vivia
(ā āæā ^ā āæā ^ā )
- May 13, 2025
- 107
for a guy like me who never goes out and is stuck at home lonely af, holding back the urge to fap is straight up impossible. some of you probably think fapping is normal for dudes like us, right? but for me it's just annoying af... all the stereotypes and my brain that always makes me feel guilty afterward. and i'm gay or bi or maybe pan, idk. so yeah, all that shit just makes quitting even harder, lol. during covid i basically locked myself inside, lonely af, just fucking around on the internet. i was always shit at making friends even before covid, but at least a few people used to wanna hang with me. after everyone had to stay home, it just fucked everything up for me. nobody to talk to or anything, so i just kept isolating. on the flip side, i got way more open to the online world. learned a ton of shit, good or bad, i dove right in. idk if it's good for me or not, but it was the only way i could cope with being so alone, bruh
not like i had a ton of friends on the internet anyway, i'm shit at making friends irl or anywhere. from 2019 to now i only had one friend circle online, and that shit fell apart in 2023. i seriously can't move on from them... feels like my whole "childhood era" was spent there. now that the world's finally getting back to normal, i step outside only to be some invisible alien who knows no one and is left in the dust, even missing those old buds who used to chill with me. covid was basically a timeskip for everyone, some of us got mad skills, some got even dumber, some stayed the same. me included, lol. but now i'm still chillin in the internet camp. an introvert like me feels like this place is honestly the only safe, low-risk spot for anything, cuz we're all anonymous here. i know how to handle myself and i'm aware of everything online... grooming, racism, terrorism, all that shit, i know it and i avoid it. not that i'm naive, but yeah, at the end of the day i'm still lonely even though i found a spot to hang in this world, the internet
this loneliness is dragging me deeper into the hell that's my life. i can't do shit to cheer myself up besides fapping. from the covid days until now (late 2025), i just can't shake this thing called fapping. like seriously, someone as dumb and lonely as me... what the fuck else am i gonna do to entertain myself? play games? i don't even have a decent rig. watch series or movies? my attention span's shorter than a tiktok. everything just loops back to me. the more i fap, the harder it is to quit, and that's when my life started going to shit. thinking about the impact and all, including what people say, even though they don't wanna help me out of this hole. they just leave me and call me a porn maniac without knowing why i'm like this. i feel like blaming people again, but that's too selfish, since it's also my fault for not controlling my urges and not finding the right way to cope. i really wanna quit fapping for good, but i always end up fucking failing, even now. on top of that, this loneliness makes me crave someone to be with me again, as a friend or maybe more. you could say i really want somebody to do shit with me, beyond just being friends. i don't wanna label myself incel or volcel or whatever, i still wanna live a normal life and all, but the problem is one, it's fucking hard for me to change
and yeah, all this shit made me someone who don't pick and choose in love... you could call me... bisexual, maybe? i want anyone to believe in me, help me change, all that. basically i just wanna be a better person. but on the flip side, being bi also makes it harder to control my fapping habit, i'm easily horny at seeing guys or girls, might sound freaky or whatever, but that's just how i am. i don't wanna be a creep, but cuz of this loneliness, i end up falling in love easily with people, guys or girls. even over the tiniest shit i turn into a clumsy clingy mess. on the other hand, this shit drains me too. sometimes i go totally quiet and can't express shit, or on the flip, i become chaotic and clingy. i'm tired. outside of all this i don't even know what else to do. i don't know myself anymore, i'm left in the dust compared to others. i keep thinking about ctb, but still i can't do it. i think about changing, but still, i can't because i'm lazy. i keep blaming myself for all this. maybe even, i hate myself more for being like this than blaming or hating on people or this world. i'm confused what to do, any advice? someone like me still worth it to stick around or what?
