a different kind of suicide note

[ghostspace]

I've been thinking about what I'll leave behind for my family and have written and rewritten several different versions of suicide notes the past few years, but no matter what words are used, a suicide note doesn't feel like enough. I want to give them something separate to remember me by, with the note being more for the authorities who find me.

A week or so ago, when I purchased SN, everything suddenly felt real and I decided to start working on some sketchbooks to fill in over the next year or so, one for each member of my family. I'm an artist and feel that I communicate more vividly through art, so I'm planning on doing mixed media paintings and drawings depicting my favorite memories and everything I love most about each of them. We're quite close, but live in different states, so I also want to put in little journaling bits of the times we get to visit and how much happiness it brings me; things they may not remember in as much detail later.

I want them to have something unrelated to my death, something that tells a story of how much I love and admire them on a daily basis and how proud of them I am.

In the past, I kept writing longer and longer letters to try and express this, but most likely they won't want to read through those because no matter how much I say I love them, they're going to think that it must not have been enough because I left anyways.

I'm hoping that the sketchbooks will communicate that they were enough, that I was paying so much attention and treasuring our time together.

Does this sound like an okay idea? I don't want to do anything that would hurt them more, and I feel like trying to reassure them in words might do that.

edit: also, if anyone else has an unorthodox/alternative ideas to notes, feel free to share!

 

[Anon2662]

I think that sounds like a lovely and thoughtful idea! I wish I could draw! Don't get me started on the whole writing and then rewriting and then getting longer and longer.. I have been doing the exact same thing! Still not figured it out, but don't want to leave them with nothing.. The drawings would be a lovely sort of memory book for them and will (I imagine) give them lots more joy than any letter. :)

 

[rntmss]

I love that.
One of the things I always included in my notes before throwing them out and cancelling my attempt was that I loved everyone and it wasn't anyone's fault. That it was my decision that I couldn't live with the guilt of my decisions anymore.

Needless to say, I'm obviously still very much living with my guilt

 

[Anon2662]

You could always leave a note telling them your reasons for the drawings.. the words you have written here express the thought behind the idea well :) Sorry you see ctb as your only option. You seem a very intelligent and thoughtful person. I hope that things get better for you! If you ever need to chat things over, I'm here :)

 

[ghostspace]

You could always leave a note telling them your reasons for the drawings.. the words you have written here express the thought behind the idea well :) Sorry you see ctb as your only option. You seem a very intelligent and thoughtful person. I hope that things get better for you! If you ever need to chat things over, I'm here :)

I think the note will say that I've taken my own life and why, that I love them and I'm sorry, and any other specificities about arrangements I have in place.

I'm hoping that the pictures will speak for themselves; like drawings of happy/funny memories of growing up with my siblings and little notes to them every few pages. I don't want to explicitly relate it to my suicide, even though they'll understand that. Hopefully it would be a stand-alone gift to each of them that doesn't feel contaminated by the occasion and manner of my death. (It's not my only option just yet, but I highly suspect it will be in the near future.)

Thank you so much; that means a lot to me. I'll message you sometime ♡ ♡

 

[namelessX8]

I want to leave behind my PhD thesis (assuming I manage to complete my degree before I attempt + succeed suicide).

 

[Anon2662]

I think the note will say that I've taken my own life and why, that I love them and I'm sorry, and any other specificities about arrangements I have in place.

I'm hoping that the pictures will speak for themselves; like drawings of happy/funny memories of growing up with my siblings and little notes to them every few pages. I don't want to explicitly relate it to my suicide, even though they'll understand that. Hopefully it would be a stand-alone gift to each of them that doesn't feel contaminated by the occasion and manner of my death. (It's not my only option just yet, but I highly suspect it will be in the near future.)

Thank you so much; that means a lot to me. I'll message you sometime ♡ ♡

Well I think it's a lovely idea and only wish I could draw myself so I could steal your idea Glad to hear it's not your only option! Yeah feel free to any time

 

[ghostspace]

I love that.
One of the things I always included in my notes before throwing them out and cancelling my attempt was that I loved everyone and it wasn't anyone's fault. That it was my decision that I couldn't live with the guilt of my decisions anymore.

Needless to say, I'm obviously still very much living with my guilt

I'm living with The Guilt as well, you're not alone.

That's exactly what I do, too, write a long and carefully worded letter, then crumple it up and toss it out. I think it's an important thing to add (honestly, even if certain people were abusive towards me, I don't want anyone to feel responsible for my decision) even though it feels like the equivalent of putting a bandaid over a gushing wound.

I want to leave behind my PhD thesis (assuming I manage to complete my degree before I attempt + succeed suicide).

what's your thesis about?

 

[Krakenmonster]

I absolutely love your idea! Especially since you feel like you can communicate your feelings to others through art more vividly then that's what you should do. It could be a nice experience for you to reminisce about the lovely times you had with your family whilst doing the sketchbooks. It's also very considerate of you to try to make your suicide as easy as possible for your loved ones. Best of luck

 

[namelessX8]

what's your thesis about?

Maths

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

That sounds like a wonderful heartfelt idea. Art can say so much about love. I love this idea and I think if you put so much time and effort into the sketchbooks they'll see how much they meant to you. It is very clear how much you love your family