Venting A downward spiral of feeling worthless.

[DonLockwood]

Being not of any use is really starting to get to me. I'm still relatively young, kinda, but to see my peers have somewhat successful lives for people their age compared to what my life is right now is heartbreaking. I really have tried to get employment in the field i'm in. No one is wanting a new hire. I've been searching for almost three years now. Tried searching for any other field I might be interested in persuing since this one has become a catastrophic failure, but I cant find anything that I would like to persue. Nothing appeals to me. Its either i'm not really that intellegent for it, it costs too much money or there's no money in it. The last thing I want is to slave away at some retail job till I die.

I'm very thankful that I'm still able to live at home with my parents, Idk what I would do if I didnt have that. But it just makes me feel worse in a way. I'm stuck on welfare and the job hunts getting so bad that even my Dad is helping me put in for them. Even getting constantly reminded that he's doing it for me. Maybe hes saying it without any malice, but I just cannot see it other than a snide remark. I'm in a room all day and I have no motivation to do anything, I fight myself to even try to put in for jobs. I want to feel like an independent adult, but the situation i'm in isn't allowing me too.

I feel its also taking a toll on my own private life. My close friends are starting to get more irratating. To the point where I would go for weeks without properly speaking and engaging with them. Only to join back in and realise why I ghosted the last time. Even when I do 'ghost' they don't really say anything about it. But they're really the only people outside the family i've got. It's hard to make friends here with my shyness and awkwardness. I just can't afford to lose them in a way.

Poor job prospects, Poor family issues, poor friend issues. It all piles up. It's getting to a point where CTB and all the other names for it is appearing more and more often. To the point where I feel relieved when it crosses my mind. Minor inconvenience happens, "eh theres always that option". Coupled with my brain feeling like its constantly running 24/7, it feels like it happens more than I would want it to. Now I get thoughts that go; "Even if I do get this job, would I even be happy with it? Will you be in the situation you're in right now but with a job that you dont like?"

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

To the point where I feel relieved when it crosses my mind. Minor inconvenience happens, "eh theres always that option".

I totally get this. It's like it's an option that is always on the menu. And the family thing, I understand, because when I lived with my parents as a young adult, I felt the same way. It's frustrating when they don't get it. You want to be "useful", but then you think, "What's the point" and it all feels meaningless. And the worst part is, not wanting to feel that way, but feeling like there is no other option.

By the way, I love the photo of Gene Kelly from one of my favorite movies on your profile picture.

 

[DonLockwood]

By the way, I love the photo of Gene Kelly from one of my favorite movies on your profile picture.

Haha, Thanks. Was kinda apprehensive at first about choosing it considering all the other usernames on here, I didn't want to stand out per se. Felt like it was a bit weird to use an old movie character on a website like this. But glad you like it .

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

Haha, Thanks. Was kinda apprehensive at first about choosing it considering all the other usernames on here, I didn't want to stand out per se. Felt like it was a bit weird to use an old movie character on a website like this. But glad you like it .

Nah, not weird at all. It's what you were feeling in the moment. After-all, SaSu is a place to express oneself. Take my username, for example. It is a reference to Music Theory. When I was first signing up, I couldn't think of a name and this popped into my head. My thought was, it wasn't depressing enough of a name. It sounded "too happy" for a site like this. I'm still getting used to having it lol

 

[etherealgoddess]

Being not of any use is really starting to get to me. I'm still relatively young, kinda, but to see my peers have somewhat successful lives for people their age compared to what my life is right now is heartbreaking. I really have tried to get employment in the field i'm in. No one is wanting a new hire. I've been searching for almost three years now. Tried searching for any other field I might be interested in persuing since this one has become a catastrophic failure, but I cant find anything that I would like to persue. Nothing appeals to me. Its either i'm not really that intellegent for it, it costs too much money or there's no money in it. The last thing I want is to slave away at some retail job till I die.

I'm very thankful that I'm still able to live at home with my parents, Idk what I would do if I didnt have that. But it just makes me feel worse in a way. I'm stuck on welfare and the job hunts getting so bad that even my Dad is helping me put in for them. Even getting constantly reminded that he's doing it for me. Maybe hes saying it without any malice, but I just cannot see it other than a snide remark. I'm in a room all day and I have no motivation to do anything, I fight myself to even try to put in for jobs. I want to feel like an independent adult, but the situation i'm in isn't allowing me too.

I feel its also taking a toll on my own private life. My close friends are starting to get more irratating. To the point where I would go for weeks without properly speaking and engaging with them. Only to join back in and realise why I ghosted the last time. Even when I do 'ghost' they don't really say anything about it. But they're really the only people outside the family i've got. It's hard to make friends here with my shyness and awkwardness. I just can't afford to lose them in a way.

Poor job prospects, Poor family issues, poor friend issues. It all piles up. It's getting to a point where CTB and all the other names for it is appearing more and more often. To the point where I feel relieved when it crosses my mind. Minor inconvenience happens, "eh theres always that option". Coupled with my brain feeling like its constantly running 24/7, it feels like it happens more than I would want it to. Now I get thoughts that go; "Even if I do get this job, would I even be happy with it? Will you be in the situation you're in right now but with a job that you dont like?"

It's all about working on your emotional health. The more I have worked on my emotional health, the more I am easily content with the situation as long as I have food, water, shelter, social interaction, and limited stress from emotionally-dysregulated people. Finding a job that satisfies you is just you running away from the deep problem inside. I see many people fall for that trap. It's like people trying to find themselves like an archaeologist going in a hot air balloon to find fossils when instead, they're supposed to be digging down. That feeling of meaninglessness is from hundreds if not thousands of painful memories stored inside. Most of us here were extremely abused by the world and had to be people's emotional punching bags. That's why we have to heal through all that baggage. You can't compare yourself to others because I bet that our childhoods were much worse. Everyone thinks they're the worst situation, but the best way to grasp how bad someone's childhood is to see their behaviors. Being kind of dumb isn't enough to warrant being in your room all day. You were probably really abused. Lots of people can keep up a life being dumb. We were just really hurt. We just have to start life later than others so that we can heal. But we can do it. The only people who I feel skeptical about encouraging are some people genuinely are unfortunate and have physical impairments or some straight-up have emotional issues that are so severe that cannot be fixed. I sympathize with them so much. But if you're at least a 2/10 in looks and intelligence, you absolutely can make your way in life if you don't have some genetic or physical disability.

I'm just giving a glimmer of hope. But I don't mean to force it down people's throats. If it seems that way, that isn't what I intended.