to be real, this is only one of the many reasons i feel this dumb. there are still a lot more, but if i list them one by one, i'll get tired too, and maybe y'all will get tired of reading it too. maybe i'm overreacting, maybe i'm just scared, maybe i'm this and that, but one thing's for sure, i'm tired. i wanna change. i still wanna be a better person. i still want other people to see me as a good person. not just a joke that makes me say, "this is slowly makin me forget who i even am. feels like i'm only there as a subject, or some little image they made for me, not the other way around. my steps always feel boxed in when people like this are around. i wanna dip, but then i remember, nobody else would really take me in anyway, even if they would do it in the same dumb way~"
not like i had a ton of friends on the internet anyway, i'm shit at making friends irl or anywhere. from 2019 to now i only had one friend circle online, and that shit fell apart in 2023. i seriously can't move on from them... feels like my whole "childhood era" was spent there. now that the world's finally getting back to normal, i step outside only to be some invisible alien who knows no one and is left in the dust, even missing those old buds who used to chill with me. covid was basically a timeskip for everyone, some of us got mad skills, some got even dumber, some stayed the same. me included, lol. but now i'm still chillin in the internet camp. an introvert like me feels like this place is honestly the only safe, low-risk spot for anything, cuz we're all anonymous here. i know how to handle myself and i'm aware of everything online... grooming, racism, terrorism, all that shit, i know it and i avoid it. not that i'm naive, but yeah, at the end of the day i'm still lonely even though i found a spot to hang in this world, the internet
this loneliness is dragging me deeper into the hell that's my life. i can't do shit to cheer myself up besides fapping. from the covid days until now (late 2025), i just can't shake this thing called fapping. like seriously, someone as dumb and lonely as me... what the fuck else am i gonna do to entertain myself? play games? i don't even have a decent rig. watch series or movies? my attention span's shorter than a tiktok. everything just loops back to me. the more i fap, the harder it is to quit, and that's when my life started going to shit. thinking about the impact and all, including what people say, even though they don't wanna help me out of this hole. they just leave me and call me a porn maniac without knowing why i'm like this. i feel like blaming people again, but that's too selfish, since it's also my fault for not controlling my urges and not finding the right way to cope. i really wanna quit fapping for good, but i always end up fucking failing, even now. on top of that, this loneliness makes me crave someone to be with me again, as a friend or maybe more. you could say i really want somebody to do shit with me, beyond just being friends. i don't wanna label myself incel or volcel or whatever, i still wanna live a normal life and all, but the problem is one, it's fucking hard for me to change
and yeah, all this shit made me someone who don't pick and choose in love... you could call me... bisexual, maybe? i want anyone to believe in me, help me change, all that. basically i just wanna be a better person. but on the flip side, being bi also makes it harder to control my fapping habit, i'm easily horny at seeing guys or girls, might sound freaky or whatever, but that's just how i am. i don't wanna be a creep, but cuz of this loneliness, i end up falling in love easily with people, guys or girls. even over the tiniest shit i turn into a clumsy clingy mess. on the other hand, this shit drains me too. sometimes i go totally quiet and can't express shit, or on the flip, i become chaotic and clingy. i'm tired. outside of all this i don't even know what else to do. i don't know myself anymore, i'm left in the dust compared to others. i keep thinking about ctb, but still i can't do it. i think about changing, but still, i can't because i'm lazy. i keep blaming myself for all this. maybe even, i hate myself more for being like this than blaming or hating on people or this world. i'm confused what to do, any advice? someone like me still worth it to stick around or what?
to be real, this is only one of the many reasons i feel this dumb. there are still a lot more, but if i list them one by one, i'll get tired too, and maybe y'all will get tired of reading it too. maybe i'm overreacting, maybe i'm just scared, maybe i'm this and that, but one thing's for sure, i'm tired. i wanna change. i still wanna be a better person. i still want other people to see me as a good person. not just a joke that makes me say, "this is slowly makin me forget who i even am. feels like i'm only there as a subject, or some little image they made for me, not the other way around. my steps always feel boxed in when people like this are around. i wanna dip, but then i remember, nobody else would really take me in anyway, even if they would do it in the same dumb way~"
