Venting Abandoning the possibility of suicide in earnest

[Black_Knight]

I think I've relied on the "my mom would be sad" argument too heavily to approach this problem. It doesn't help me, it feels like another restriction and restrictions are part of why I want to ctb, so weirdly it fuels the desire because I want to not have to live in a world where someone else would be affected if I choose to leave it. I made a post earlier about how I wanted to "experiment" with death, and then I thought about an experiment like that going wrong, and how fucked up it would be. Not because anyone would be sad, but because the enlightenment I was looking for wouldn't come, the end result would just be a dead body, and the total waste of everything that makes up that body, the waste of everything its past was building up to, and the waste of its future. It was a really sad image, and I think that's when I realized how other people see suicide from an external perspective. It felt like truth vs fiction. I don't wanna be just a dead body.

I have to find some other approach. I use suicide as a crutch. All I have to do is get past the SI barrier for a few seconds (that extend into infinity when you experience them) and then it's done. I don't have to worry about anything anymore. No one can tell me what to do, no one can artificially inflict suffering on me to make me a certain way. And that's the truth, but it's also a fiction, because the loss that accompanies it is incomprehensible. And it turns out I actually like comprehending things, and you have to be alive to do that. I don't hate myself so much anymore that I think I'm an object who shouldn't exist. Well sometimes I do, but then I think about parts of myself that only I know, and then I think about how someone (me) appreciates my being, and I don't want to lose that thread. And it might sound egotistical, but I don't think the world should lose the thread of someone who acts as a perceiver on its behalf and appreciates itself on its behalf, especially if something might come of it externally. Because I think a lot of people don't get to do that, and that points to systemic problems in how we treat each other and the world "treats" us.

I think I hate death, both in the real sense, but even moreso in the sense of the little deaths we die over time. But I know it'll inevitably happen so I run into this barrier where it's like, you should just do it now while you can still control the circumstances.

I just wish things were different, and I feel like I have no power to make things different.

 

[Black_Knight]

No one ever replies to my posts. Something makes me fundamentally unlikeable. I don't really even want to know what. It's just a part of my life; I'm not allowed the same things other people think of as completely normal parts of their reality. I have many material advantages, and I'm grateful for that, but that twists it, because I know the only problem is and ever will be me.

It's funny because now that I'm waking up earlier, my personal party time starts earlier. Usually when I'm at this level of euphoria it's at least midnight. Holy shit I might actually love waking up early.

I don't even want anyone to reply. I don't want the scrutiny, I don't want to collide with anyone else's world unless it's wholly accepting of mine and I can do the same in turn. It's a fucking blessing, always has been. My intangible, undiagnosable weirdness. Fuck all that.

Thank God I am who I am and not someone else. That's why I don't want to die. R8, h8 or masturb8, I don't give a fuck anymore

 

[DeniedPeace]

Your words make me think you are an interesting person.
Hit me a DM if you want to chat.

 

[Black_Knight]

Your words make me think you are an interesting person.
Hit me a DM if you want to chat.

Be careful, I might take you up on that when you least expect it

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

The only strategy for me is to find another mental cope. Something that's equally escapist, but maybe not as harmful. For me I'd imagine some other world filled with people living stress free lives and where just by nature of their existence in the world they know they're good people. But, idk, specifically targeting the 'ideation' part was what helped me. I'm on a suicide forum so obviously I fell off the wagon big time. But the idea is that thought patterns literally rewire your brain. It's "neurons that fire together wire together", so the more you think about killing yourself, the more it gets burned into your synapses. So it's really a mind over matter thing.

I also think your view on enlightenment definitely seems healthy, IMO. I think if you're living for happiness, that's really fragile. But if you're living to 'find your true self', then as long as you're not arrogant enough to believe you've already found it (a trap I frequently fall into), then you'll always have a reason to wake up tomorrow. Living to be an observer, a learner, a seer of things, is a perfectly valid reason to go on.

I also think it's good to wake up early! I love to sleep, and Idk. Waking up early, means going to bed early, and it's somehow less exhausting to be up from 6AM to 10pm then it is to be up from 9 AM to 1AM.