Hello SS community, it's been awhile but I'm back following up from my experience
Thank you all for such sweet words, it really meant a lot to mean in the moment reading these. It helped me support my decision of foregoing suicide.
There's so many of you that I'm grateful for, it provides a warm sense of comfort in my life knowing I always have people to talk to here when I'm going through tough times.
@Stan,
@APharmaDestroyedLife,
@MaybeMaybeKnot,
@realjunes,
@AnxiouslyDepressed (I'm sad to know that I have missed your passing, I hope you're in a beautiful and peaceful place),
@Jean AmƩry,
@Deardaddy (I haven't known you but I hope you find the peace you were looking for),
@Nyanpasuu,
@Lotus1818,
@TearyEyedQueen,
@Underscore,
@I screwed up,
@Soul,
@SuicidalSymphonies, and
@Science Is Scary; I'm (sorry if I missed anyone, I love you all!) so happy to receive your comfort. Without it, I wouldn't be here right now.
I wanted to post an update following up on the closest I've ever been to death.
After posting my last message, I had decided to take a lil bit of xanax to calm my nerves and went outside looking for a cigarette as I'm not a regular smoker. I was lucky enough to get just walking out the front of my hotel.
I ventured downtown in the city where I stayed, to see the beautiful lights and the peaceful falls. So many thoughts going through my head at this point, thinking about how I'm so grateful to be here, but also anxious about my return. I tried to take in every second for granted and thought that I would give this life thing another chance, and if it ends up being more shitty then I always have something to fall back on. I wanted to quit my job and travel instead (spoiler: I did).
I made my way home, and on return I begun by calling my loved ones (mom and S/O). This was hard for me as I cried on the phone with both of them but I needed to tell them. I knew I couldn't come back and keep this a secret because this is something that I knew is going to be hard to get over.
They were obviously upset, but we made an agreement for me to seek counselling and take a visit to my doctor. I did both, as told.
I've been to one counselling session so far, but when I had mentioned my event my counsellor seemed to not understand the whole depth of the situation. I simply told him that I had planned to off myself and he just nodded. I'm glad he didn't report it or anything but I feel like he has no focus on my suicidal thoughts.
The same day, I took a visit to my doctor and also explained to him my situation. He believed it was my current medications, so he had me seize those and gave me a set of 2 different medications.
I also decided I wanted to travel, and soon. So I last-minuted book a vacation out to Cuba for 5 days. I'm currently writing this following my arrival back home.
I mean, I can't lie. All-inclusive vacation on a tropical island feels amazing but yet I couldn't stop myself from having awfully vivid suicide dreams and off and on suicidal thoughts during my day. I really don't understand.
A part of me wants help, so I'm taking more self-care. For instance, I actually started brushing and flossing my teeth 2 times a day, dressing up nice, and working out at the gym. This feels somewhat good in the moment, but immediately after I feel like crap again.
I'm unsure what to do at this point. I just feel comfort knowing that a community of amazing people exists here on SS and that I have my SN to fall back on.
I just want to enjoy life as much as I can while I'm here.
Much love to everyone,
- ginger :)
