Venting A horrible morning

[Idontmatter]

This is a horrible morning. My suicidal thoughts are so strong right now. I'm really trying to fight them but I seriously don't know if I can make it until January. I'm staying until then for my husband. I feel stupid and pathetic. I'm a horrible person for leaving my family but I seriously can't do this anymore. I don't know have any energy left in me to fight. Sorry- had to vent this morning. I woke up and the first thing that pops into my head is I want to die. I've made my decision that I am going to do it but just was trying to stay through the holidays for my husband. If only he knew how bad I am. I can't tell him though about any of my plans. Fuck I hate this.

 

[Hope:-)]

Try and do something nice for yourself. Make yourself a tea or coffee. Maybe get some rest. I don't have the best suggestions as today has kind of been like that for me too. Sending you love xx

 

[Idontmatter]

Try and do something nice for yourself. Make yourself a tea or coffee. Maybe get some rest. I don't have the best suggestions as today has kind of been like that for me too. Sending you love xx

Maybe I'll make a nice cup of sn..

 

[Hope:-)]

Maybe I'll make a nice cup of sn..

Thats' what I'm hoping to make in a little over a week! God, the situations people on here are in. It's heartbreaking xxx

 

[Idontmatter]

Thats' what I'm hoping to make in a little over a week! God, the situations people on here are in. It's heartbreaking xxx

I know. I've given up on life altogether. I should be happy but my brain won't let me. I wish more people would understand that.

 

[Fktw0rld]

As individuals we tend to pick ourselves apart according to the needs of others. What makes things even more difficult is that our battle is unseen and not understood by others. I don't want to hurt that ones I love and that love me either but regardless of their understanding I will have to make my exit because I'm exhausted and have no life energy left to give. The people around us have energy for life, just like every other person that doesn't battle debilitating major depressive disorder. Their energy runs out at night, they go to sleep and wake up replenished for life again. They can invest their energy into multiple things throughout the days, accomplish things, set goals, spend time with people, make more plans, look forward to the future, socialize normally and get fulfillment until they're tired again and repeat their pattern. All of our energy is invested in survival mode, leaving us depleted for any additional activity or enjoyment. You're not stupid or pathetic at all. We're on borrowed time. If anything, you've already went above and beyond what your mind and body has allowed you according to your situation. We don't have the option to gas up like everyone else. A car can only run on E for so long. They have gas stations on every corner and the option to gas up as soon as the warning light displays. We're in the desert with no gas stations anywhere in sight or existence. We've been running with the low gas warning light on for years and surprisingly have gotten this far. But eventually...

 

[Hope:-)]

Let me know how you're doing later today when and if you feel like it. I myself know how horribly lonely this stuff is. Sending you love xx

 

[Idontmatter]

Let me know how you're doing later today when and if you feel like it. I myself know how horribly lonely this stuff is. Sending you love xx

I will. I'm so scared of failing but I need to finally be gone once and for all. So many emotions this morning.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I hate mornings

 

[Idontmatter]

As individuals we tend to pick ourselves apart according to the needs of others. What makes things even more difficult is that our battle is unseen and not understood by others. I don't want to hurt that ones I love and that love me either but regardless of their understanding I will have to make my exit because I'm exhausted and have no life energy left to give. The people around us have energy for life, just like every other person that doesn't battle debilitating major depressive disorder. Their energy runs out at night, they go to sleep and wake up replenished for life again. They can invest their energy into multiple things throughout the days, accomplish things, set goals, spend time with people, make more plans, look forward to the future, socialize normally and get fulfillment until they're tired again and repeat their pattern. All of our energy is invested in survival mode, leaving us depleted for any additional activity or enjoyment. You're not stupid or pathetic at all. We're on borrowed time. If anything, you've already went above and beyond what your mind and body has allowed you according to your situation. We don't have the option to gas up like everyone else. A car can only run on E for so long. They have gas stations on every corner and the option to gas up as soon as the warning light displays. We're in the desert with no gas stations anywhere in sight or existence. We've been running with the low gas warning light on for years and surprisingly have gotten this far. But eventually...

I definitely know I need to go sooner rather than later. Almost thinking next month even though I'll ruin our Thanksgiving

 

[MakeUpAName4Me]

I'm afraid I'm stuck in bed this morning lol

 

[Idontmatter]

SI got me with my first attempt. This second attempt I'm even more determined

 

[MakeUpAName4Me]

I'll join you soon

 

[Hope:-)]

SI got me with my first attempt. This second attempt I'm even more determined

I know what you mean. Mine was the day before. I suddenly freaked out. But yeah, I do feel more determined this time xx
I accidentally sent sending you love twice. Came off a bit weird! X

 

[rationaltake]

I hate mornings

I hate every microsecond.

 

[Idontmatter]

I know what you mean. Mine was the day before. I suddenly freaked out. But yeah, I do feel more determined this time xx
I accidentally sent sending you love twice. Came off a bit weird! X

Lol. I need some love right now

 

[AloneInCollege]

How much does your husband know?

 

[Idontmatter]

I'll join you soon

Maybe if there is an afterlife we can all meet.. lol

 

[madebrief]

A horrible every day.

 

[Idontmatter]

How much does your husband know?

He knows I'm suicidal but he doesn't know my current plan using sn. A part of me feels like he is expecting it to happen one day but I'm not sure.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that it's so dreadful having to endure a life which is just constant suffering. It can certainly be very tiring having to wake up and continue to exist when all that you want is to be gone, your feelings of wanting to escape from it all are understandable. I wish you freedom for when the time is right for you to leave.

 

[outrider567]

This is a horrible morning. My suicidal thoughts are so strong right now. I'm really trying to fight them but I seriously don't know if I can make it until January. I'm staying until then for my husband. I feel stupid and pathetic. I'm a horrible person for leaving my family but I seriously can't do this anymore. I don't know have any energy left in me to fight. Sorry- had to vent this morning. I woke up and the first thing that pops into my head is I want to die. I've made my decision that I am going to do it but just was trying to stay through the holidays for my husband. If only he knew how bad I am. I can't tell him though about any of my plans. Fuck I hate this.

Horrible morning here too--had to get Patti's Will and Death Certificate for a lawyer, to access her bank accounts, so depressing