Help A person is trying to "save" me, but doesn't seem to actually care at all if I die. What do you think is going on here?

[Cinnamorolls]

I have a very confusing predicament going on. I'm someone who does not have any family, friends, or partner and thus no one to care if I was dead. I have been coming closer to CTB this year than any other, being very much at the end of the rope and ready to go. However, I recently became somewhat close with someone who claims to care about me a lot, has expressed distress at the thought of me killing myself, and even cried when we have talked about it. He will say things like "I care about you, please don't do that to me" while sobbing. He says he would be "devastated" if I died and that it would "ruin his life."

However, this person at the same time:

- Does not talk to me unless I talk to him first. Same with requesting to see him in-person. We talk/see each other infrequently, inconsistently, and in a very limited capacity.
- There is no kindness or warmth in our interactions - it's cold and distant, like there's a wall between us.
- Treats me like a burden any time I want to talk or see him.
- Does not prioritize talking to/seeing me. Too busy with his social life (same people, same activities, multiple days a week, every week). Claims "everyone" would prioritize social activities over a deeply at-risk person going through a crisis.
- Does not want me to stay in his life in any manner. Not romantically, not platonically, nothing. He says he just wants me to get better and then go separate ways/never talk again.
- Repeatedly reminds me that he wants me to leave/go away/end interactions with him and that he hopes it won't be much longer until that happens.

Despite all that, he's constantly claiming he cares about me, does not want me to die, and wants to help me. I have never had anyone care about me or offer to help me get better before, so I don't know what it's like, but this all seems wrong to me? If someone would be "devastated" by my death, shouldn't that mean I'm a valuable part of their life that they want to keep around, because they enjoy my existence? What's the difference of me being dead vs not talking to them ever again which is apparently what they want? It's the same outcome!

Am I crazy, guys? Or being unreasonable here? In my view, if someone truly cares about you and wants to save you, they would at minimum:

- Reach out to check on you often, even just through text. Want to talk/see you at least a couple times a week to make sure you're not going through everything alone and spiraling.
- Prioritize supporting you and getting you stabilized over their very frequent social activities (not sacrificing ALL of it, obviously - boundaries are important - but willing to sacrifice a little bit of it instead of pushing you to the sidelines while not giving a shit how much you're suffering every additional day/week they make you wait around).
- Show that they care by saying they'll be there for you, they're not going anywhere, and that they value/enjoy having you around. Wanting you to stay in their life because you're important to them.

Any theories on wtf is going on in this person's mind? I've always told myself I'd be willing to stay alive if I just had someone who cared, so I've been clinging to life because of this individual, believing there must be some meaning to our meeting and his timely intervention in my plans to kill myself... but why am I doing that for someone who just wants me to go away regardless? How do these words/actions make ANY sense?

 

[flightless bird]

he might care about your well-being but may not want a close relationship. it's very much possible.