TAW122
Emissary of the right to die.
- Aug 30, 2018
- 7,212
In another previous thread, I discussed about the issue of one who was forced or pressured into recovery versus actual (genuine) recovery. Then there is also another thread I wrote about being outlived by others and also the unnatural, anticlimactic state that one finds oneself in. I myself found myself in a similar situation and this thread will just be an anecdote to just that. Before I begin, I will state that the line between recovery and coping was really more/less blurred somewhat are while they are similar, they are actually distinct, even if it may appear to the outside observer otherwise.
Of course, only the person oneself knows about whether oneself actually considers a recovery genuine or not or whether one is coping or not. Additionally, recoveries are not a continuous state nor permanent, but comes and goes, for some it could be longer lasting, but for others it could be short lived. What I mean by the outside observer having seen what appears to be recovery, it may be deceptive and not actual, genuine recovery, depending on the person themselves and their state of mind as well as the internal and personal matters that one is dealing with. With that said here is my story and example:
TAW122's small, temporary recovery, but later just copes (The year 2019)
It was the year 2019, and at the time, I had the means of CTB'ing at the ready and was rather confident and even calm, knowing that I had the means to go if things don't work out or become unbearable. I felt the relief that I haven't felt before and the empowerment that I never really had prior to that year due to the method of CTB being available, reliable, and being confident in being able to execute said method. Then of course, some good things happened in 2019, which allowed for a small, temporary recovery, albeit it was short lived. Main events in 2019 were meeting a ladyfriend whom I'd look up to and at the time was 'special' to me and my interaction with her was pleasant at the time. Then also later that year, I traveled to Europe to a place to lose my virginity (something I've always done). But of course, besides the 2020 global pandemic and various other things, I considered the time period to be rather "unnatural and even anticlimatic" such that if I had just finished the things I did or so, I would have an actual conclusion (even though it may appear tragic to others, it is not to the person (myself) experiencing it or not lingering on). Though of course, when I did linger on, I don't consider myself to have an actual recovery during those times, but rather "coping".
Of course, when it comes to choice, it's all up to the individual and also again, only the individual will know with absolute certainty of whether they consider their recovery to be actual, genuine, or if they are coping. For myself, I consider myself even though there are reprieves, actual long term recovery really isn't a thing as there are ebbs and flows, but rather it is just merely a cope. It certainly feels anticlimactic and unnatural to be around rather than to reach a certain state of where I genuinely enjoyed sentience. Perhaps I never really genuinely enjoyed sentience, barring maybe childhood where ignorance is bliss (though I personally, for myself, don't consider that to be actual indication of enjoyment of life!). So I'm just putting my anecdotal story to further explain and elaborate more specifically what my threads about "forced/pressured recovery vs actual recovery is" as well as my other thread about "others outliving oneself" and how that it felt anticlimactic and unnatural for me. Ultimately, I consider myself coping and while others (especially from an outsider observer) may see it as some recovery, again, only I and I myself alone knows… Just for reference, I don't consider nor interested in actual recovery, but just ensuring that I either cope well enough or find all the courage and be 100% ready, at peace, all perfectly ready to CTB if and when the situation and circumstances are perfect (or very close to such). I used my year 2019 story just as an example of time of small temporary recovery for reference.
Of course, only the person oneself knows about whether oneself actually considers a recovery genuine or not or whether one is coping or not. Additionally, recoveries are not a continuous state nor permanent, but comes and goes, for some it could be longer lasting, but for others it could be short lived. What I mean by the outside observer having seen what appears to be recovery, it may be deceptive and not actual, genuine recovery, depending on the person themselves and their state of mind as well as the internal and personal matters that one is dealing with. With that said here is my story and example:
TAW122's small, temporary recovery, but later just copes (The year 2019)
It was the year 2019, and at the time, I had the means of CTB'ing at the ready and was rather confident and even calm, knowing that I had the means to go if things don't work out or become unbearable. I felt the relief that I haven't felt before and the empowerment that I never really had prior to that year due to the method of CTB being available, reliable, and being confident in being able to execute said method. Then of course, some good things happened in 2019, which allowed for a small, temporary recovery, albeit it was short lived. Main events in 2019 were meeting a ladyfriend whom I'd look up to and at the time was 'special' to me and my interaction with her was pleasant at the time. Then also later that year, I traveled to Europe to a place to lose my virginity (something I've always done). But of course, besides the 2020 global pandemic and various other things, I considered the time period to be rather "unnatural and even anticlimatic" such that if I had just finished the things I did or so, I would have an actual conclusion (even though it may appear tragic to others, it is not to the person (myself) experiencing it or not lingering on). Though of course, when I did linger on, I don't consider myself to have an actual recovery during those times, but rather "coping".
Of course, when it comes to choice, it's all up to the individual and also again, only the individual will know with absolute certainty of whether they consider their recovery to be actual, genuine, or if they are coping. For myself, I consider myself even though there are reprieves, actual long term recovery really isn't a thing as there are ebbs and flows, but rather it is just merely a cope. It certainly feels anticlimactic and unnatural to be around rather than to reach a certain state of where I genuinely enjoyed sentience. Perhaps I never really genuinely enjoyed sentience, barring maybe childhood where ignorance is bliss (though I personally, for myself, don't consider that to be actual indication of enjoyment of life!). So I'm just putting my anecdotal story to further explain and elaborate more specifically what my threads about "forced/pressured recovery vs actual recovery is" as well as my other thread about "others outliving oneself" and how that it felt anticlimactic and unnatural for me. Ultimately, I consider myself coping and while others (especially from an outsider observer) may see it as some recovery, again, only I and I myself alone knows… Just for reference, I don't consider nor interested in actual recovery, but just ensuring that I either cope well enough or find all the courage and be 100% ready, at peace, all perfectly ready to CTB if and when the situation and circumstances are perfect (or very close to such). I used my year 2019 story just as an example of time of small temporary recovery for reference.
