your thoughts and time so much, you don't even know. Somedays, even though I do feel a strong need to get back at him sometimes, I can't really. Despite everything, they are housing me. They let me get away from my even worse family. They already do think I don't respect them as it is. The day will hopefully come that I can leave with a clear conscious that I did my best to get along. The best I could do is practice silence, and close off my vulnerable heart.

 

[Iloveyouall]

I appreciate your thoughts and time so much, you don't even know. Somedays, even though I do feel a strong need to get back at him sometimes, I can't really. Despite everything, they are housing me. They let me get away from my even worse family. They already do think I don't respect them as it is. The day will hopefully come that I can leave with a clear conscious that I did my best to get along. The best I could do is practice silence, and close off my vulnerable heart.

You don't respect them because you're not all dumby happy 24/7 ? Are those ppl nuts ?
Please don't close your heart too much, I know it hurts but mankind needs open hearts.

 

[_Kaira_]

You don't respect them because you're not all dumby happy 24/7 ? Are those ppl nuts ?
Please don't close your heart too much, I know it hurts but mankind needs open hearts.

Pretty much. Have to be fake or there'll be an issue. But it's whatever. As far as they go, arguing and letting them get to me is just eventually gonna make me have another breakdown. lol.

 

[Iloveyouall]

Pretty much. Have to be fake or there'll be an issue. But it's whatever. As far as they go, arguing and letting them get to me is just eventually gonna make me have another breakdown. lol.

Maybe you could take it as a game or like an acting school, or maybe you could be like a reporter into a family of crazy pro-lifers. Not easy I agree as depression is something very overwhelming but maybe fliping how you conceive this situation could transform it as an opportunity. I know it sounds like some kind of blabberish personal development technique but there is at least this place where you can trully be yourself and share your reports as you'd be some kind of infiltrated spy :3

 

[Weary Soul]

His words were so very hurtful and self-centered/self-motivated. I am so sorry this happened to you.

Love and hugs to you!

 

[_Kaira_]

Maybe you could take it as a game or like an acting school, or maybe you could be like a reporter into a family of crazy pro-lifers. Not easy I agree as depression is something very overwhelming but maybe fliping how you conceive this situation could transform it as an opportunity. I know it sounds like some kind of blabberish personal development technique but there is at least this place where you can trully be yourself and share your reports as you'd be some kind of infiltrated spy :3

You're right. Overall I really do need to get better at the acting stuff, atleast in my current living situation. It just sucks so much, shouldn't have to be this way. Was pretty furious yesterday, but now just so sad. I feel like a pretender anywhere I go. Just don't belong.

As I was writing this, we were talking about how the job market sucks right now. Because after reading a comment about someone's struggle to find a job, I said all of America is having a bad job market. He told me to go to his program (it's a lot more complicated to get into than just signing up). I told him no, because I knew I wouldn't be able to make it. That's when he said "There's plenty of jobs. You just don't want help." I swear, soooo aggravating, how do I not get angry at that sh*t?

Actually making me start to question my sanity.

His words were so very hurtful and self-centered/self-motivated. I am so sorry this happened to you.

Love and hugs to you!

Been happening for a while, just never thought to post about it since I have to be grateful for them taking me away from my family. So it's ok I guess.

quick edit: well it's not ok...but I can't do much about it till I get a job...

Thank you

 

[Iloveyouall]

I feel like a pretender anywhere I go. Just don't belong.

I feel you. Besides maybe with my parents and here, I don't feel like being myself.

That's when he said "There's plenty of jobs. You just don't want help." I swear, soooo aggravating, how do I not get angry at that sh*t?

Omg that dude, such a cliché...
Even with a little research people can easily find out that unemployment is getting higher in the US as a lot of people are getting erased from the unemployed file because they can only find a sustainable job but not on the long term. Of course there are plenty of jobs but depends on where you live and it's not fun to work at minimum wage for a job you don't even know if you'll be able to keep it for long.
Don't worry about your sanity, you are sane.

 

[_Kaira_]

Omg that dude, such a cliché...
Even with a little research people can easily find out that unemployment is getting higher in the US as a lot of people are getting erased from the unemployed file because they can only find a sustainable job but not on the long term. Of course there are plenty of jobs but depends on where you live and it's not fun to work at minimum wage for a job you don't even know if you'll be able to keep it for long.
Don't worry about your sanity, you are sane.

The overflow of people looking for jobs is the problem. I've been looking on indeed for a while now. Every single post usually says 100+ applicants. It just sucks. So many people trying to get that same crappy min wage job, but probably will get fired a month later even if they do get hired cause of a high turnover rate. There's just way too much competition for people WITH skills to get jobs. Forget about those without any beneficial skills or work history...

It's funny that you say that. Not a day goes by where I'm not told "you're just sick." Or "I don't really know why you're depressed." :\ I wish sooo much I could go back in time. If not to stop my own birth, atleast stop myself from showing any signs of abnormality!

 

[Iloveyouall]

The overflow of people looking for jobs is the problem. I've been looking on indeed for a while now. Every single post usually says 100+ applicants. It just sucks. So many people trying to get that same crappy min wage job, but probably will get fired a month later even if they do get hired cause of a high turnover rate. There's just way too much competition for people WITH skills to get jobs. Forget about those without any beneficial skills or work history...

It's funny that you say that. Not a day goes by where I'm not told "you're just sick." Or "I don't really know why you're depressed." :\ I wish sooo much I could go back in time. If not to stop my own birth, atleast stop myself from showing any signs of abnormality!

Damn +100 applicants O___O. I guess it's all the people that lost their jobs at the beginning of covid that now have nothing left in the fridge and need a job whatever it takes.
What is your "super annoying friend" program ? He manages to win money with this economic context or is he just braging about how he has a lot of will because that's all what is needed of course ?
I suppose their is actually no need to even really talk to those people, they are nuts.