JustaDreamer
Nothing too interesting. My bad.
- Jan 7, 2024
- 1
Hello! I was here in this website for quite awhile now around late 2023... I didn't really bothered making an acc back then I'm quite shy. This is my first message/thread in this website so why not start things off with some introduction yeah?
Its been 3-4 ish years since I'm like this thinking about dying everyday... although when I was a kid around the age of 12 I started to mutter really questionable words in relation to suicide and hopelessness whenever I cry or do trouble. Started off as a simple "self-hatred" due to the things I did and my behavior. But overtime as I mature and more thoughtful about everything. I started to see that "I'm really a shit person" no wonder noone really likes me they just force themselves to.
In my family i'm quite the trouble even from the start. And well I didn't really grew up with my biological father due to him denying his responsibilities. Well I do have a "step-father" now but we dont really get along well. To be honest he likes my siblings more than I do. It feels like as if he's forcing himself to care about me cuz he has obligations. This goed on for years maybe up until today
My school life is meh. Elementary was alright, sure we tease and bully each other but it was never personal. High school however everything changed. I was seen as the "odd" mf in class because I don't meet their standards and I'm not the same as everyone else. I never really belong in friend groups unless it's for a group project where am forced to be in one. Nobody really liked me tbh, I usually go home after school maybe enjoy a cup of coffee alone. In my whole high school life I never got any invitations to hangout like none. I only had a few friends but it works to be honest. It felt lonely but it is what it is. That thought started to leave a mark on my head. Then of course the pressure of performing well in academics is there. All for what...? A piece of paper or a piece of painted metal. This is the time when I also started to no longer enjoy such celebrations such as field trips and parties to the point where I didn't even bother attending proms and christmas parties felt dull and new years to come felt insignificant.
Everyday was a cycle of loneliness and a mental battle. The only way of coping is through the little things I have and a handful of japanese vocaloid music. Hopefully that temporary happiness makes me feel something... i Just accept whatever happens at this point. Locking myself in a room only going out when I need to. My sleep schedules are fucked and my weight started to decrease significantly. The only reason why I havent ended myself yet is not because I'm scared... it's because I feel guilty. My 2 siblings are young and they look up to me as the oldest sibling. I need to help them to have a good life yet I struggle to keep going. I couldn't just leave them behind as well as the amount of money my parents used in raising me.
The world and the way it is right now also contributed to my depressive mindsets. corrupt government, society being more and more divided with one another and of course the negativity and stupidity of people these days...
Now that I'm in college I was able to make friends easier cuz you will need each other since college is a massive difficulty spike. Speaking of that, I failed multiple important tests and my grades are not looking too good yeah... Academics started to decline due to my lack of motivation, carelessness and self hate.
Welp heres a lil poem to end this introduction of mine :)
"Such a harsh world we live in, I must say.
Reality hits us day after day.
I Looked upon a once beautiful bay.
As I observe, it gets destroyed today."
Its been 3-4 ish years since I'm like this thinking about dying everyday... although when I was a kid around the age of 12 I started to mutter really questionable words in relation to suicide and hopelessness whenever I cry or do trouble. Started off as a simple "self-hatred" due to the things I did and my behavior. But overtime as I mature and more thoughtful about everything. I started to see that "I'm really a shit person" no wonder noone really likes me they just force themselves to.
In my family i'm quite the trouble even from the start. And well I didn't really grew up with my biological father due to him denying his responsibilities. Well I do have a "step-father" now but we dont really get along well. To be honest he likes my siblings more than I do. It feels like as if he's forcing himself to care about me cuz he has obligations. This goed on for years maybe up until today
My school life is meh. Elementary was alright, sure we tease and bully each other but it was never personal. High school however everything changed. I was seen as the "odd" mf in class because I don't meet their standards and I'm not the same as everyone else. I never really belong in friend groups unless it's for a group project where am forced to be in one. Nobody really liked me tbh, I usually go home after school maybe enjoy a cup of coffee alone. In my whole high school life I never got any invitations to hangout like none. I only had a few friends but it works to be honest. It felt lonely but it is what it is. That thought started to leave a mark on my head. Then of course the pressure of performing well in academics is there. All for what...? A piece of paper or a piece of painted metal. This is the time when I also started to no longer enjoy such celebrations such as field trips and parties to the point where I didn't even bother attending proms and christmas parties felt dull and new years to come felt insignificant.
Everyday was a cycle of loneliness and a mental battle. The only way of coping is through the little things I have and a handful of japanese vocaloid music. Hopefully that temporary happiness makes me feel something... i Just accept whatever happens at this point. Locking myself in a room only going out when I need to. My sleep schedules are fucked and my weight started to decrease significantly. The only reason why I havent ended myself yet is not because I'm scared... it's because I feel guilty. My 2 siblings are young and they look up to me as the oldest sibling. I need to help them to have a good life yet I struggle to keep going. I couldn't just leave them behind as well as the amount of money my parents used in raising me.
The world and the way it is right now also contributed to my depressive mindsets. corrupt government, society being more and more divided with one another and of course the negativity and stupidity of people these days...
Now that I'm in college I was able to make friends easier cuz you will need each other since college is a massive difficulty spike. Speaking of that, I failed multiple important tests and my grades are not looking too good yeah... Academics started to decline due to my lack of motivation, carelessness and self hate.
Welp heres a lil poem to end this introduction of mine :)
"Such a harsh world we live in, I must say.
Reality hits us day after day.
I Looked upon a once beautiful bay.
As I observe, it gets destroyed today."
